» Too much information

kidney stone
A guy I used to work with had been suffering with a kidney stone for a couple of months - really gave him some agro down his ones side.

One day he came in and started to tell me how he had finally gotten rid of it - I was stupid to ask how. He says the evening before it must have moved and finally blocked his piss pipes. Rang the doctor who told him not to worry, just keep drinking lots of water to help 'ease it along'. He said an hour later he was in tears. Desperate to go but only a mild dribble of bloody urine. Finally he said he could take no more - its the final push lads!

After an initial spurt the flow suddenly stopped abruptly. The stone had got trapped near the end of his old chap. The trouble was there was now about 5 pints of fluid all pressing into his old boy at such force it started expanding...and expanding. He said at the moment it resembled a rugby ball (seriously!) he started screaming at which point his wife came rushing in to see what the problem was. The stone now tore out of the end with a gush of blood and urine, ricocheted off the toilet and whistled past his wifes face. He was left in a ball on the toilet floor sobbing with relief and a now somewhat shrivelled member.
I don't know what my face must have looked like, but I was wincing and sitting cross legged. He then produced a bag and asked if i'd like to see it - I left the room at this point.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 12:22, More)

» Desperate Times

Hard rockin
Another toilet confession i'm afraid.
As a stinky student in Liverpool I had eaten something dodgy and received a nice case of food poisoning. Following a weeks confinement I started to feel like I could finally make it out - even got my appetite back which must show things had 'left the building' for good. We went out and visited a local rock pub/club and having had a few ales decided on one of their tasty and highly nutritious pizza's that they served from a hole in the wall near the toilets! Well after a week of barely eating and a few beers it was like mana from heaven.
Lets just say that about an hour later came the initial contractions and labour pains. The waters hadn't broken but it was definately on the way.
I scampered to toilets to find what wasn't too disimilar to the toilet in train spotting - no bog roll or lock on the door and a crowd of rockers all milling around the urinals.
It was too much to bare though, I had to get into a position that would 'aim' at the toilet and also keep the door shut before spraying a hefty cloud of rusty water (with the odd chunk) in the general direction of the bog. Within seconds I had attracted the attention of the rockers who were now listening intently to the howling whistle and splattering that was sounding from my cherry bomb exhaust. If it hadn't been the sheer relief I would have been quite scared. Fortunately the CS gas like vapour zone that had now been created was quickly dispersing the rockers. I then had to wipe up by using an old kcf napkin I had in my jeans pocket and make a quick exit trying to look nonchalant, while walking with a slight mince to avoid moist cheek chaffing.
To his credit the taxi driver home didn't say anything but I think he needed to buy a new magic tree air freshner the next day.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 8:50, More)

» Sleepwalking

Jimmy Riddle
Someone I know has a habit of getting up in the night and pissing in the strangest places. Once he pissed on his stereo only to try turning it on in the morning and hearing a fizz, bang and noticing it still dripping out of the back. He also came downstairs one morning to find the cushion of the armchair lifted (like a toilet seat would be) and a large stain slowly spreading across the upholstery.
The funniest was when he told me he was rudely awakened while pissing on his dad! I think his old man was probably justified though.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 8:39, More)

» Phobias

Clowns
But only ones that are covered in their own excrement and run towards you screaming whilst bringing themselves off with a dead weasel.
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 18:38, More)

» Shoplifting

When I was at school
we had a local corner shop that we called Ramjam's (it was Birmingham in the early 80's, we were 13 and really very un'pc, what can I say).
Every lunch time was a competition to see who could come out with the most filthy loot, with additional points for cumbersome and large items.
Following the loss of a cheap plastic tennis set they decided to only allow 3 school kids in at a time and put a 'minder' on the door.
This just upped the ante, and although plastic tennis sets were now out of the equation, over the following years we managed to free them of many packets of pickled onion monster munch, space raiders and assorted bubble gum.
The one confectionary to avoid the clutches of my wank spanners was sherbet dips - too high on the shelf. A few attempts at a quick 'up sleeve' technique, but the packets were too wide to fit up my blazer.
My failure will haunt me forever.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 12:12, More)