b3ta.com user enceladus
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Hello. I'm Richard. I'm an English teacher, so I have to resist the urge to spring into pedantic action at the first sign of a crime against spelling or a misplaced apostrophe. See me.

After a hard day at the whiteboard, enduring the company of peurile adolescents who think that the knob-gag is the highest form of humour, I enjoy nothing more than the company of sane, witty, mature conversationalists who enjoy discussing literature and the arts.

But still I come back to b3ta.

This is me, enjoying a manly drink on a Thai beach. Tartan tablecloths are very fashionable in the Orient.

Apparently, I'm going to look like Anthony Gormley soon

A cool tag by the friendly Fiend. I am so street it hurts:

(click for biggie)

A mind-bending ambigram by the exceptionally pleasant flatfrog:

A few posts:

Run, Cary, run!!

This was for the 'update Gladiators' competition...plus topicalols

I got a bit carried away for the 'recreate a famous work of art using everyday objects' competition: Magritte, Picasso, Dali, Hirst and Hiroshige got the treatment. But you would have known that anyway, you cultured thing...

Pasanonic dashed off this delightful take on my floor-dove, the swine:

One of my bananas went feral:

Another one thinks he's Hitler...

Olympic mascots...

Not another syndrome...

Attention students: buying a year's supply of food has just got a lot easier and cheaper...

An animated album cover:

Twitter ye not...

Not surprised they lost. Their 'message' was a bit confusing.

Heston's gone too far this time...

Lean beef, of course...

Couldn't fit Sedaka in...

Adverts fall into nine distinct categories when you think about it...

Odd Jobs in the toilet again....

Ed Balls. Crazy name, crazy guy...

More Balls...

A baa chart...

The Bible sells advertising space...

Rupert has a bad trip...

Oh, Pooh...

I don't normally do badges, but this was a lovely moment:

(by the splendid HappyToast...)

Have a look

...and a goatse to finish with. Sorry.

Here's a scary video what I made in Thailand of a fly getting revenge on a spider (it's actually a wasp that paralyses its eight-legged victim and then lays lots of eggs. The little darlings then hatch and enjoy a tasty breakfast. Nice...)
predator vs prey

Recent front page messages:

I might be mistaken...

but I think that's a Turner, a Whistler and a Hopper.
(sorry, everyone)
(Mon 3rd Sep 2012, 12:58, More)

paws/pores/pause homophone lols...

(Wed 27th Jul 2011, 11:04, More)

OMG he's still alive!

Has Little Nellie arrived yet?
(Tue 3rd May 2011, 16:20, More)

Poor Polyphemus...

He can't do those 'magic eye' things either.
(Fri 8th Apr 2011, 19:54, More)

He's a regular Charlie Brooker...

All his own work - (OK, I added a capital...)
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 21:58, More)

Those two aren't as much fun as they used to be...

...since they've started sharing that flat.

it's bindun hasn't it? It has to have been...
edit: I knew it! :)

(Thu 29th Apr 2010, 19:19, More)

Aw...that's lovely, Tony

..but you should be outside, playing in the real snow.
edit: and a shout out to Tampa Bay
(Wed 6th Jan 2010, 11:48, More)

I like watching those sign language guys...

...they can be surprisingly expressive.
(Sun 18th Oct 2009, 12:20, More)

No Surprises for Derren...

"I could have bribed someone at the Kinder factory - but that would have been illegal..."
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 15:16, More)

I say!

Will they still have moustache wax in the future, Carruthers?
(Thu 27th Aug 2009, 14:15, More)


sorry for silliness...
(Mon 16th Feb 2009, 19:27, More)

Everyone's got one now...

(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 16:41, More)

Best answers to questions:

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

When Jamiroquai share a spliff, they call it a "Harry Potter"
because it was created by Jay Kay rolling.
(Fri 20th Nov 2020, 23:56, More)

» When Animals Attack

Stings and their treatment...
On a visit to Thailand, I was happily splashing about in the sea when my frolics were abruptly cut short by sudden intense pain. I ran out and inpected the damage: a jellyfish had left an angry red welt on my stomach. If you've never been savaged by one of those gelatinous denizens of the deep, it hurts like fuck for about ten minutes, continues to hurt like buggery for about half an hour, then gradually tails off to a low-level pain that just makes you snuffle a bit.

Various kind people offered advice:

1. Piss on it (the classic remedy) - tempting, but rather awkward to implement in public without a certain loss of dignity.
2. Rub it with vinegar - a less unpleasant alternative to piss, but, Thailand having a dirth of fish and chip shops, I couldn't locate any.
4. Smear banana on the affected area - a local tip from a nice Thai lady who gave me a banana she happened to have about her person to use for this very purpose. It worked a bit, but probably not as well as piss or vinegar.
5. Stop winging, you Pommie bastard - an Australian gentleman consoled me with the words - "If that'd been a box jellyfish, you'd be dead by now."
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 21:53, More)