» Spoooky Coincidence

Coincidence, but not spooky
In my capacity as a part time officer of the law, I was called to a domestic disturbance. A brother and sister, whose father had recently passed away, were arguing, mainly about the fact she didn't appreciate all the things her dad had done for her. The brother's top example of this was that he'd arranged for her to come and live in a nice new house in Macclesfield, after she'd been living in 'an absolute shit-hole, the arse-hole of the UK'. His rant about this place went on for several minutes. Just out of curiosity, I asked him where she used to live. Turns out it was Adswood in Stockport.

I live in Adswood. I've just bought a house there.

Can't argue with him though. The brick through our window at 3am on Christmas morning sums it up!
(Thu 15th Feb 2007, 10:31, More)

» When Animals Attack

Spiders
While living in a van in New Zealand, a white-tail spider took up residence in our Toyota Hi-Ace, and bit me in my sleep. It bit me right in the middle of the forehead, leaving a huge lump, which as it subsided revealed a big, funny shaped abscess under the surface. It left a big scar, but not in the shape of a lightning bolt a la Harry Potter...oh no, my scar looks just like a disabled toilet sign. Or, depending on who you talk to, a large breasted woman sitting on the toilet
(Fri 25th Apr 2008, 9:11, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Another car story
The missus used to be a teacher, and had to go with her head of department to see the parents of one of their pupils. HOD brings her two kids (about 4 yrs old) with her, and leaves them in the car while they go in and have tea with the parents. After an hour or so, one of the parents gets a bit concerned about the kids, and offers to go check on them, at which point the mother says "no they'll OK, I left the car door unlocked for them."
Well, that's alright then.

Also, has anyone else noticed how mothers waiting to cross the street will often stick their prams out in an attempt to stop the traffic? This has happened to me several times, and a few months ago I saw a news story about a driver who failed to stop and ran a pram over
(Tue 21st Aug 2007, 11:46, More)

» Ripped Off

Iceland
Me and the missus went on holiday to Iceland. £10 a pint is not uncommon, £8 about average.

Worth it though, we got it on in the Blue Lagoon. Anyone been there? You were swimming in my population paste
(Fri 16th Feb 2007, 15:09, More)

» Ripped Off

Definitely not me. A mate...
This mate is an officer in the army. He was pretty depraved before he joined up...now he takes laminated porn on manoeuvres.

Anyway, for some reason the army saw fit to pay for him to go to Amsterdam. Predictably, he got shit-faced and fancied some action, so he went into one of the booths they (apparently) have over there with a lady of the night. He was far too drunk to perform, and started to fall asleep. She got annoyed at this (I guess because any other punters she picked up would be a bit put off by this snoring, drooling mess sharing the bed) and so she called some kind of security guard who kicked him out. After wandering the streets for hours he finally got back to his hotel. And found that the prostitute or the security guard had relieved him of his wallet, phone, keys and just about everything else he was carrying. He had been well and truly ripped off. I think he deserved it, and so did his girlfriend.

So, desperate for sleep he had to wake up one of his army buddies and confess all so they'd let him crash on their floor. As you can imagine, they were all very undertanding and the incident was never mentioned again.

That last sentence was a lie by the way.
(Fri 16th Feb 2007, 15:03, More)