b3ta.com user Gimli son of Gloin.
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» The worst sex I ever had

Put me right off my stroke.
In the six years since losing the dreaded V plates I have had some interesting experiences.

The one that sticks out was the time I was boffing my ex in her bedroom, while her parents were down the pub.

We were doing the horizontal dance when we heard the front door open. No matter I thought, I am almost done and they are likely to fumble around downstairs for a while. So I give it one or two last toe curling pushes, before I suggest to the former ladyfriend that I use her ample breasts, as a tissue for my man deposit.

She agreed. (dirty bitch, she was) I pulled out, straddled her and started the short job of finishing off.

Here I was straddling a pretty hot lass, member in hand, ready to give her the kind of nut custard blast that would make Peter North blush. When, without making a sound, her mother (ropey is a fair description, 'Christ on a bike, what the fuck is that!' is probably fairer) shot up the stairs burst through the door, to the sight of her 16 year old daughter in the process of getting glazed like a doughnut.

My monstrous Peter North style ejaculation turned into a feeble excuse for a dribble. My orgasm went from a raging ball of thunder that was ready to explode with collosal magnitude, to a deflation of small balloon with a hole in it and my will to live evaporated.

The wind being sucked out of me is a sensation I will never forget.

Im fairly sure we did it again after they had gone to bed though.

Lenth...No I cant, its too easy.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 12:00, More)

» We have to talk

I have just returned from a week in Spain
With a group of friends. Two of whom, shall be called Mr and Mrs 'just friends' (I don't know if either of them or other involved parties read this so I'm going to have to be subtle) as thats what they have insisted they are for god knows how long. This despite the fact they normally spend every second they are in the same room fondling, kissing and boinking etc. Anyway, after a week of barely seeing either of them, due to them being of somewhere else from the rest of us, often the bedroom. They have to talk.

After several days of this idillic love-in they decide to 'have a talk' namely about the fact both of them have other partners. Funnily enough it doesnt particularly swimmingly and an argument ensues. This leads to Mr justfriends storming off to have a sit down on the beach at 4am and returning with this story. A well dressed Spanish chap comes and sits next to him. They sit in silence for a while sharing a moment. Mr JF assumes his new friend is in a similar position, a shit night or whatever. The Spanish chap taps him on the shoulder and licks his hand making a funny face. Mr JF assumes he means go for a Tequila, drown their sorrows. Mr JF shakes his head as he doesnt particullary feel like drinking. The Spaniard guesses its the language barrier and decides to check once more. Licking at his hand, making a drinking motion, funny face. Its then Mr JF realises. He is being propositioned. In his broken Spanish, he tries to explain he isnt gay and doesnt wish to suck his new friends penis.

His new friend saddened by his rejection walks away headed for some cliffs.

See what 'the talk' can lead too.
A gay Spaniards suicide.

Sorry about the length. But having seen Mr JF in the shower I can see why the Spaniard was so upset.
(Sun 22nd Apr 2007, 17:15, More)

» Sleepwalking

On holiday
In Portugal it was a couple of months ago, I just walked out the hotel room.

Now I dont know where the fuck I am.

Maddy xx.

Wooo first Maddy joke! (I think, I didnt read everything in detail)
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 13:03, More)

» Guilty Secrets

I imagine
Rachelswipe is really ugly and fat.

I am sorry.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 17:25, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Several months ago. The fine people at tescos were offering a rather swanky 2-4-1 deal on theme park tickets when more than £10 is spent. So as pikey students this seemed like a fine day out on the cheep. A bunch of us save our vouchers and then load up into a bunch of cars and fly mob handed down to Thorpe Park.

I love[d] scary rides, however old age (22 for fuck sake) seems to have got the better of my stomach and inner ears and I cant deal with much in the way of fast, rotatory movement. I was coming off every ride in a sweat and feeling like I was going to hurl. Luckily to make me feel like less of a pansy my chum whom we shall call Mr. Morgan as that is what his father is also called, was afflicted with the same weak constitution.

We bravely soldiered on, going on every ride we could despite the fact it made us feel like shit until it was home time. We pile into the cars again and make our way home. It just so happened that I was in Morgan's car (with 2 other gents all in our pants, due to our clothes being wet from the log flume, but that information is of no relevance. I just wanted to add to the comedy). Anyway over the M25 we go, rush hour traffic, not too bad. When Morgan announces he is feeling really rough. Being the good Samaritan, I offer to drive. We pull over swap round and continue on our journey.

Around the Junction of Enfield Morgan's guts can take no more and he starts violently vomiting out the window. The sight of it spraying on the back window and the sound of the other passengers laughing, is something I will never forget.

My guilty secret* is despite trying to be sympathetic. I really found it the funniest thing ever.

*Its not really a secret as I was on the verge of losing bowl control due to laughing.

A real secret would be that we mocked a child while at Thorpe Park. But to be fair. He was obese, ginger and Pakistani, I shit you not. Living proof there is no god.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 13:07, More)
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