b3ta.com user Staffs Giraffe
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» Conned

pRon not for your eyes
First time in a sex shop, perusing the novelty items and staying well clear of the "crucifix sex bench" (with free gimp mask mind!) the owner accosted my companion and i, with a white paper bag in his hands.

"Deal of the week" says he, handing us said paper bag, which appeared to contain two VHS tapes, labelled "fick engel."

Confused we asked of him what these were, his response was "variety tapes mate, bit of everything, but cant sell em no more cos i havent got the boxes, so there you go." Bojangles we thought, free porn!

home we went, and as the only owner of a vhs in the house off i went with the tapes. 3 minutes later there was a loud cry of MY EYES BLARG from my room.

Turns out the first tape was in fact brazillian lady boy porn. Whats on the second? Well let me set the scene. Two blokes, one reading a boating magazine. The other, rather amarously, reaches over and begins to feel the boating magazine mans leg....

We gave the tapes to our mate for his 21st birthday. Who knows where they are now.

The porno gypsy musta had a great laugh at our expense. Deal of the week I THINK NOT!
(Sat 20th Oct 2007, 19:41, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Im a seasoned veteren lifeguard
Any conversation about my job, is guaranteed to take a direction towards poo after about 3 and half minutes of chit chat.

What happens when somebody shits in the pool?

We go fishing! With a big net. its quite an art form being able to bag any sort of poo, sick or bodily excrement. No the pool doesnt get cleared, and yes the chemicals do kill the bacteria.

But you're still swimming in shit. regardless of the fact that the top layer of a poorly turned over pool is just human fat and grease.

(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 18:07, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Back when i was a lad a mars bar cost 25p

fucking inflation
(Tue 26th Jun 2007, 13:46, More)

» Personal Ads

A suggestion
Can i suggest a B3ta personal ads competition?

With some kinda prize, for the ad that gets hit on the most....or something.

Im a lazy underachiever.

Also never meet random single women on the internet they ALWAYS have had a kid or two.
(Sun 16th Sep 2007, 19:47, More)

» * PFFT *

Food/alcohol poisoning
I got in one night after a particular heavy night of bbq food, strongbow, alocpops and neat spirits. Having then devoured my takeaway i was ready for bed

Little did i kno that an hour later id still be awake, writhing in agony from the paralysing bloatedness in my gut.

The next 6 hours i spewed every half hour or so a wonderful array of colours...

Then came the diahorrea and some of the worst smells of my life.

The next three days were a russian roulette of "was i gunna puke? burp? fart? or shit myself?" at every slight gurgle in my stomach. Turns out each time i felt gassy i was going to puke. Only after two days did things settle through my stomach and start coming out the other side. Sounds like an A bomb. there was nothing coming out but each time i had to give it legs to the bathroom just to make sure.

I wonder what my timid housemates thought at the time. then i realised they are bellends and i dont care.
(Sun 15th Jul 2007, 15:22, More)
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