b3ta.com user sneezymonkey
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» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

I'm not ashamed of this but worth telling anyway.

Picture the house, high end audio/visual gadgets all over, top of the range everything, midget butlers, porn on projectors, reclining chairs, space cake, pills etc...

Yep it was a mega house party I attended back in 2002.

Anyway, back to the topic in hand. A female stripper for the lads, a male one in a different room for the lasses.

The male stripper was a stripping virgin. Told everyone it was his first gig & IT SHOWED! He did the usual whipped cream/torso rubbing stuff.. did a little jig while getting nekkid... SO BORING. So he asked if we had any suggestions. Me being me decided to be bold & asked him if I could pour some spirits over his body & lick it off *worra feckin' slagbag eh*

So... the usual, martini, wine, vodka etc was liberally poured over him & we all had a taste.

I then suggested absinthe. Oops.

It was ok on his body.. until I suggested he put some on his tinkle. He did & said it felt kinda warming... THEN suggested I put some on my foo foo... so I tried it.. a damn good handful I will add. Hmm, felt kinda warm just like he'd said.

Fast forward 2 minutes & we hears 'ICE! ICE! GET ME SOME FECKIN' ICE! Oh Lord.. his tinkle had began to burn. My lady garden felt a bit like a prawn vindaloo too. Anyway, he got his ice, relieved his burning, gave me a kiss & said 'If only all girls were as mad as you' *not sure if that was meant as a compliment or not* but anyway, his gig was over & he left.

Next morning I awoke to a very hot itchy foo foo, couldn't remember any random nocturnal activity so didn't think much of it but 3 days later had to go to the doc with my hot problem & he diagnosed second degree burns to my foo foo & prescribed cream.

It all turns out the stripper had exactly the same problem too. His cock was burnt.

Oops. I burned someones cock. Ha!

So yeah, not majorly shame worthy or anything but quite funny. Poor lad, wonder if he did anymore stripping after that?
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 20:14, More)

» Hypocrisy

Double standards..
Yeah, me, i'm guilty as charged.

When I first met my other half I used to go on at him when I found his wank mags, coupled with spunky socks & bog roll now & again, telling him he shouldn't be wanking alone while I was out cos it made me feel like shit etc...

...all the while me getting friendly with my vibrator & reading erotica EVERY TIME he left the house haha

Oh the shame of being an insecure woman.. double standards, yes, but I was smiling :D
(Sat 21st Feb 2009, 22:34, More)

» Your first cigarette

My 1st was a Marlboro. Yes, a painful dogshitty tasting Marlboro kindly offered to me by someone I fancied. I was 11 or 12. He was about 17. I thought it would make him fancy me or something.. how innocent was I?

So yeah I had a drag & coughed like an old woman but I wasn't sick. YAY me.

It didn't put me off unfortunately. 16 years later & I now smoke 20 a day. Funnily enough the lad I tried to impress has given up *don't blame him after smoking them dogshit sticks*

Bah. My lungs are like shields of steel. Not.
(Thu 20th Mar 2008, 17:27, More)