» Stupid Dares

shout a swearword at school
Many many years ago, while valiently failing a plethora of GCSE's we had a dare during a class. How loudly can you say the word "bollocks" without getting a detention.

It started very quietly, with the first few whispers, followed by a mumble of said curse.

It escalated up to "cough cough cough BOLLOCKS cough cough" then a sneeze along the lines of "ahh ahhh AHHH CHOOOOOBLLOCKS" blown nose. This left me next, in a bit of a quandry.

so i inhaled.

exhaled

inhaled

and in best Pavarotti style unleashed a

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL OHOHOHOHOOOOOHHHOoooooooOOOOOOOooooohhhHHHhoh HOOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKSAH!"

dissolving a line of children into tears of laughter. luckily the support teacher was deaf as a post and I just about got away with a "what the bloody hell are you doing you noisy little bugger" and being thrown out of the class.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 13:06, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

shall i get the
"for revenge I went postal and shot up a whole college in Virginia motherfuckers!!"

stuff out of the way on page one?
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 15:35, More)

» Get Rich Quick

smoke me a kipper reminds me!!
We were doing a car boot sale the day Di lost an argument with a pillar, and there was loads of gossip about is she dead or not etc etc.

I strolled to the shop to buy a paper to confirm the news that she had indeed died.

We took one look at the Charles and Di wedding plate we were selling that had been studiously ignored all morning, took off the £1 sticker and replaced it with a £20 sticker.

sold within 10 minutes.
(Fri 1st Aug 2008, 13:15, More)

» Pet Peeves

9)
Mawkish sentimentality.

This more than most things in life make me seeth enough to want to shit out my intestines in anger.

For example, the demise of Diana, Princess of Wales, the "Peoples Princess" and the huge wailing and gnashing of teeth in grief the proceeded her death. Jesus fucking christ it was embarrassing, sitting there watching as the general public lined up teary cheeked decreeing her second only to *insert prefered diety here* as the greatest thing that ever existed, how she did soooooo much good to everyone she ever touched or so much as fawned over. ARRGH!

Maddy McCann, would quite happily strangle the parents with the intestines currenty hanging out of my bottom. Dear Mr & Mrs McCann, you are shit parents and entirely responsible for her not being where she should be by your own fucking negligence, blame a film, sue the police, it works for american parents.

A minutes silence on 9/11? right, if you live in America or lost a friend or relative I absolutely agree, but why should some fat cunt in my office in Cambridge lecture me about not respecting this tragedy and the terrible loss! oh fuck off, ok , how many minutes silences have we held for . . . . . .
Dunblane (shooting) Hungerford, Columbine, Omagh, Lockerbie (plane falling on it) Herald of Free Enterprise, Bardford stadium fire, Hillsborough, The Kings cross tube fire, Belsen, Auschwitz Cambodia, etc etc etc ad fucking nauseum.

Why is this one event so important that I have to respect them? hmm? 9000 dead because a couple of crazy fuckers fly a plane into it compared to what Pol Pot did? or Stalingrad in WW11? or Ethnic cleansing in Rwanda, Whats left of Yugoslavia, The killing fields? can't remember ever being asked and expected to stop and pay respect to these frankly awful events in history.

Bah.
(Sat 3rd May 2008, 22:25, More)

» Cringe!

Swearing on National TV?
Fuck Yeah!

So picture the scene, its June 1993 and an 18 year old Heavy Metal Halfy is at the Milton Keynes Bowl to see Metallica, clad in his finest demin patched jacket, roooooooooooock tshirt, jeans and DMs oh yeah! however I had been drinking since before we arrived at lunchtime and im feeling happily squiffy.

There is a gig, we rock out, the only thing I can really remember is copping off with some girl from Didcot and my balls aching enormously on the walk back to the car.

Fast forward a number of years, 2002-3? and I am no longer dressed in Heavy Metal gear. With a zero haircut, heavy bags under the eyes and a stressed out pallid complexion I can now best be described as looking like an Eastern European football hooligan / heroin addict.

slouched in the lounge I spy a music programme on BBC2, oh wow it heavily features the Metallica gig i went to, this was back in the days when metal wasn't maintstream and rarely appeared on TV before midnight.

So there I am chilling out and reminiscing on the good old days when on screen a thin, spotty, greasy, lank haired little lickspittle is shambling towards a tv camera.

"Oh dear god no, thats me!" I exclaim, and start to slide down the sofa, watching the tv through my fingers as the realisation dawns on me on what happens next and memories crash into my brain

On screen this horrible pizzle of a thing lurches up to the camera, presents a twin V salute and in fluent Neanderthal shouts "murggghhhh fffffuuuuuurrrrrrrkkk offf!!" and then staggers off stage left.

I am now behind the sofa rocking backwards and forwards chanting "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck" I reach towards my phone to turn it off and its like an explosion! I am bombarded with texts and calls on how lanky greasy spot spot younger me has just abused the nation and shamed himself into an awful stereotype.

I was red for about a month, and roundly heckled and greeted with twin V's by all of my friends for years, sigh.

so that Ladies and Gentlemen is how I can claim and shame myself to admit I have sworm on national Telly, wooo!


Im not even going to start on the appearance on Win, Lose or Draw with Big Bob Mills and Kris "Yak Yak Yak" Akabusi
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 14:02, More)