» On the stage

Badger Badger Badger
Having auditioned for the part of the aforementioned meles meles (what a fantastic latin name for a badger, it's so badgery) in my school's production of The Wind in the Willows I was unhappy to be given the part of Mole. I mean it's bad enough that they made everybody do it in the first place but at least Badger has some bloody balls unlike the sniveling bugger I had to play, I mean I had my reputation as a nasty little psycho to protect and how the hell was I to do that as a mole? Luckily fate was to provide as we shall see. Anyway, much pain and practise later it comes to Opening Night! Toad Hall is about to be stormed and various vermin thrown out on their fury ears. I let loose my fearsome scripted battle cry of "A Mole, A Mole!", which is by far and away the least effective such shout ever devised in the field of combat, and charge along with Ratty, Toad and Badger into the heat of the fight. Here's where I feel there was a slight misjudgement on the part of the drama teacher. Who would actually give out real oaken staffs to a bunch of vicious ten year olds? Especially when the kid that was playing Chief Weasel was detestable thief with a nasty habbit of trying to steal everything of value that the the now enraged, tactically aware and heavily armed Mole possesed, as well as trying to generally piss him off no end, safe in the knowledge that he could run faster. Much method acting later he is dragged off by some less well battered ferrets and I and my comrades launch into the final number knowing full well that come morning this is going to require an explanation. The video is still in much demand on Christmas mornings in my household, my father going so far as to claim it's the only school funtion he's ever enjoyed going to.
(Fri 2nd Dec 2005, 12:37, More)

» School fights

First round, first minute.
I was quietly minding my own business at the beginning of my lunch break, thinking about whether I could afford a Subway or if I should once again resort to the paper shop and its vile breed of sandwiches. As I pondered and ruttled through my locker a punch slapped my hard in the kidneys. I gave a groan and told the dickhead (a ginger weasel of a man) to never ever do it again. He decided to hit me again and I turned around once more. However this time I was moving fast on my toes like a tornado with my arm left arm stuck out half a mile and my fist clenched like it was holding my soul in place. I hit the bastard with the sweetest punch I have ever thrown, a beautiful hook of both power and grace, and for a split second in time I was standing there a pale, bespectacled, English version of Muhammad Ali connecting with a ginger, freckly, irritating Sonny Liston. He bounced head first off his own locker door and slipped to the floor blubbering. I stood, shocked, and then went for my sandwich.

The most stunning moment in any fight I've seen was one between my mate Jam and the dick of the school who was known as Taz for his violent descents into madness, full on foaming at the mouth things. He was great, he used to charge full blast at people, threaten to cut them and fight with anybody and he never ever won. Never. But that didn't stop him trying. After a bit of shoving and insults Taz decided to end it early and threw a heavy wooden chair at my mate. Jam a big, friendly, peaceful sort who almost never gets angry and certainly never showed promise of athletic ability then proceeded to kick the chair out of midair at head height! The chair then sailed neatly across the room and smacked full on into Taz's face dropping him like a bag of spuds. "Oh" said Jam, "that'll teach the cunt!"
Marvellous stuff.
(Sun 12th Mar 2006, 20:29, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

To Citadel
And after all that she didn't even want any Milk Tray.
(Tue 17th Apr 2007, 0:08, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

I hate the little man.
I hate the little man inside my head for many reasons but the main one is that he has a sense of humour I don't share. He seems to be driven to do the most heart wrenchingly bastardly deeds which are then blamed on me. Unfair I say, nobody could be that cruel or stupid but time and time again I am forced to take the blame for that little bastard inside my head. One example of this involves my virginity. I was at a party a few years ago while still virginified when a rather friendly girl I half knew started giving me the come on. This is rare enough considering I resemble a troll but more so as I was slurring badly and trying to drink from an unopened bottle of vodka. I at first dismissed it as drunken thought but when she grabbed me by the crotch I thought I might be in luck. So by luck or magic we ended up upstairs in one of the bedrooms the host had laid on for such a purpose. Her striping off, me trying not to fall over backwards. She looked at me with doe like eyes, buring with desire. I looked at her with wild staring eyes that were going in two directions at once. So, she said, her last remaining clothes hitting the floor, are you ready? I looked at her and tried to open my mouth to say yes. The little man got there first. Nah said the little man, tears of mirth rolling down his bastard cheeks. Nah, your not my type (though she was). And with that I turned on my heel and left, fell down the staris and ended up explaining the situation loudly and crudely to an audiance of onlookers as she tried to hold on to her dignity and enjoyed a year or so remembered as the girl who couldn't get an ugly Welshman to sleep with her. Amy, I'm very sorry but it isn't me it was the little man.
(Thu 2nd Nov 2006, 2:22, More)

» Mugged

We're gonna need a bigger boat!
I was walking home one evening when I was grabbed from behind by one of London's finest gangsta wannabes without him even having the common decency to ask me for a smoke or for the time. So I'm struggling like crazy and trying to get lose when one of his arms comes ghosting across me mouth. What the hell, I think? So now gansta is trying to deal with 14 stone of maniac hanging off his arm, thrashing his neck back and forth, rolling his eyes back and twisting from side to side like some demented Great White to his protein rich, newly born seal pup, sidenote but I love the Discovery channel. I had to have a full check up to see if I caught anything nasty and he lost a big fucking chunk of flesh which I almost ended up swallowing in the heat of combat. Not funny but certainly justice.
(Sat 17th Jun 2006, 1:29, More)