b3ta.com user mmmkay
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» Spoilt Brats

bake a cake
We were baking cakes in a home economics class, and everyone was to bring decorations from home. Most people brought candles or icing sugar or whipped cream or some varieties of fruit, but it was the posh kid in the class who kicked it up a notch. By the time she'd finished decorating, her cake had on it: jelly beans, sequins, tassles, sparklers, elegant figurines, an ipod shuffle, a flamethrower, antique furniture, a hovercraft, hitler, a jetpack, a cure for AIDS, a proof of the Riemann hypothesis, and the chinese national army.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 17:34, More)

» Pubs

my girlfriend says I should trim mine
wait... what does that say again?
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 0:38, More)

» We have to talk

Me: "What's the best thing about sex with a five year old?"
Her: "... ..."
Me: "You get to kick it to death in the woods afterwards"
Her: "... ..."
Me: "Ok, we have to talk"

Get a sense of humour, you uptight wench.
(Sun 22nd Apr 2007, 1:34, More)

» Sleepwalking

I don't sleepwalk, but my ex thinks I do
I hated her. So I got out of bed, opened her knicker-drawer, and pissed all over her thongs. She woke and complained at me, but I just ignored her, climbed in bed, and went to sleep. When I woke up, I denied all knowledge. Success!

That'll teach you for making me watch East-fucking-enders.

Length? It used to bring her to tears.
(Sat 25th Aug 2007, 6:34, More)

» Other people's diaries

Length? She loved every inch.
The boyfriend of the sister of my ex is something of a pathological liar. I'll call him Steve, for that was the name of the stumpy pig-faced git. It was always clear that Steve's up to something. So I used to read his emails (he'd told me his password some months before, stupid twunt) to see what he'd been up to. Well, plenty of the 'usual' stuff -- emails to other girls, which basically described entire other relationships going on. Not just one, though; this guy was a frickin player, with a few on the go.

However, that's not what surprised me.

He was also subscribed to a website which might vaguely be described as a dating website, which I now understand means 'email-a-random-stranger-and-meet-up-for-a-shag'. He had a folder full of emails and responses from the dating website, catalogueing meeting upon meeting upon meeting, tons of betrayals to his current 'real' girlfriend.

This still isn't what surprised me.

What surprised me was his choice in women... MASSIVELY overweight 40-50yr olds. He particularly liked rolls of flab. Two things struck me as scary in the 'saucy' emails he was getting:

- he liked to 'shag' the layers of flab, much like a titwank, but wobblier allegedly.
- he liked to be shit on during sex.



(Wed 7th Feb 2007, 18:34, More)
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