» Mini Cabs From Hell

Mini Cab from Heaven
Got one a couple of months back from East London back to North London, from outside a club where the vulture minicab driving throng was waiting to pounce on unsuspecting/off-their-tits clubbers. He pushed his way towards us, shouting that he would charge us only a tenner to go anywhere inside the M25. Obviously not wishing to look a gift horse in the mouth, we grabbed him and piled into his car.

After a minute or so of driving, he turned in his seat and said "You want to skin up? I've got a big bag of weed ...". He then proceeded to do several laps of the Tottenham one way system so we could finish the spliffs.

What a star. Never seen him again.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 11:08, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

An oldy but a bloody oops errm i mean goody
A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy .

Suddenly the nurse throws the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times and throws it against the wall.

The woman watches with a look of horro on her face, gives out a loud scream and yells "MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ?"

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself. 'April Fools', she says, 'He was already dead'.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 17:40, More)

» Insults

As I'm lazier than a rapist in a charm school class...
.. I may be repeating this one, heard from some Saffas:

"You were born out your mother's ass as her pussy was busy at the time."

Also one used by me in a bar on a loud mouthed public school wanker who was insulting some poor random:

"Didn't Daddy teach you any respect whilst he was fucking you up the ass?"

He shut up.
(Mon 8th Oct 2007, 21:39, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

I once worked in a Mexican restaurant
in Clapham Junction, where one of the chefs was Croatia, formerly part of Yugoslavia.

At the time, Yugslavia was being torn apart by civil war, so when a group of rugger buggers came in one night and started to share their opinions of how 'those bloody gyppo Yugoslavians should kill each other and have done with it' etc etc, chef was non too impressed.

The loudest of the cretins requested the house special desert, lemon and lime sorbet with tequila, so chef, suffering from a terribly phlegm filled pair of lungs due to an encroaching cold, coughed up his own special lime coloured chewy sauce onto the boy's frozen delight. The recipient complemented the waitress on the meal....
(Sat 22nd Jul 2006, 23:09, More)

» My Worst Date

met a woman
at a party, got on really well, got her number, arranged to meet up for a drink. I turn up to the pub early, start warming to the dutch courage, chatting b*ll*cks to the barstaff, waiting for this woman to turn up.. I'm stood there, well into my third pint when someone taps me on the shoulder and says 'Are you ....?'. There's this woman stood there, not the one I'd arranged to meet, so I cagily say 'yeeees...'

She says 'well come and sit down then'. A little bemused by this, I follow her over to a table where another woman and a bloke are sat. She interrupts their conversation and says 'this is ... and by the way, X sent us along tonight to meet you.'

Scarily I thought 'f*ck this' and sat down, had a damn good laugh with them, but funnily enough never saw X or her mates again....
(Wed 27th Oct 2004, 0:11, More)