» Mistaken Identity

That'll turn him
I was once standing at the bar of a sea themed nightclub somewhere in the East Midlands with my housemate, who we'll call Rob, and both of our girlfriends.

This particular bar had one of those little rails you can stand on when you need scream your order in the ear of the barman to be heard over the delusion of grandeur rantings of luminaries such as Chesney Hawks.

As Rob, who is slim with a mane of brown hair and a small goatee, was leaning over the bar some skinhead bloke came up, spanked him on the arse and shouted in a thick Derbyshire drawl 'my mates have just bet me I won't come and talk to you, do you want a drink?' to which Rob replied without turning 'no'.

The skinhead then said 'oh, are you with him?' referring to me (I did actually have my arm round my girlfriend at the time). Rob then stood back and turned to the skinhead with 'look mate....', his sentence didn't need finishing as the look on the skinheads face realising he had just been chatting up a bloke and the belly laughs from his accomplices said all that was needed.

Halfway to scampered back to his little group of National Front posterboys, the skinhead turned and shouted 'fucking queers!'

Apparently the irony was lost on his mates as they seemed to spend the rest of the evening banging back pints of Stella and devising plans to make up pay for 'queering up' their mate.

In hindsight we were lucky to make it out alive.
(Sun 3rd Jun 2007, 16:18, More)

» Voyeurism

'That look'
Many years ago when I was a young whippersnapper with fractionally questionable morals, I'd been going out with my girlfriend for about two years and things had started to get a little strained, so I did what any testosterone fuelled lad would do and proceeded to dip my wick in anything that moved.

I'd met this lovely girl from work and, as my parents were away, decided to take her home. One thing led to another, she was screaming away in the throws of passion, and I smelt a really funny smell, not unlike dog shit.

I looked around and saw the family Jack Russell puppy's arsehole pucking away having just laid what can only be described as a 'dirty protest', the puppy then looked over it's shoulder and held eye contact with me. I knew exactly what it was thinking.

Length? about 3 inches and curly, I had to cover it with an upturned bedroom bin before I could carry on.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 13:50, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Helloooooo!
As a child in the early 80's, every Saturday my mum would always drag me with her to shopping centres to visit BHS, M&S and other such providers of clothing for the middle aged.

Now my mum (and all of her family) has a very strange sense of humour, and particularly liked the fact I was shy and thought she could 'work it out of me'

When were where in a suitably well populated part of the shopping centre she would reach behind me, grab my arm then wave it in the air whilst shouting 'Helloooooo!'

Obvious everyone would look round at me frantically waving my arm in the air. I would usually start to cry. When the people looked away, she'd do it again.

I think her ploy may have worked though, I never hear people say 'He's a little shy' these days, it's usually 'I wish he'd put his clothes back on and get off the mechanical bull'

Thanks mum xxxx
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 14:28, More)

» Unemployed

The wonder of the British education system
I was lucky enough to spend a whole year 'unemployed' whilst writing up my PhD thesis. I seems that the British government in their infinite wisdom decided some time ago to only fund PhDs (and have you registered as a student) for the first three years yet have no punishment if it is not submitted in under four. This means that the vast majority of UK PhDs spend a year signing on, which is brilliant.

This is how it works: you have two weeks to make up some bullshit about ways you've been looking for a job, these can include: reading the newspaper, talking to friends (in the pub?), performing an internet search all that sort of stuff. You can knock that crap out in around 20 mins and spend the rest of the fortnight watching 'homes under the hammer', wanking, and sleeping off hangovers paid for by the government. I really don't know why I bothered to get a job....

Oh yeah, and if they start hassling you about 'new deal' etc. which they do after you've been signing for 6 months you can just not sign on one week, do a 'rapid re-sign' a few days later and be put back to square one! yay!
(Mon 6th Apr 2009, 4:51, More)

» Sleepwalking

Another sleep pissing story
I was gently snoozing on the sofa after collapsing there due to a substantial intake of wobbly leg juice.

At about 5am I was awoken to the gentle sound of running water and could feel little droplets landing on my face.

After sleepily opening my eyes, in the half-light, I could see my housemate Bob, with one hand on the wall, pissing onto the coffee table and 4-way adaptor for the TV.

Obviously slightly alarmed by this sight, I shouted 'Bob what the frick do you think you're doing? you're gonna kill yourself' to which he calmly replied 'noooo, it's fine, I do it all the time'.

He then shook it off, zipped up and staggered off to bed, my 'fight or flight' response kicked in and I ran away to bed.

The next morning (or afternoon I guess), I wandered downstairs to see my other housemate mopping up the 'split water' from the coffee table. I didn't have the heart to tell her what it actually was.

I wish I had, two weeks later, in a similar situation one of my mates awoke to find Bob pissing in the electricity meter cupboard. Obviously his subconscious has some sort of drunken sleepwalking electrocution deathwish
(Sat 25th Aug 2007, 18:20, More)