b3ta.com user Evilsquirrelboy
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» Terrible Parenting

hidden present
Father, being as inebriated as a boiled owl, was unable to drive my mother and I back from the pub. Mother, therefore, lovingly placed her 9 month old baby in the back with his drunken father. The drive, uneventful and suspiciously quiet, was over very soon. Back at the house mother removed her baby from the back seat and proceeded into the house. The texture of the baby-grow all-in-one suit with front zip was somewhat different, she thought. On inspection, she found that it had been used as a sick bag - a deposit had been made and concealed by zipping in up again. Father slept in the car that night.
(Sat 18th Aug 2007, 6:47, More)

» God

Captain Jesus to the rescue!
When I were a wee tot of about 4 years old, I ran dangerously into a busy road to get to the other side. My mother, aghast with fear and anger, quizzed me, 'Why did you just do that?'
'Because Jesus saves little children', I said with the dumb confidence of a small unknowing child.
Sunday school stopped from then on.
(Mon 23rd Mar 2009, 1:55, More)

» Unemployed


The hours are great!


The pay is shit!
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 3:30, More)

» Sleepwalking

I am told by my parents, usually at family or social gatherings, that I sleep-walk-toileted into my wardrobe full of clean clothes. My defense is that the clothes were from C&A.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 4:18, More)

» Hypocrisy

Let it be known that...
I command a deep respect and admiration from my devout followers all around the world. My actions and words are comforting and reassuring to those who share with me the beliefs of the One True Vision and Goal.

One time during a visit to one of the oases of truth in the desert of disbelief I was questioned by an opponent in relation to my wholly wholesome extra-curricular activities in a more colourful district.

"Behold!" said the jealous minion.
"He drinks alcohol in total disregard of The Way!"

Of course my activites were part of a trial that He chose for me and I answered forthright with confidence and ease.

"Do not question me! For my actions are those destined in the Plan. The liquid of which you speak simply turned to water at the touch of my lips!"

"Oh!" said he.
"Well, that's alright then, isn't it."

"Yes, it is, my little one." I said.
(Thu 26th Feb 2009, 2:45, More)
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