» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Horny in Harold Wood
New poster guys so please be kind!

Back in 2001 i was 'working' for an insurance underwriters in the city, anyhoo being the gap year student i never really was given much to do so spent most of my time surfing big waves on the net.
During this period i was also a subscriber to an email newsletter called 'The Friday Thing'. One of the services it offerd was the friday flirt and being the eternally optimistic and horny 18yo i sent an email to a girl named 'Tiger' or something akin to that.....and she replied.
Cue two days of email flirting and an agreement that i should pop over to her flat in Harold Wood on the Sunday (we exchanged fotos and she was quite a hot, if a tiny bit chubby red head)
Sunday arrives, my mum drops me at the end of her street (i couldn't drive legally then) and i go into her flat. Over the next 2 hours we chew the fat, she shoes me her shoe collection (kinky) and we consume an outrageous amount of alcohol. Next thing i know we're in her bedroom where she promptly demands that i
"Fuck her silly" and "not to bother with any of that foreplay shit"
This is a touch i think,and after the deed is done lay back feeling quite smug.....until she says that her ex-boyfriend is popping over for a chat with me (why?!) and that he's just got out of prison. The area looks like a BNP stronghold anyway so cue my sharpish exit under the guise of having a fag only to pretty much walk into the human equivalent of a doberman walking into the flats. I put my head down, walked a good block away and phoned my mum to pick me up. I also went for a check up at the clinic a week later.
(Wed 22nd Mar 2006, 17:12, More)

» Debt pron

Dole….a few observations.
‘I'm 19 and I've never even considered getting a credit card or loan’ – yes, because you’re 19 and you still live at home, so are we to take it you’re paying market rent to stay there? I doubt it. Are you paying your own council tax, contributing to the water rates, electricity bills etc and also putting money into the pot for the sky tv your house probably has and the broadband you’re using now? Again, I doubt it.

‘The key is to SAVE DAMMIT SAVE, I have a wonderful social life and can afford all the luxuries I want after only having 1 part time job for a year’ – just out of interest were you being fully taxed on this? Again I doubt it as you would’ve been a student, then again this is more of a moot point. What do you class as luxuries though? Up to the age of about 20 luxuary for me was pizza express if I was paying and a really budget piece of travelling around Turkey for a month, now I’ll happily go to an expensive restaurant in London or to the Caribbean on holiday, why? Well yes these things are expensive and yes I may put them on my credit card and pay them off slowly or when bonus time comes around but I don’t worry about that, at the end of the day they are memorable experiences!

‘Thanks to one savings account I can keep up this life for about a year before I become a fireman hopefully’ – A very commendable career choice

BUT

‘One last thing though, money to me means NOTHING, so long as I can live I am happy with the amount I have.’ – So I take it you won’t be one of the firemen to go out and strike about the pay then? Because of course your saving technique is groundbreaking! I’d love to see what the older guy at the firestation with 2 kids and a mortgage up to the hilt does when you give your little tuition session about money and how you’re not going to strike because and to quote
“money to me means NOTHING”

I think he’d probably tell you to cock-off! Come back and try and teach your grandmother how to suck eggs when you’ve lived in the real world you puppy! Some people may have actually read some of the posts and felt a bit better about themselves after looking at the shit they’re in, they don’t need people preaching about ‘no excuses’. Others come here for a laugh which your post certainly wasn’t.

As for your mate at uni studying on a course he dosen’t like for a job that might kill him, well I’ll tell you what, the skills he’s probably learning are transferable to jobs he might very well enjoy and still pay well so in the future when he hopefully does have quality of life found in family, he will be earning that bit more which puts the icing on the cake!

As for sleep/insomnia, try repeatedly banging your head against a wall.

Length, girth etc....bollocks!
(Mon 27th Nov 2006, 11:14, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Tablet to be swallowed with water....
Having acquired a sleeve of nice, strong viagra from my father (cheers dad) and tried them out on the girl i was seeing in Manchester at the time (that was a great couple of nites), i returned to an unusally narcotics dry Canterbury.
Cue Friday nite sitting in with uni chums, no mandy, no charlie chang and no mary-jane....bugger! What are we going to do?

