b3ta.com user Set your faces to Stunned
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» Funny Stories

Many years ago I was returning to the homestead after a classic Friday night in The City.
Cab hailed and an uneventful journey back to Camberwell save for the odd 5 minutes of sleep was the order of the night.

Whilst standing paying for the cab I let out a cheeky fart not expecting the litre of hot liquid shart that was now in my suit trousers.

Luckily for me there is a super loo on Camberwell Green so I very gingerly and very straight legged walk the short distance to the convenience and pays my 20p. The door opens to my great relief so I go in and sit down surveying the devastation that needs cleaning before the short walk home.

2 handfuls of paper, which cleans next to nothing, was the only available paper before the dispenser gives up the ghost. I then spend ages balling up newspaper and trying to finish the job off when I am timed out and the DOOR OPENS.

I hastily pull up my trousers and walk home with the cold wet matter touching my arse and legs. Walk straight into the bathroom and get immediately in the shower.

I did manage to have the last laugh as my flatmate went to the dry cleaner the next day and took my balled up suit in a plastic bag on my behalf. However the next day when he picked up our clean dry cleaning he was told in no uncertain terms that he wasn't welcome in that shop ever again.
(Fri 19th Jun 2015, 9:17, More)

» Corporate Idiocy

Tee hee. Tittish Belicom.

(Tue 28th Feb 2012, 16:20, More)

» Funny Stories

I shit myself outside M&S on Oxford St when I was 23.
I went in and bought new pants, socks and jeans. Then got changed/cleaned up in the gents of The Tottenham on Oxford Street leaving my shitty clothing in the cubicle.

About half an hour later the barman came out of the toilets exclaiming that I wouldn't believe what some dirty bastard had done to his toilets.
(Thu 18th Jun 2015, 15:47, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Early starter
I skived two and a half months of fourth form double geography on a Thursday afternoon. No style, no panache. Just didn't bother. When the register ladies caught up and I got the obligatory appointment with the Head and my Mum I told them I had been going to the clap clinic. That counts as sick, right?

I'm over 30 now and my mum still thinks it's true.

1st time poster, long time reader.
(Wed 14th Jun 2006, 16:30, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

1984 (the year, not the book)
My 4th year juniors class had a tour of the Kent village vicarage next to our school. It was very dull but much better than school.

I stole a picture of the vicar's daughter in a bikini (she was about 17 I suppose) and flashed it round the school afterwards.

I found the photo about 3 years later in my room and had several crafty shermans on the strength of it.

Not too bad?
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 13:21, More)
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