b3ta.com user -:Coop:-
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Hmmmm...... hobbies: Plotting world domination from my Mountain Lair in Patagonia, with my token fluffy white cat "DrSchnauss".

Bingo bango woo yay and hoopla.

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» Injured Siblings

Yukka's of Mass Destruction
The incident with the Yukka

Saturday Evenings, when I was a wee laddie, always consisted of "Bathtime" after the A-team. I wasn't particulary fond of this activity, so this is normally what ensued:
Dad: "Time for you bath sonny"
Me: "No"
Dad: "Look, do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way" (Line most uttered to me in my years of existance)
Me: "no" (No was the first word I ever uttered - Think I was born to dispute)
Dad *Grabs son by the ankle and drags him up the stairs*

Cue me wriggling free, seeing the closest object to be being this Yukka plant - cue a 4year old holding the mighty plant above my head ala Heston in the 10 commandments, and launching it at my dad, who ducks, whistling past his head and then taking my 20 year old 1/2 sister out.

After realising what I did, I think the whites of my eyes were actually larger then my head.

(Thu 18th Aug 2005, 12:58, More)

» Toilets

When sphincter's attack
I have a certain love for "all things spicy", so imagine my delight when I found that my local supermarket started selling those chili's you get with your kebab's.
I bought lots of jars. A plethora of jarage perhaps. And ate them. Ate them with gusto and with everything. Pasta, Chips, Soup, just Cheese and Chili - Probably the only thing I didn't eat with Chili was my breakfast.
So after a few days of this, and sometimes getting the munchies and wolfing down just Chili on its own, the vast amount of Chili content in my stomach started to strike back.

I was on my way home from work, arrived at the station and made my way to my new ladyfancy friend I'd recently started shagging. I'd had bad indegestion all day, heartburn and everything else. Then, to my horror, I got a fairly large sphincter quiver, my first ever. This lasted for about 4 seconds and felt like my arse had turned into a rocket and was ready for blast off....

I then knew I had to drop my payload, and fast. Problem was I was in a house that I'd only been to twice before and there was no way I would destroy this ladies toilet (And most possibly the shagging oppotunity)
I made my excuses and left.

I had a 10minute walk. A 10minute walk I never want to experience again. With every 3 steps came the most almighty sphincter quiver, each one getting worse then the previous one. I felt like I was in labour and about to give birth to some alien chili gremlin.
After the last almighty contraction, I had to get my waddle on (Walking normally was impossible by this time, I was walking like a poor John Wayne impressionist), I eventually get my keys out, fingers clammy, chili sweating from every pore.
I get to the toilet - What then happens is a feeling I never want again.
Felt like a combination of a cluster bomb and a McSplurry, my eyes were watering, I was crying out due to the horrific blazing-ring-sting.....
Took a full week before defacting was a pleasure once again
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 16:47, More)

» The Onosecond

P45 time.....
Almost managed to get myself the sack at current job when I first started. Workmate forwarded me some document to then send onto one of our customers. I noticed a second attachent when forwarding said email, but thought it was just a text document of email addresses or whatnot.
Only when I got a furious call from said customer did I investigate what this second phantom attachment was. I open it to find a picture of the biggest, hairiest spred legged gash I have ever encountered, or ever want to encounter.
Luckily, much back peddling and finger pointing saved my self from the ultimate p45 shame......
Take my length and gag, grrr!
(Thu 26th May 2005, 11:16, More)

» Petty Sabotage

...decided to get a little payback on the normal office prankster - By advertising in Loot for a dozen kittens for sale with the pranksters phone number for contact.
Prankster had to endure calls for 3weeks, each time explaining that he didn't have any kittens for sale. In the end, he just gave up and said he'd sold them all on.

A month later he started getting calls from members of the public about puppies.....
(Wed 4th May 2005, 16:51, More)

» Hidden Treasure

batteries covered in stickytape + wrapped in string. xmas time circa 1995
Sort of uncovered treasure.
I called it Treasure Dipping. In postboxes. I plundered £30 from various xmas cards I hauled from the postbox via my fashioned sticky fishing implement.

I'm still waiting for Karma to get me back for this.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 14:01, More)
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