» School Trips

Don't Stare at the Monkeys
Many moons ago we got taken to Chessington, and before we could go on any ride, we had to do the poxy biology trip around the zoo. One question on the sheet was about monkeys, and while we are looking at the them, the Biology teacher says to us "Don't stare at them", "Why?" says we, "'Coz they get all upset and think you are challenging them, here, watch" At which point he starts to stare at a little spider (type) monkey.

Said monket starts going crazy, jumping around and screaming. At which point the teacher says, "see, told you they don't like it!" and then, at they very instant, the monkey lepas at the cage infront of us, screams, rattles the cage, leans back, and then launches the most enourmous piece of monkey spit straight into the teachers eyes and mouth. Funny? not as funny as when he started running about screaming " AIDS! AIDS! I might have AIDS! "
(Fri 8th Dec 2006, 10:52, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Heckling
I'm a big chap, and at one point I used to have a big black beard...Any way, during this beard period, I went to see a comedian in a pub, whilst wearing a white & navy blue horizontal striped t-shirt. About halfway thru the act I stood up to go to the bar, only to have the comedian say..

"OI ! Are you that guy whos' been fucking Popeye's wife ?!?!"

I sat back down VERY quickly
(Tue 5th Jun 2007, 12:35, More)

» Vandalism

Commuter dispair
Back in my A level days, for a year I had to catch the train to school.

Every morning, all of the commuters in 3 small villages were all funneled down a single pathway across a common, to then cut thru an alleyway between 2 houses that lead down to the station (it saved you a good 15 min walk using this route). And down this alley, at eye level, in good sized, but not huge writing, waiting for all the middle classes living the dream of green belt living, was waiting the phrase;

"Good morning Lemmings!"

Genius......
(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 7:27, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Mafioso
When my grandmother died, I was going thru the whole long hair and big beard phase, but I turned up to the big irish funeral and did my bit.

At the gathering afterwards, my dad was talking to some random local guy who said to him.

"Did you see that huge fella with the pony tail, beard and dark glasses? Christ! I never knew that the old girl had connections in the Mafia!"

to which my dad replied... "err, yeah, thats my boy"

Que one hasty exit
(Fri 12th May 2006, 11:20, More)

» Professions I Hate

Consultant....
- Someone who asks to look at your watch, and then tells you the time...
(Fri 28th May 2010, 7:17, More)