b3ta.com user NJ
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» Personal Hygiene

The Crusty Jumper
Working at my first law firm, aged 18, I was a quiet little mouse until Claire, who shared an equally filthy sense of humour, started.

One morning Claire came into the office in a black polo-neck jumper. As I followed her down the corridor I couldn't help but ask "What is that big white stain on the back of your jumper?" She then remembered, in horror, that her boyfriend had pulled it out of the laundry basket the previous night, wiped his cock on it and put it back. Claire, in her haste to get ready for work and with no clean clothes had obviously forgotten. Oh how we laughed.
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 13:15, More)

» We have to talk

This QOTW is a bit spooky as I bumped into the subject of it in Tesco's last night by the spuds and we can actually speak to each other now - how adult we are.

I'd been seeing this guy, Andy, for some time, but in the meantime one of my mates had fixed me up with list long-haired guy with a cute ass (just my type!) so I had to do the old We Have To Talk conversation with poor old Andy.

So we met up, me feeling really sorry for the guy and also terribly guilty, bought the drinks and we had the inevitable conversation. Andy says "NJ, can we please go outside? I need some fresh air". Methinks the guy's going to cry so I do the decent thing and follow him into the pub garden...where the B*stard pours his full pint of Murphys over my head!!! That's right, the Murphys I just crapping well bought for him! I swung for him, but sadly missed, while he went running off down the street laughing at me. I'm doing it over the telephone next time.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 12:02, More)

» Sleepwalking

Selling Bottoms
One night I had a dream that my then boyfriend was a market trader, selling little porcelain models of bottoms. In the dream, it was a rainy day, and trade was poor.
As I opened my eyes and turned to him, my first words were "Bet you haven't sold many bottoms today?"
He took the piss for years.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 10:14, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Shreaded Poo Pants
I once shared a flat with 3 men, with me being the only girl, I ended up buying all of the bog roll for the 4 of us. Needless to say, after a while I got pretty fed up with providing shit tickets for the flat and, ensuring I had my own secret supply, stopped putting it in the bathroom.
Desperate times had obviously called for desperate measures as I returned home from work one day to find a poor plumber digging pieces of poo-covered, ground up boxer shorts from our toilet.
Dirty B*stards.
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 13:47, More)

» Going Too Far

I used to share a flat with what could only be described as a bunny boiling airhead opposite our local pub. Every night she would bring a different guy home in the vain hope that one of them would actually want to take her out on a date after they had done the deed with her. Tired of these guys wearing her bedroom carpet out, she decided to take revenge on one of the pissed conquests who had accidentally left his undies in her bed. So one morning she asked if I'd like to take a walk into town to which I agreed - she armed with a carrier bag and some scissors - I asked no questions as she always had been a bit odd. In the centre of town she took a clothes hanger out of the bag gripping a tired looking snail-trailed pair of keks and proceeded to hang them upon a gateway. Hanging from said boxers was the following note:
"I have lost my owner. Please return me to [insert name of poor bloke]".
Next week through the pub grapevine I heard that his Auntie had found them and taken them home for him. Poor bastard - that was way too far.
(Wed 15th Nov 2006, 11:50, More)
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