b3ta.com user Shedside
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This is me:
but I have bigger tits

All-Purpose Vanity URL

Things that didn't frontpage but bloody well should have:
mumble, moan, whinge, throw toys out of the pram...

Made 9 Oct 2002
The Grand Vizier Kitenptah makes a realisation that was to revolutionise the fledgeling industry of pyramid construction.

Recent front page messages:

I am so very sorry.
The ear amuses me more than the joke.
(Tue 18th Feb 2003, 12:53, More)

A Babbling Brook
A moistened Roly Birkin
(Tue 28th Jan 2003, 10:32, More)

MC Escher
If someone's done this before, they couldn't spell 'escher'
(Thu 7th Nov 2002, 12:27, More)

Oh Edward, the diner just wouldn't be the same without you.
edited for size
With thanks to Artamnesia
(Thu 17th Oct 2002, 11:12, More)

Run! Run for your lives! And your sanity!
Well, I'm scared
The link to the original The Fear in the kit is broken, so this is just a sketch. Hence: it's even shiter than it would have been.
(Fri 11th Oct 2002, 13:29, More)

The Great Pyramid's Secret
Should have done this last week, shouldn't I?
(Wed 25th Sep 2002, 7:51, More)

Top Tramps
Took me bloody ages, this did...
(Tue 3rd Sep 2002, 18:32, More)

Best answers to questions:

» World's Sickest Joke

so very very long
A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the Little Chef attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.

Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself: he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.

He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

The leper is a little taken aback, "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave."

"No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry." And so he hunches further over his meal.

But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.

"For the love of all that's holy!"

"OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am."

"No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise."

But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.

"The baby Jesus sucking cock!"

"Right, that's it." The leper gets up to leave.

"No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"
(Sat 4th Feb 2006, 18:01, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Sue Perkins' Bobble Hat
In January 1998, I was in the audience for Light Lunch. As afficionados of the show will be aware, one segment involves one of the hosts (either Mel or Sue) coming into the audience to examine what a couple of them have brought in to eat during filming. I'd brought "a Millennium Dome cake for Sue to smash in a fit of pique", and said pounding of fists on brownie was included in the show. As part of a skit earlier in the programme, Sue was wearing a green bobble hat which at the end of the cake-destruction she put on my head. I kept it, like a desperate, wide-eyed, stalking wanker.
(Mon 8th Nov 2004, 13:53, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

speaking of "snapping the banjo" (see below)...
Many years ago, my frenulum got caught in between a girlfriend's lower front-teeth. I actually felt the snap, and the sensation of my foreskin suddenly becoming somewhat more retractable than I'd previously known it to be, before the sudden rush of lustlessness and a squeamishly light-headed cradling of my bloodied, wounded cock.

The following morning, during a hastily-booked medical centre appointment to reassure myself that no serious damage had been caused, the doctor evidently didn't understand the meaning of the phrase "blow job" (despite this being a University) and suggested that next time I might like to use some lubricant "if the lady wasn't entirely ready". Faced with this startling nugget of advice, I really didn't know quite how to put him straight, choosing instead to quietly sympathise with the guy's evidently foreplay-impoverished wife.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 17:14, More)

» Slang Survey

My missus works as a teacher in a South London boys' comp, so this has genuine classroom etymology. I gather it means "made to feel like a little boy", as in "aaah, Miss boyed you!" consequent to an Exercise Of Discipline.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 13:08, More)