"Well i've got some Viagra, why don't we crush it and snort it?"

5 minutes later and 4 drugs cats (2 girls and 2 boys) kneel round the house mirror with a nice, semi-crushed line of concrete cock capsule in front of each of us.
I roll up the fiver (poor students) and bosch the line in one, what was the best i could hope for? Well, if you've ever been sprayed in the face with CS gas just take away the sensation of your skin burning off you face and transfer that to the back of your throat.

What did i learn from this? Stick to snorting things that you buy from dodgy dealers instead of 'safe' precription drugs. And no, my nose didn't go hard!

I did manage to mask the pain from my friends (apart from the watering eyes) until they all too had dispatched with their doses!

I guess you could compare what happened next to the scene in Withnail and I when Withnail drinks the lighter fluid apart from there were 4 of us trying to reach in our mouths and scratch our throats!
(Fri 5th May 2006, 13:51, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

I once put....
some rocks in a roll and ate it. I now have less teeth than lemmy. Now that's rock and roll!

The End

No appologies.
(Tue 4th Jul 2006, 13:01, More)

» Mugged

3 stories from 'Pon Road'
Growing up in Walthamstow (east london for any who don't remember the bell ends that were east 17, Brain Harvey actually lived down my road but that's a whole other story) i've had my fair share of dramas pon road (sorry bout the hoodie/gang starrrr lingo but it adds to the atmosphere)!

The first of my offerings however took place in quaint ol Canterbury. After a rather boozey, mary-jane filled night of uni fun myself, jimmy (uni mate) and Archie (Jim's mate from school) decide to walk into town at 5 in the morn and wait for the golden arches to open for a McBreakfast (the hash browns are nang). So they we are, perching on the benches outside the luxuar restaurant when a chap with his chavvy Henry Lloyd coat zipped up over his mouth walks up to us with his hands in his pockets and mumbles something.
"What's that mate?" Jimmy asked
Once again mumbling but this time we quite clearly hear
"Give me you money"
Now lets look at the evidence, 3 of us, even though i'm not that big jim and archiebold are, 1 of him.
Us in unison: "Fuck of you scally cunt!"
Him after unzipping his jacket: "Can you lend us a quid then?"
Me: "No really mate, fuck off and eat a dick you bombar claht" (i don't normally speak like this unless joking with friends but i couldn't resist it)
Archie stands up and the bloke legs it, it wasn't till after he was round the corner archie said the reason he stood up was to give him a quid!

Second incident was in walthamstow. When i was about 14 i used to 'cotch' in the local video shop and bun weed all day through the school holidays. Anyhoo, one lovely july day one of the local boys (who was a bit margot - thin/weak) comes running in proclaiming he had been mugged by 2 blokes. Normally we would've have cained him about this but realising this had happened in our hood you can imagine how we felt.....dissed blood! Cue 8 street kids of various ages jumping into 2 souped up Novas (yes i cringe as i write this) tearing off to find the muggers). 5minutes later and we've spotted them just past Billet roundabout. Both cars screech to a halt and we surround them baying for blood and revenge. To keep it short they were instructed to strip to their boxers and told to "Fuck off". It wasn't until i got back in the car and saw the spoils of their various mugging missions that emerged from their jacket and jeans pockets that i realised we'd just mugged them! Street Justice.

The last one still scares me. I recently met up with a friend i went to a very good charity boarding school (school for underprivileged kids see school of rock) with for a pint. We hadn't seen each other for a long time as this bloke had been expelled when we were 16. Now he came from Bow and really was from the ghetto, he'd been stabbed etc and most probably had done the same but was a good mate even if i didn't approve sometimes. I don't know how it got onto the subject but his sister had been mugged in his 'manor' by a yout he knew. Now the sister had gone round to this chaps house and asked for him to return the bracelet he had taken, but alas to no avail.
Me:"so what happened mate?"
My friend from the ghetto, saying in a very calm voice:"I burnt his house"
Other friend who was with us:"but you didn't get the bracelet"
Friend from ghetto:"No, but he only has half a house now"

Lessons to take from this....Don't fuck with really aggy looking people from the ghetto, generally they don't give a fuck!
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 16:21, More)