b3ta.com user maggotriddendirtbox
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» Guilty Laughs

. . .
Back in t'day when I was a gainfully employed contributing member of society, I would spend my day assessing, and once in a blue moon, actually treating people on a general rehab ward.

One lady I had begun (began?) to assess was a 60something lady who'd had a stroke (easy!) affecting her right side. Quite commonly found in these right hemi's can be speech difficulties (to do with the part of the left side of the brain which 'does' speech and language).
The lady in question had not only been so lucky as to be afflicted with a very dense right sided-weakness, but also with significant aphasia (generally: impairment of language) and if I'm not mistaken, quite likely some dyspraxia also, both with her speech and also apparent within function.
She was a very social person prior to her stroke, very chatty, a real sweetie, and very proper so you can imagine (can you? go on, try) how frustrating it probably was for her to all of a sudden be rendered speechless and pretty much dependent. Literally.
And not for lack of trying.

I can't recall the exact assessment, but it was at her bedside (you know how ultimate soundproofed those areas are once you pull the curtains round for 'privacy') and I recall her trying really fucking hard to tell me something.

"c-c-c-c-c-c-c . . . "

I wait. She is clearly trying to get it out but perseverating, and I know its rude to try and second guess constantly. I'll only let someone struggle for so long.

"c-c-c-c-C-C-C-C . . . "

I'm trying to make sure my face is wearing the appropriate expression of patience and encouragement

"C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C- CUNT!"

That poor lady. And yes, I'm professional, so I didn't laugh in her face, but my god it was hard to keep my face straight.
For all I know, she was telling me what she thought of me.
(Tue 27th Jul 2010, 8:25, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Yeah . . . right
Most days, in the course of gainful employment, I get mistaken for someone who gives a shit
(Tue 5th Jun 2007, 20:15, More)

» Conversation Killers

If people don't reply to these posts
Does it mean they've answered the qotw properly?
(Fri 13th May 2011, 22:13, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Most traumatic hurl I can remember recently
. . . does not involve tales of booze and sex excesses, but a stomach bug. Sorry. Boring, I know. Stop reading here if you like.

I used to enjoy a nice cup of Milo before I went to bed, and had got into the habit of adding a marshmallow or two to the drink. Mmmmmn, I love the shmallows (no I'm not over 60)
Until the night of the 'tummybug', when I'd indulged in a few too many of the shmallows, both in the drink and during the making of(ok I lied about the lack of excess).

Think of the texture of melted marshmallow.
Think of the texture of it in your stomach, wanting to defy gravity.
Think of how it must feel, using pukepower alone, to try and unpeel these oysterythings that seem to have superglued themselves to your stomach wall.
Think of ribbons of semi-solid puke, exiting through nose and mouth, with a binder of pure sugar and bile, and accompanied by a tasty frothy malty chaser.
Not a single retch job, put it this way, it went on for about 10 mins.
God how my guts ached after that one.

And then I got the shits.
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 23:38, More)

» Schadenfreude

NOT a carefully thought out post

(although is it me or is this running REALLY slowly?)

This clip has been on my desktop for months plus, (got it in an email originally) and NEVER fails to make rofls fall out.
(Mon 21st Dec 2009, 19:43, More)
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