» Karma

Karma Chameleon and the Lord
First day of secondary school. Queue up in the tuck shop and buy a can of coke. Sitting in the corner drinking said coke and I am approached by the school bully (I am later told), a huge Nigerian by the name of..wait for it..... 'Lord'. I mean as if he wasn't huge enough already you actually had to address him by calling him Lord because that was the fuckers name.

Anyway I'm digressing...Lord proceeds to approach me and asks for a sip of coke. Not wanting to cause any friction I give him the can. The bastard takes the can, takes a huge swig backwards and not only returns back to his normal swig motion but takes a huge swig forwards too. He gives the can back to me with a huge grin on his face and proceeds to walk away. I clean the lip piece and am just about to re-sip my coke when an observer, who has been watching this unfold, says 'I wouldn't drink from that if I were you mate, he's just backwashed it'. Being 11 and straight outta Compton....sorry I mean primary school (couldn't resist ;p) I was unaware of the cunning tricks and guile needed to survice in big school, after all it was my first day.

I got the cnut back though, 2 years later he was having a fight with another kid at school and we all piled into Lord. I swear the whole school beat the living shit out of Lord, kicks, punches, eye gouges rained in on him (all the pent up anger from the years of bullying he's inflicted on everyone I reckon). I personally contributed with several toe punt to his ribs. I hate violence but it felt great at the time. The whole way home I was listening to my walkman and kept on rewinding Cypress Hills 'what around come around kid' reveling in the poignancy of the lyrics to my situation.

Do I win £10?
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 17:14, More)

» Desperate Times

I found a copy of the Joy of Sex......
in my mum and dads bedroom when I were a randy pre-teen. I remember getting ridiculously aroused at the arty sexual drawings and having to relieve myself quite often. I had just discovered wanking so it was still a novelty back then. At least three, or more, times a day I would sneak off to pilfer the said book from my parents room (which was unimaginatively hidden under the bed) retreat to my room and masturbate furiously before re-hiding the book and joining the folks back downstairs to watch some shite on tv like Lovejoy or Bergerac. They must have thought something was up as departing for 10 min intervals and arriving with beads of sweat upon my forehead must have looked suspect. With the advent of internet pornography, those Joy of Sex drawings are so tame they wouldnt even register a twitch nowadays.

Eventually my folks chose a different hiding place for the book and I couldnt find it any more. I then had to resort to, in great desperation, wanking off to the pictures of 'before' and 'after' tits yould would get in the adverts for breast surgery clinics found in the back pages of sunday newpaper magazines like 'You'. Fuck me that was desperate.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 12:05, More)

» Mistaken Identity

john barnes
if i had a squid for every time someone told me i look like john barnes....i'd have 2 quid. No seriuosly, all my fecking life its been

them:do you know who you look like

me: no (i play along with it)

them: john barnes

me: really?

them: yes

me: do you want to see john barnes's nuts?

them: no

me: im getting them out anyway

sometimes when i pre-empt the answer with john barnes, they are like "yes!, really how did you guess?!!". then they think im a smug bastard who's up his own arse. although saying that, a few people have said daley thompson, which is bizarre. i think i should try some random responses just to see people reactions..the duke of marlborough, pee wee herman etc.

John fucking Barnes, with his loud suits and the presenting skills of a hostage reading a ransom note. still, sweet left foot and a great football player though. could be worse i guess, i could look like david beckham. poncy faggot! i think i prefer barnes...am i sad? (dont answer that!, although i secretly want you to..i think. im confused).
(Mon 4th Jun 2007, 15:39, More)

» First rude thing I ever saw

I dont think it the first rude thing that I ever saw....
...but I recall being a young boy and being stupidly aroused by the BOYS BOYS BOYS video by SABRINA when they showed it on TOP of the POPs. We had cable tv back then (pre Sky tv) and i managed to hook up my video recorder and tune it up to THE BOX music channel where i waited patiently for the video to re-appear so I could record it. I recorded it on teh end of my 80s cartoon complilation tapes...so halfway through thundercats it would suddenly cut to Sabrina's HUGE tits bursting out if her inadequate bikini, also containing arguably one of the very first music video nipslips too. I murdered many sperm to that video.
(Sun 14th Aug 2011, 3:42, More)

» I witnessed a crime

You swines!!!
As a policeman (before I get all the usual 'why aren't you out catching criminals' bollocks..IM ON MY DAY OFF!) I should report all you individuals for failing to report a crime and not assisting in the course of justice. But do you know what, I just cant be fucked. The paperwork would be a mile long!..... ;p

On a serious note, please don't ignore a crime if you see it. Even if you don't jump in to stop it, at least report it. Any information is better than nothing at all...WITNESSES, YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!.

have fun crime spotting y'all. peace out.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 16:09, More)