» Guilty Laughs

He who smelt it... well no, it was me...
Remember those "Heelies" shoes with the little wheels underneath that were so popular a few years back? Well, for a while their use was rampant in the Land of the Great Wide Shopping Mall (USA), where waist-high children would zip around until they inevitably ran into something. I seemed to have some sort of curse - these children would always manage to run directly into my backside - but couldn't avoid a trip to the mall to pick up a few things.

So there I was, standing in a store and trying to decide between two equally boring presents for my mother, when I started to feel a bit of a pressure in my stomach. I looked around - nobody in my aisle - and shifted my weight to one leg in preparation for a Standing One-Cheek Sneak. Just that that moment, a child zipped around a corner and *directly into my ass*, dislodging an air biscuit that was fortunately silent, but unfortunately quite redolent of the previous night's Mexican food. The boy, unbalanced, fell on his ass with a disgusted look, then picked himself up and unsteadily booked it out of the store.

I got a few dirty looks from people who thought my burst of laughter was because the boy had fallen... but I'd have gotten much dirtier looks if they'd come any closer and discovered the real reason. Poor kid.
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 4:41, More)

» Awesome teachers

My Antonia
I'll always remember my 11th grade English Lit teacher Mrs. Foster. She was a demure-looking older lady with a weird sense of humor and a heavy southern-U.S. accent. When we read Willa Cather's "My Antonia", there was a particular passage that she singled out to read aloud at high volume. The paragraph was something about a character looking out across the fields and seeing all the wheat standing proud, using a variety of suggestive-sounding metaphors about the erect state of said wheat. She then asked, "So... what is this passage really talking about?"

Being perverted little teenagers, of course we all understood. But no-one wanted to be the first person to admit that the reading assignment had made them think of boners. We all sort of looked about with shifty eyes for a few moments, as Mrs. Foster began to grow impatient. Suddenly her strident accent rang out: "Penises! It's all *penises*!!!"

Length: a good 3-4 feet tall...
(Mon 21st Mar 2011, 2:07, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Gotta love that 1990s television...
Ohh dear. My biggest celebrity crush ever has to have been Lucy Lawless as Xena. Actually, not sure if it quite qualifies as a teenage crush because I've still got it. Ehehe...
(Sat 7th Nov 2009, 20:58, More)

» Sleepwalking

Good thing I didn't flush...
I'm told that once when I was much younger, I sleepwalked through my parents' room (waking them up) on the way to their bathroom, where I promptly used their toilet, wiped myself with the bathtowel hanging across from the toilet, pulled the towel over and stuffed it into the toilet, washed my hands (!), and went back to bed. To this day I almost wish I'd tried to flush, just for the mayhem it would have caused.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 23:57, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Sea Cucumbers
I had the "pleasure" of trying sea cucumbers during a recent trip to southeast Asia. I was willing to look past the fact that a sea cucumber most often looks like a particularly impressive specimen of human feces, and gave it a go. Do you know that feeling where you bite your lip a bit too hard for some reason, and feel a "pop" from breaking the skin? Well, the sea cucumber was just like that... over and over and over. I pride myself on being open to new experiences, but that certainly isn't one I could repeat!
(Mon 30th May 2011, 2:41, More)