b3ta.com user Purple Jonax
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» Well, that taught 'em

That'll Teach The Irish
First year of uni, I was stuck in halls with seven others - Not too bad despite the fact I was the only Englishman in the mixed Scot-Irish flat. A bit of pisstaking between the flat on occasion, and stuff did occasionally go missing (especially if it could be mixed with alcohol) but it was funny to wake up sometimes to see a recently-nicked bus stop in the halls or that stuff in glowsticks splattered over the walls.

Anyway, come the Easter break (just over two years back now) most of us wake up late Sunday afternoon to find an empty box of Creme Eggs and what looks like one of them unwrapped on the common room table. We try and figure out whose it is, and once we find out it isn't any of ours we look into nicking it without anything been said.

Cue 1pm and the flat's two resident stoners wake up. They admit they gorged on the Creme Eggs and left one there. After a bit more talk, one of the smarter Irish lot accepts the egg after they say they didn't want it.

Irish guy bites hard into the egg, the stoners run back to our rooms laughing their heads off - the "unwrapped Creme Egg" was in fact a raw egg that the stoners had covered in chocolate and left for someone to bite into. Now half of it was in the Irish guy's mouth.

No idea why anyone else didn't figure it out though - Even though the mess of chocolate around it could be explained by the stoners playing with the "creme egg" & a lighter, an egg doesn't suddenly become the size of a jumbo Creme Egg.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 15:40, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Fairly old one.
Man comes home one night, and finds his wife arse naked in bed with another man, with his ear on her left breast.

Cue the husband shouting, "What the f*** are you doing?"

The guy replies, "Listening to music."

The husband, confused & curious, puts his ear on her right breast and says, "I can't hear anything."

"That's because you're not plugged in."
(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 14:36, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Gotta love AQA!
My college (an independant 16-18 one) was unique in my area in that the teachers actually gave a crap about the students.

What this meant was that most of my A2 Physics year involved past papers for the exams - And doing them and handing answers in every two weeks. For most, this involved looking various sites up for the answers and filling the papers from memory. For me, it involved looking at the AQA site and modifying the answers enough not to be noticed.

Ended up spending most of my time getting As for the mocks and being put in with the eggheads. Don't think my tutor twigged until I got a C for that altogether (only because the buggers at AQA didn't post that year's mark scheme on the site).

I still got into university though - Must've done something right (especially since most of my A-level answers were 40% knowledge and the rest of pure blag. Except General Studies - That's pure blagging. And my only A.)
(Mon 21st Nov 2005, 14:59, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Not long happened.
As part of my hunt for a place to accomodate myself for the next year, I travelled up to Dundee two weeks ago for an overnight stay.

Travelling up there on the train, not a problem. I get there, find out the flat I was looking at has its front door lock half-off, and go out with two mates before crashing on one of their sofas.

Next morning, I'm phoning up places to see whether there's anywhere to stay - Found two, got the application forms, yay.

Time to head back home, I get the train to Edinburgh. When I arrive, I find there's a train heading the usual way that's leaving in a couple of minutes so I rush onto the train.

I'm sitting in a seat on the train, and look around before noticing the stops being listed on the LED screen. And more specifically, the fact that I don't recognise any of them.

I get up and talk to the conductor, and I find out what happened.

Did the train leave from Edinburgh? Yep.

Is the train heading to Birmingham New Street as expected? Yep.

Is the train going along the West Coast line? Nope, it's heading along the East Coast - Fuck.

Long story short, I end up getting a change from Leeds heading to my intended destination, three hours later than planned.

Maybe I should've took notice when the train was leaving 40 minutes earlier than expected.
(Tue 12th Sep 2006, 22:06, More)