» Stupid Dares

Apparently I have a sauce.
During a particularly desperate, poor and depressing part of my life I did something that still makes me feel ill now.

Whilst wasting what money I did have in the pub a friend bet me/dared me to eat a whole basket of condiment sachets (I was going through a phase of putting silly amounts of them on chips. A pathetic replacement for nutrients.)

He said he would give me £50 if I got through the whole lot. The problem was there was no way to 'dilute' them, no chips, no bap etc.. To earn my £50 I had to eat them one after another, no breaks, no water. We stole the basket and retired to my hovel.

They were all the ones I hate; brown, horseradish, tartar, salad cream.

I managed to get through 28 when the urge to puke took over.

I ran to the bathroom, dived towards the toilet and proceeded to bring all 28 back up.

My friend stood at the door cackling hysterically, I screamed at him to fetch water, he responded by thrusting £50 into my hand. At this point a glass of water was worth the £50. I loudly slurred at him to get "FUCKING WATER" throwing the money back.

He eventually got some for me, but let me keep the £50 even though I'd left 6 sachets as apparently: "The sight of you puking multicoloured streams in pretty much the reverse order to how they went in was worth £50 of his money any day"

Cunt.
(Wed 7th Nov 2007, 22:30, More)

» Council Cunts

TW council employ traffic wardens that are probably sex pests.
I got a rather unfair parking ticket from a local cunty traffic warden with the badge number TW*** who I regularly see skulking around town grinning to himself. Sadist.

I shall let my letter to the council tell the rest of the story:



Dear Cunts.

I would like to make a complaint about the aloof, obnoxious attitude displayed by your uniformed automaton TW***. Today I received a parking fine for being parked opposite the Foyer video shop on London Road Tunbridge Wells (despite the fact that cars seem to be parked there all day long without any problems and that I was there for approximately 6 minutes, NOT obstructing traffic).

I am not disputing the fine since I am not a hire company or white van driver. I am angry by the way that TW*** spoke to me as if I was 12. I have never had a parking ticket before so I am not familiar with your draconian procedures. When I asked how the system worked I was met by a snort and a sarcastic “Well what do you want to know?” He kept walking away from me, and not answering my questions, referring me to the leaflet stuck to my car, no doubt on the prowl for other targets to pounce on therefore adding to his hopefully meagre pay packet.

I must point out that I was not aggressive or rude. Although I was understandably annoyed, obviously I will not be parking there again as I have no desire to break the law. As the brief conversation ensued I became more and more frustrated by TW***’s evasiveness. If you are going to take a job that makes you a despised figure in public opinion at least have the decency to take the time to POLITELY explain the fine procedure, not patronisingly dismiss me. I started the conversation calmly and politely I am a passive person who as no affection for confrontation, however TW***’s attitude annoyed me far more than the parking ticket. By the way I suggest you concentrate your efforts on Monson Road. A road where blatant obstruction is commonplace.

I do not think it is too much to ask that TW*** is polite enough to answer my questions. I had not seen the documentation stuck to my car and simply wanted to know the process.

I would appreciate some sort of reply and for this to be fed back to TW***, so that he perhaps thinks about the way he speaks to his ‘customers’.

I appreciate your time, and look forward to receiving a reply within 14 days or a twice as large reply within 30.

Yours sincerely,



Drugs ARE the answer.
(Thu 26th Jul 2007, 20:17, More)

» Sleepwalking

After one very drunken birthday........
I opened my eyes to see my front door. From the outside.

I was standing up, in the communal hall of my flats, in my pants, in February.

Blind panic set in when I realised I had locked myself out of my house at 3am, with no way of getting back in. I was still very drunk at this point.

I started to weigh up my options.

1. Break in.
2. Run half a mile down the road in my pants to call the police
3. Wake up an elderly neighbour who would be no use anyway.

I tried option 1. I spent a good 10 minutes trying to force my arm through my letterbox to reach the door handle. I was spitting on my arm to lubricate it and tearing my arm to shreds at the same time.

Then I started crying. I was freezing cold, almost naked and incredibly confused.

I had been out there for 15 minutes at this point and I decided to bite the bullet and run down to the phone box.

......

Then I remembered that I did actually live with my girlfriend (and had done for at least 2 years at that point). I rang the door bell.

She got up and let me in.

I'd spent 15 minutes panicking like a fucking idiot, trying to break in when my girlfriend had been asleep in the flat the whole time

.....

She told me that she heard the doorbell, looked at the clock, noticed I wasn't in bed and thought. Oh it must be Drugs ARE the answer.

She's put up with a lot of stuff like that.

Like the time I pissed on her living room carpet at uni in my sleep.

But that's another story.
(Thu 30th Aug 2007, 13:36, More)

» Sleepwalking

Mmmm..sorry
Being as self obsessed as I am, I didn't read any of the previous posts until afterwards.

I hadn't realised it turned into such carnage.
(Thu 30th Aug 2007, 13:45, More)

» Debt pron

Dopey
At Uni I gradually built up a £2k overdraft, I was in the last year to get grants before the theiving bastards took them away.

Dropped out, no job, thoroughly depressed, ignored regular letters from Barclays 'we are total cunts' Bank.


Eventually the amount went to a debt collector, when I finally did get a job I had to pay back £180 a month, but I didn't get charged ANY interest!

Ha ha ha. I think.

Twats.
(Sat 25th Nov 2006, 7:46, More)