» I didn't do it

I AM A FUCKING HERO.
Or I would be if this happened
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's dad and new wife. God, she was such a fucking WHORE BITCH, first thing she did was undress me with her eyes, next thing was to buy me a drink. I'd already had six cans of spesh by then so I asked the FUCKING WHOREBAG to get me a triple scotch.

Fuck me, they were arseholes. They bought me more drinks and asked me back to their house, by now FUCKING WHORE BITCH was sucking me off with her eyes and it was really fucking annoying, with barely contained rage I accepted.

I'm not going to tell you what happened next but lets just say the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER got all shirty and that. After I'd pulled my trousers back up he asked me to "please leave."

As I stood outside on the lawn, swaying, red-faced and screaming YOUFUCKINGSHITWHORECUNT, I swore I would have my revenge.

AND I DID.

Through many improbable and un-specified means I gained entry to their house and played a few light-hearted japes on them. JUST TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCK THE BOSS IS!!111!1!1!!!!

1) I bitch-punched a goat to death in their basement and hung its intestines like FUCKING BUNTING.

2) Made copies of their keys and posted them to every address in the WORLD, so any fucker could come round and do what they liked.

3) I shat in their boiler 384 times. HAVE FUN WASHING YOUR HANDS BITCHES.

4) Rigged their shower so it would spray blue dye over them. I admit, I may have watched Private Benjamin a few times. GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU NONCE?!?!?

5) Put cobras in all the radiators, hungry cobras with FUCKINGWHORECUNT sprayed on them with cobra blood. Have fun regulating your heating now! LOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFL.

6) Repeatedly fired an Elephant gun at the mains water system, so it would leak and no-one would know why.

7) Placed paintpots filled with acid above every door in the house, leaving the doors slightly ajar. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT YOU CUNTS.

8) Squashed kebabs into every light fitting in the house. Filled every wall cavity with Kebabs, fuck I even shoved kebabs up their eldest daughter while she was asleep.

9) Took all the taps out the house and replaced them with knobs I tore off children's corpses in the local morgue. SO EVERYONE IN THAT HOUSE IS A NECRO-NONCE.

10) Fill every lock in the house with fire ants. Real fucking angry fire ants. I told those fire ants that THEFUCKINGBITCHWHORE hated ants and always called ants GAYS.

and the one that clinched the deal...

11) Re-programmed a sky satellite to only spew out low grade Albanian porn to the house before firing A DEATH LASER at them.

as it turned out they were SO FUCKING STUPID they didn't even realise what happened. THEFUCKINGWHOREBAG cried every night, and the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER had a massive heart attack, brought on by cobra venom.

THAT'LL FUCKING TEACH HIM TO TELL ME TO GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE FOR TRYING TO GIVE HIS FUCKINGBITCHWHORE WIFE WHAT SHE SO CLEARLY WANTED!!111!!111!!11!!!!!

if you think I am a cunt then click "I like this"

I'M NOT A CUNT THOUGH CAUSE THIS WAS A WHILE AGO AND I WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER AT ALTON TOWERS AND HAVE GROWN 1 INCH SINCE THEN.

FUCK YOU ALL YOU CUNTS.
(Sat 17th Sep 2011, 19:20, More)

» Biggest Sexual Regret

I DUN A WOBBLE FUCK WITH A FATTY THEN MADE A CUM ON HER GUNT.

(Sat 10th Dec 2011, 18:25, More)

» Why will you burn in hell?

Dear Sir,
How dare you! How very dare you! "QOTW" is a long established part of this website, some may even say its lifeblood. It also plays an important role in society by creating an environment for liars, rapists, sexual deviants, violent thugs, drug addicts and Honda Accord enthusiasts to tell their lurid tales and not bother the rest of us. I can only think that the people who perpetrated the heinous act of attempting humour, humour, are in fact "trolls," to use the common parlance. I am an avid shed enthusiast and looked forward to telling many exciting tales about the sheds I have owned over the years. During my service to the crown I was stationed in Zimbabwe and owned a large selection of sheds or, as the locals called them, "sheds". I hope you all get banned for ruining QOTW, I hope the good Lord himself casts you into the fiery pit for this disgraceful display of arrogance.

Good day!

Yours,

Maj Gen Mark Morrisons Prison Shoes (ret)
(Fri 13th Jul 2012, 9:47, More)

» Overheard secrets

I live in Glasgow. Lovely place, I'm sure you'll agree.
Getting the bus home just before christmas a couple of years ago I heard this heart-warming exchange.

"But Da, I wants an x-boax da. Da... DA!"

"Shut it ya wee cunt, you'll be gettin fuck all but my boot up yer arse. You're fuckin 12 years old, why the fuck would I buy you a fuckin Christmas present? ya stupid wee prick."

"But Da..."

"I said, fuckin shut it!"

Merry Christmas y'all! Peace out.
(Wed 31st Aug 2011, 16:12, More)

» The B3ta Cookbook

I worked as a chef and I'm a wop so listen closely.
here's how you make a lasagne, wop style.
hard boil some eggs and fry some salsicce, that's italian sausages to you. put them aside for later, okay?
then make a bechamel, if you don't know how to do that, fuck off right now. christ.
melt some butter in a pan, put in some flour then slowly stir in some milk. it'll then be all thick, like you. add some nutmeg and a bay leaf.
then make a sugo, with mince. THAT'S A SAUCE NUMBNUTS. if you put vegetables in it, so help me I'll pour it down your pants and punch your cock off. fucking hell, FINE.
put some garlic in a pan with oil DON'T BURN IT. chuck in some mince and brown it, add nutmeg, salt, pepper and dried basil. anyone who whines about using fresh basil can suck my shit. put in some wine and reduce the fucker, like right down. until it looks like a shitty period. add in some passata and simmer the bitch, punt in some more nutmeg, salt, pepper and dried fucking basil.
still with me? wankers.
get some pasta sheets, don't need to be fresh. if you have a problem with that, I'll fucking dry you, pricks. just refresh the fuck out of them in warm water with a bit of oil in it SO THEY DON'T FUCKING STICK TOGETHER.
now layer the bitch up in a dish. remember the eggs and sausage? no, you probably don't. READ THE TOP FFS. one layer should have sliced egg and one should have salsicce. on the top put fuckloads of motzzarella and parmesan then cook the fucking thing.
when it's ready, eat it. with your bare hands for all I fucking care. I dunno have a salad or chips or a pie or whatever the fuck you cunts want with it.

weights and temperature? go fuck yourselves.

arseholes.
(Thu 5th Jul 2012, 9:31, More)