» Too much information

Tch Parents
So there I was merrily minding my own business when my dear ol' ma comes in teary eyed. Being the caring sort of chap I am (and I am indeed a caring sort of chap) I asked her what was wrong. Turns out it was the back-end of some argument she had had with my step-dad. Anyway it moves on from there and Mum is going through all the things that she is struggling with and them comes out with an absolute corker of:

"we haven't slept together since before we got married and I need sex. I am a sexual woman"

What the heck am I supposed to do with that? That is not what you need over your toast and tea. Thing was, all I did was ask how she was and what was wrong, not for a detailed description of .... that!



Next one was a friend of mine's dad. We had gone back to his at about midnight before he wandered up to mine for all sorts of beer/film/computering activities (nothing weird). We went upstairs where his bedroom was opposite his parent's one. His mum, having opened the door (the muppet forgot his key) had wandered back there in her nightdress and was talking to me about something. My mate asks if she can cover up as its not appropriate cos I am there. His dad, lounging in bed, then replies to this "well I'm not wearing anything" and then pulls back the duvet to reveal that yes, he is in fact wearing nothing. I'm not sure if he expected us not to believe him or something, but there was really no call for visual proof.


Oh, and another mate's dad once enlightened us all round the dinner table that when my mate and sister has been out for the weekend at their grandma's him and his wife had been going at it all the time and that the dog had come in and licked his arse crack. The very same dog that is currently licking my hand.



No comments about length please - my mother might decide its time for another revelation *shudders*
(Fri 7th Sep 2007, 10:42, More)

» * PFFT *

Lies!
Upon meeting my current girlfriend for the first few times, and indeed for the first few months of our relationship, I was determined not to spoil things by breaking wind. She still says that the first time I farted in front of her is the most defining moment of our relationship so far.... but it is not me that the current stories revolve around.

So far there have been 2 incidents. Firstly, upon climbing into bed with her one night, I was relaxed and sleepy. Until, that is, I lifted the corner of the duvet and unleashed a stench to rival Satan's burps. I waited for the giggle signifying she was awake, but it was not forthcoming. Apparently, my girlfriend had 'dutch-ovened' me while she was asleep. I was not sure whether to be proud of her or vomit due to the stench.

The other story is not as exciting but would be rated 18. Simply put, she did not fanny fart during a climatic moment but truly arse farted. Really can kill a moment that, not helped by the fact that I nearly wet myself laughing.

No apologies for length I am afraid, the longer the funnier.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 21:46, More)

» Sleepwalking

*Snore*
Just a couple of stories somewhat in the vein of some others.

A friend of mine showed me a text message she sent once. It went something like this "Hey, i'm ok. Just got back abdnfuew hroejhoiw jieoq8384an from work and i'm pretty tired". Turns out she had fallen asleep momentarily while texting and her thumb had merrily continued poking buttons until she woke up again and continued where she left off.

My girlfriends family are notorious sleepwalkers and talkers. The only one that sticks in my mind is the time her younger sister was thumping about upstairs and as her dad came upstairs to see what the fuss was promptly decided to throw herself down the stairs. Cue one very surprised and relieved father and one extremely comatose girl.

I must confess that my girlfriend and I engage upon sleeptalking almost nightly. Usually involves one comment of absolute arse followed by the other person commenting about how the talking person is really asleep. However every so often it happens simultaneously. One time I called out "quickly we must repaint the ceiling with memories" (I was dreaming I was painting the Sistine Chapel of all places) to which my girlfriend replies "no we cant they are not good enough and no-one else will understand". At this point we both came to, being aware something very strange had transpired...

Length? Enough to put you to sleep.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 1:28, More)

» Too much information

I think I have a broken TMI switch
I am known among my friends for generally being a veritable lump of TMI - the person who always chats about bodily fluids while eating failing to notice everyone pushing their plates away. I think I have also broken my girlfriend's TMI switch as well; probably when I left the mother of all shites in the toilet, described it as having passed Arizona and invited her to look. Now, she declined this, but went to the toilet about 30mins later to discover more than enough still remaining in the bowl (the bugger wouldnt flush!). Since then she always asks whether I have passed another randomly-selected state. It seems normal now.

Anyway, onto the actual story. Again its more of an video than a discussion. Had a couple of mates round, not much really going on, had a couple of beers, thought we would sling on some porn. Me and one of my mates are giggling like girls at the general behaviour of the people in said porn when we spotted that my other mate (who had moved the duvet lying on the sofa over him cos he was cold) was ..... well, fidgeting. We watched him solid in a state of shock before descending into complete hysterics. My mate didn't really notice and when he did turn round to see what was up he carried on with his "self-bonding". Eventually I had to turn the porn off to make him stop. He still very vigorously maintains he wasn't doing anything.

Thinking about it, it is slightly a guilty secret because when I told my gf about it, and expecting her to laugh, she just said "so there were 3 blokes watching porn and one of you was masturbating while the other 2 looked on. Sounds a bit gay my love". And yes, on reflection, it does sound very gay. But I can assure you it was not. Really seriously not.

No apologies for length as he still maintains he wasn't doing a thing.
(Tue 11th Sep 2007, 9:44, More)

» Dumb things you've done

Stupidy + Girlfriend = Whoops
Sort of a 3-part uber stupidity week really:

Part 1:
I invited my (still current) gf to a bar crawl some friends of mine were having at uni. However, I immediately realised I wasn't sure if it was really appropriate for her to be there. Cue a week wracked with guilt as Friday night approaches until...

Part 2:
She checks one final time what is going on that night (I had omitted to tell her hoping she would forget) and I have a huge pause (easily big enough to swallow a polar bear whole regardless of the size of his feet) while going "erm, well you see....ah....the....erm. Well...". She, being the perceptive person she is, immediately clocked on and asked "You do still want me to come?"...

Part 3:
Yes, that is right. When she asked the above question I said "Erm. Well, sort of yes and not really".

Her - "Well what do you mean by that? It sounds like you don't want me to come?"

Me - "That would be about the size of it yes."


I'm still not sure who is more stupid - me for doing all of that or her for not getting shot of me while she still had a legitimate excuse. Fortunately for me she didn't. Worst thing was, a lot of people at the bar crawl were asking where she was.

*Edit: a couple of people have since asked why it wasn't appropriate for her to be. Unfortunately there is no actual answer to this as there it was entirely appropriate for her to be there. Not my brightest week :-S*
(Sat 22nd Dec 2007, 10:36, More)