» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

dazed and confused
at my house about a year ago, sampling some little ones(pills) with about 5 or 6 guys. It was mid way through the session and we were crashed out in my housemates bedroom, listening to some blues music.

I felt i had to physically demonstrate my love for the music in the state i was in, and whilst on the bed, looked round and saw a hockey stick, which i preceeded to play air guitar on, lying on the bed with my eyes closed.

After ten minutes or so, getting really into it, the guitar had become a bass and i was slapping faster than a chav with a cameraphone.

I suddenly realised that the instrument didn't feel quite right. I got up and stated to a silent room of fuck heads.....


"NICK, THERES NO FUCKIN STRINGS ON THIS BASS!!!"

the worst part was that i realised what i was saying as i opened my eyes and saw the aforementioned hockey stick in my hands.

no one laughed for a good ten seconds, they were all in a state of shock (possibly due to being higher then kites). i still haven't lived it down, but i'm actually quite proud cause its moments like that that make life worth it.

the moral of the story........

drugs are good, mmmkayyy.



long live bill hicks.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 13:19, More)

» Mugged

Petty Crime
Skating in Birmingham City Centre with my ex-girlfriends brother a few years ago, (under the steps of the Rep theatre for those that know it), we decided to get some munchies after our mid afternoon doobie snack.

So we went to the nearest fast food den,which happened to be a Subway, and got ourselves 12inches of the sweetest chicken teriyaki. After getting back to our spot under the steps, a guy approached us asking if we had the time. As my skating accomplace reached in his pocket to get his phone, the guy lunged at him and pinned him against the wall. I pulled him off my mate, who then proceeded to right hook him, landing a shot on his lip.

His lip sprayed blood as his head turned, in a typical Rocky slow motion punch. He span round, then sat down in front of us holding back the tears (this guy was about 30), then stood up slowly, reached in his back pocket and pulled out a few rolled up Big Issues, and pleaded with us to buy some. When we refused, and rightfully told him to fuck off, he grabbed the foot long Subway from my mate and took a big bite of it. Only to have three of his teeth disappear with the first bite.

After handing it back to us, we stared in disbelief at the what he'd just done, and the bloodied, toothy chicken baguette in my mates hand. As we lifted our boards to deck him, he apologised, and handed over an eight of what we later found out was some of the strongest skunk we'd ever smoked.

He's now one of the many 'locals' to the city centre, and has become a valued person to know. So if your ever in Brum, and see a Big Issue seller with a ratty ponytail and three of his front teeth missing, say hi to Rob for me.
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 12:03, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Please Help!!!
my old PE teacher,

the first time we met him, he pronounced "the names Mr.Shephard; hard by name hard by nature". This is to give you an insight into what he was like. (Think Brian Connelly in the Grimleys)

One day in gym, playing 5-a-side football, he actually managed to break his ankle after going in for a challenge with the weediest kid in the class.

The five foot tall, skinny chinese kid saw him coming and at the last minute pulled off the sweetest side-step since Jason Robinson and co kicked Australia's ass in the world cup.

Cue our teacher, on the the floor, crying, turning to our group and screaming......

PLEASE........SEND FOR HELP!!!!

it took us a few minutes to get off the floor and compose ourselves, but mr.hop-a-long was never the same again.

revenge is sweet
(Tue 15th Nov 2005, 11:42, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

maccy d's
Sorry, but is anyone else getting pretty fuckin scared by the amount of McDonald's stories there are on this QOTW? I mean, everyones heard the rumours and stories but theres people admitting it on here.


You better watch out Ginger Fuhrer, its well known how much that clown faced twat Ronald loves a lawsuit.
(Tue 25th Jul 2006, 17:07, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Marines have fun
My brothers in the marines, and he often regales me with tales of punishment.

One particular story was when he and his troop/squadron/unit thing consisting of around 80 guys all had to do a gym workout. This is fairly common during training, and all you need to do is turn up with your kit in you kit bag for a head count, then they go and get changed.

However, one guy had been sippin back the contraband the night before and mixed his laundry up with his gym kit, and only realised his problem as he was gettin changed. In his bag, he was carryin a white bedsheet and a kingsize mars bar.

Now I reckon this is what makes being a drill sargeant, because he made the poor bastard dress up in the sheet, i presume toga style, and whilst he was doing the 50 push up punishment, he pulled up the sheet and placed the 7" of delicious dairy milk, nougat and caramel in his ass crack.

Naturally, after a few minutes more of pushups, this chocolate log (fuck you, its a good pun) started to melt, so the sargeant tells the guy to go to the first obstacle, climbing the rope. He had to keep the bar in his crack though, so with one hand on the rope and another up his ass he began to climb, and apparently made it a good 20ft up the rope until a high ranking officer walked in, unaware of the situation, noticing the guy at the top of the rope, and shouting "Boy, why have you shit yourself? You're not even at the fucking top yet!"

And as the guy began to explain himself, the chocolate falls out of his ass (now very melted and mushed up) and hit the floor beneath him. To which the high ranking officer turned and threw up the canteen's soup of the day on a fellow recruit, who was at the time doing sit-ups.



Life in the Military eh? Its not all fun and buggery.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 10:43, More)