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» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Epic paedophail...
London Pride, 2007. I've been drinking since fairly early in the morning and the day's festivities are wearing on. A cute girl sidles up to me at the bar, nudges me and says "hey, could you get me a drink? I would but I've lost my ID..."
No alarm bells at this point. Oh dear.
"Sure, if you give me a kiss..."
So drinks are bought and saliva is exchanged. Only then do I hear what I assume was her mum storming up behind us, shouting at the top of her voice: "WHAT THE BLOODY FOOK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, BUYING HER A DRINK?! SHE'S FOOKING THIRTEEN!"


Oh my god.
I take my rainbow-flag off my back (too distinguishable in a crowd), gather my wits and peg it. My mates have seen the whole thing, and are pissing themselves, of course.
(Fri 5th Dec 2008, 11:45, More)

» Sleepwalking

Last night...
I dreamed I was seeing a big, surly gang beat up a nerd, at college. So I dived in, started pulling the ringleader's hair hard and bit him on the soft, fleshy underarm.

However, in real life I bit Mrs Mofo's breast, very hard, waking us both up and dissolving me into fits of giggles. There are very fetching teethmarks now.

(first post, hi!)
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 12:45, More)

» Cringe!

I worked in the local "all American" diner all summer...
It was by and large a great laugh, messing about, seeing how much stealing of cutlery, puddings, tips, each other's girlfriends etc we could get away with.

We were a great team, but there was one waitress with whom I never quite saw eye to eye. Her name was Em, she'd come over from Dubai or somewhere equally hot and posh in order to improve her English, and it was clear that she thought mere kitchen work was below her.

Eventually, her snubs of work nights out and conceited comments even got on the nerves of the supervisor, who (with my help, I'm ashamed to say) devised a brilliant plan to bring this girl down a peg or two: he composed an awful radio-style jingle, all about the steak deals we had on that week, and one day announced to the whole kitchen that one very special person would be taken off their normal duties...
*her eyes lit up, and she edged towards the front, teeth gleaming in a winning smile*
...to stand in the square outside, between 5 and 7 every day, and proclaim to the town about the 2 for 1 platters.
By then it was too late to save her dignity. I still feel a little twinge of sympathy for her though, every time I think of having to sit there and watch Em Baraz sing "My Steaks".

(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 16:20, More)

» Festivals

Give It A Name, 2007
Mere months before the indoor smoking ban was brought about. Sob, sniff.

Clearly the shit emo lineup, abundance of witless 12-16 year olds and non-camping indoor venue (Earls Court) needed a bit of herbal excitement, so I decided to pre-roll on my mate's hotel room floor. When we got there, a massive, intimidating rasta-ish security guard insisted on searching all our bags and pockets, even confiscating my sodding bouncy ball for fuck's sake! Oh god, silly me, it could have someone's eye out.
But what he did next made it all better... he opened my glasses case, saw the fruits of my efforts, tipped a wink and put it back in my bag.

Thank you, sir.
(Mon 8th Jun 2009, 20:17, More)

» Advice from Old People

When I were a wee nipper...
I was walking down the street and saw an old man furiously fwapping off into a magazine in a shady corner. When he saw me, he jumped a mile, dropped the mag and ran off into the distance. I picked up said publication and was disgusted to find it contained pictures of Downs Syndrome sufferers in compromising poses. Despite the disgusting nature of the material, I had to admire the lighting and composure of the shots. I took the magazine home and still have it to this day.

That was the best tard vice I ever got from an old person.

(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 17:03, More)
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