» Shame

Once in a posh restaurant...
I developed an overwhelming desire to fart. I genuinely thought it was going to be silent, so I gave it the little push as required. It wasn't silent. The restaurant was. As if this wasn't bad enough, I had the quick-wit to shout 'Ah Dad, that's disgusting'.

There's a fine line between shame and pride.
(Thu 24th Nov 2005, 19:50, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Not me, and not really funny.
One of my brother's friends who was a strict Christian was going out with a girl who was also a strict Christian. Strict to the point of 'No sex before marriage'. Anyway, said Christian bloke is getting a bit frustrated with all this, and one day gets the urge to find himself a prostitute. He's only 16, by the way, if I haven't mentioned that.

So he finds himself a nice prostitude and does his virginal deed. Apparently he was physically sick afterwards, so perhaps sex just isn't his bag.

Anyway, he's filled with guilt and remorse. He considers telling his girlfriend, but he knows that everything will be over. So he does the most stupid thing ever - he decides to tell his girlfriend's parents. Strict Christian parents at that.

You'd have thought that they'd have been mad with rage. But no. They told their daughter about it and between them they resolved the issues. Fucking Christian forgiveness. If I so much as look at another girl I'm in the dog-house for a week, yet this girl gets to sleep with whores and still keep his biatch. No justice.*

*unless he got AIDS.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 13:37, More)

» Too much information

Whilst clearing the loft...
...my brother and I happened to stumble upon an old Valentine's card from our father to our mother, I'm guessing from a fairly early stage in their marriage.

The front of the card said 'Love is...', so we keenly opened it to see what secrets our dear father could pass onto us. To our horror, we discovered a crudely constructed pop-up penis and the word 'peanu(t)s'.

So proud, so proud.
(Sun 9th Sep 2007, 17:30, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

My mum is old.
My mum once asked me 'which button do I right click with?'.

I wanted to die.
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 18:13, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

I made this up, but I can't quite make it work...
Why did the amputee musician play really quickly? To make allegro.

See, it doesn't quite work.

My brother told me a joke today, as follows...

A vampire walked into a bar and asked the barman for a mug of hot water. The barman looked somewhat bemused and said 'Don't you normally go for blood?'. The vampire quickly whipped out a used tampon and said 'Nah, I'm just making a brew'.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 1:46, More)