b3ta.com user Heggy
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» I met a weirdo on the interweb

General rules for internet dating...
Mentally stable.

Pick two.
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 13:49, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Almost, but not quite
On one of my first trips to Amsterdam (been for the last 5 birthdays as I'm a bit of a stoner) I was wandering through the red light district admiring the sites when this homeless guy comes over to me asking if I have any weed. I was at the tail end of a spliff and it was a wet night so I thought I'd be kind and let him finish it off. First mistake.

He starts following me asking if I have any money. I say no and keep walking but he can tell I'm an English tourist and i guess he assumed I was looking for some company for an hour or so. Still asking me for money I turn around and say 'No - look' - putting my hands in my pockets with the intention of pulling them out to show they are empty (like the elephant impression but without the trunk). Trouble was I'd forgot I has some notes in there so I try to palm them as I pull the pockets out. Second mistake.

He spots the notes so pulls out a penknife and threatens me with it. In retrospect, considering the blade was still put away and he was a shabby old tramp, I should have just twatted him in the face and walked off. But instead I look around for help and see a middle aged fat lady of negotiable affection beckoning me over. Thinking she's seen what was happening, I go straight over, into the relative safety of her cubicle, and tell her what just wnet on. She shouts out in another language (probably Dutch but it might have been Spainish) and this six foot 'built like a brick shit house' pimp comes rushing in, giving me evils that should have left me with nightmares for life had I not been too stoned to remember it properly.

She says something else and he goes storming out to presumably give the tramp the kicking of his life for scaring off punters. She sits me down and gets very motherly for a few minutes, making sure I'm OK, before asking if I would like to share some intimate time with her. After I said no (partly cos she was properly minging but mainly because I was far far too stoned to get it up), she bustles me out of her cubicle and blows me this big wet kiss in front of a load of English tourists!

I don't know what was more embarrasing - having to go to her for help dealing with an old tramp with a penknife - or looking like I'd just paid her for sex.

Besides, I was saving my cherry for b3ta.com!
(Mon 23rd Jan 2006, 19:55, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

You are almost right (not just a kind of nightmare) and if I dig out my psyc text books, I can tell you more...

Cataplexy - A symptom of narcolepsy; complete paralysis that occurs during waking

(you see during REM sleep our brain would normally send messages to our body to mimic the movements we make in our dreams. Obviously running around while asleep is dangerous so our bodies become paralysed during REM sleep to prevent this. Cataplexy results when the brain misfires the period of paralysis so that it overlaps with waking)

Sleep Apnea - Cessation of breathing while sleeping

(during a period of sleep apnea, the level of carbon dioxide in the blood rises until the brain notices and causes the person to wake up, gasping for breath)

Hypnagogic hallucination - A symptom of narcalepsy; vivid dreams that occur just before a person falls asleep / just after waking; accompanied by sleep paralysis.

Having quoted all that out of a text book, please don't think I am saying the psychologists are right and believers in the supernatural are wrong. Personally I believe in both! Sorry for going wildly off-topic there but I thought that it might interest someone.
(Sun 23rd Apr 2006, 15:31, More)

» Sleepwalking

My parents
are so horrible they stopped me from going online this last week, all because they were afraid I'd say something nasty about them on some random webpage.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 2:49, More)

» Terrible Parenting

To those who don't want to be parents...
... as they feel the world is not a fit place to bring kids into - please reconsider. It is clear from reading many of the accounts on here that you would be miles better parents than the dole-scrounging chav scum who have no qualms about bringing another little shit into the world just so they can claim more benefit to pay for a TV that's a couple inches bigger than the previous one (which still works perfectly well).

If those of us who have an idea of how to be good parents refuse to be parents, then quite quickly the world will be filled by the offspring of those people we despise. So for the sake of the kids, have kids!

(btw, I think you should have to apply for a license to be a parent, requiring you to demonstrate an ability to look after and raise your children properly - 90% of the world's problems stem from bad parenting)
(Tue 21st Aug 2007, 11:44, More)
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