b3ta.com user rollthetroll
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my brother likes to go the extra mile when he offends americans...
...at hat parties. When he blows spliff smoke through the tube it comes out of the windows.

Clicky for biggy
(Tue 24th Jul 2007, 18:10, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Vomit Pt2

Qualifies as worst puke and best puke:
I was on holdiday, I forget where, but somewhere you shouldn't eat the salad.

I ate salad and drank booze one night, and feeling simultaneously queasy and 'loose' I sat on the loo and waited to see what would happen. What happened was dramatic; the world fell out of my poop chute, and the wall of yellow-brown smell that hit me caused me the hurl up the contents of my stomach, which I managed to aim between my legs without a drop touching my inner thigh. Despite contracting painfully at both ends I managed a proud little grin.
(Fri 8th Jan 2010, 12:12, More)

» Pathological Liars

Not a lie in the sense the question was asked, but definitely malicious.
Last summer I worked in Dallas. A girl there told me that American women believe anything we Tommys say as our accent makes us sound educated. Moo hoo ha ha ha!

So I told a ditzy-looking blonde that water in the UK was around 30% wetter that in the US. She seemed to get stuck in a loop in which she went: "really? How can that...? No. That's not... really? How can that...? No. That's not... really? How can that...? No. etc."

Poor lamb couldn't rationalise what I'd said at all, but had to beleive me because of my accent. I had to let her in on the joke before her head popped in an Austin Powers Femmebot style moment.
(Tue 4th Dec 2007, 16:44, More)

» * PFFT *

it was all over in moments
This happened to me last year in specsavers. I was chewing gum when I came to the desk and had a bit too much saliva sloshing around, so when I opened my mouth to talk to the fortysomething lady behind the counter I showered her with spit. After our brief silent, embarrassment paralysis I began my "oh my god I'm SO sorry..." when she laughed, so hard in fact that she farted LOUD, a fantastic honking one that sounded like James Blunt. I get my contacts by lensmail now.
(Sun 15th Jul 2007, 22:53, More)

» Expensive Weekends

I have a thing about German women...
...or more specifically, I have a thing about women who are demure and stern on the outside but racy on the inside. I was in a long distace relationship with a Berlin girl a couple of years ago, when one Sunday morning an episode of Allo Allo came on UK Gold. I can't rememebr the specific joke, but it involved the Gestapo woman having her Nazi uniform ripped off to reveal stockings, suspenders, basque, the works. Next thing I know I'm on a Lufthhansa flight to Berlin, £600 poorer with a return flight the following morning arriving just in-time for work, with plans to live like a poor hermit for the rest of the month. I guess I should have been a Grand Prix mogul, Tory politician, royal family member or something similar.
(Sun 16th May 2010, 19:18, More)