» Desperate Times

Lego
The lowest I sunk during my early teenage years was an attempt to build a wanking machine out of lego.

This was long before I had the slightest chance of experiencing a woman's touch, yet I was desperate to fulfil that need.

It was an ultimately unsuccessful, but nonetheless interesting, engineering challenge. A number of years later I achieved a noble B in GCSE design and technology for a poorly realised carrying case. I should think that a working wanking machine would have been well worth an A.

Fortunately, in hindsight, I didn't have any Meccano...
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 1:10, More)

» Asking people out

Stevo
I've known Stevo for years. A perfectly nice chap, but calling him stupid would be like describing Usain Bolt as being fairly quick on his feet. Stevo's distinct lack of any discernible intelligence and his utterly credulous nature have always been a rich source of entertainment. However, we (his friends) try not to take the piss too much these days because we're sensible grown-ups and above all that...

Most of the time, though, it happens completely by accident. Of relevance to this week's QOTW a mutual friend, Sarah (lots of fun, pretty, very cheeky, yes I have), was recounting her previous night's escapades to Stevo and myself. These had culminated in a blizzard of plaster falling from her downstairs neighbour's ceiling thanks to the enthusiastic attentions of the nice young man she had managed to snare in the student's union. Her chat-up line, so she informed us, was the classic: (points to bloke's face) "Is anyone sitting there?"

We laughed and conversation moved on.

Next time in the union, Stevo and I were chatting (or drunkenly shouting nonsense at each other) at the bar when he interrupted our conversation, leaned across to a girl who had just been served and pointed to her face...

I tried to explain what had gone wrong to him as he dried himself off in the gents.
(Mon 14th Dec 2009, 22:12, More)

» Customers from Hell

Difficult Cuntstomers.
Once worked for a McDonalds. Like several umpty billion other students. Anyway, during one of my last shifts for the fucking awful place, about 10pm(ish) some woman wanders up to my till and asks for something which involves fries. Can't for the life of me remember what else she wanted although I do recall the miserable bitch was quite fuckable, but she had clearly had a shit day and was looking to take it out on someone. Cue, your's truly.

Anyway, I assembled her meal and upon asking for payment she claimed that I had handled her bloody fries with my fingers. Now (a) there is a perfectly servicable fry scoop for sticking their manky chips into a bag and (b) well, there is no (b) because (a) is such a bloody good argument. I made this point, she had none of it, and being quite a nice person I decided to cook her a nice fresh load of fries and made a deliberate show in front of her of scooping up her fries without a single bit of soya and shite ever approaching my fingers.

Well, once again and now spectacularly unbelievably she claimed I had man-handled her sodding chips into the bag. So, I asked the manager to deal with her and fucked off.

So, awkward fucking woman in McDonalds, L/Spa about 11 years ago... I am now a NASA astrophysicist, and you are probably still a difficult cow moaning about a bag of shitty chips in your local chav eatery. Fuck you and fuck off, etc.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 3:04, More)

» Food sabotage

Party games
Not one of mine, however...

One of my mates told me about some aquaintances at his old uni who used to liven up house parties by playing an amusing little game they liked to call 'hide the poo'.

As the name suggests one would avail themselves of the host's facilities, or possibly bring along one they had sculpted earlier, and then use all of their creativity, ingenuity and cunning to hide their log somewhere about the house.

The rules: the owner of the last poo to be discovered is the winner.

Usually they were found in pretty short order as the participants were always pissed and put them in crap hiding places (pun indeed intended). Anyway, part of the fun(?) was that they were supposed to be found during the party. Ideally by the unsuspecting.

At the end of one party, however, a single poo lay undiscovered and remained so for several days.

When pressed as to where he had concealed it the lad would not say, but it's hiding place was eventually revealed...

In a fit of genius he had lifted a tub of margarine from the fridge, emptied it out and placed his offering inside, put the margarine on top and returned the tub to the fridge.

It took several mornings of toast for breakfast before before the final poo was discovered!
(Mon 22nd Sep 2008, 12:14, More)

» Schadenfreude

Refusing help
It's been snowing like nobody's business here on the east coast of the US and this afternoon the wife and I thought we'd go for a little stroll. The roads have been ploughed but it's coming down so heavily that after half an hour or so they're absolutely covered again. We spied a copper driving along, sirens blaring and lights blazing, and not another soul on the road. The old Bill over here aren't capable of doing anything inconspicuously. As we continued to watch he rewarded us with the very great pleasure of seeing him turn right and drive straight into a snow drift, becoming well and truly stuck.

A few civic minded folks had wandered over to offer a push, and we were about to do so ourselves as well, when he wound down his window and angrily told everyone to 'step back onto the sidewalk'. We collectively shrugged, one or two were heard to utter 'jerk', and he was left to his own devices.

Still there 10 minutes later, with the scent of burning clutch lingering in the frosty air, he had finally grasped the insurmountable nature of his predicament and deigned to allow others to help.

The ones who weren't still in hysterics.
(Sat 19th Dec 2009, 22:18, More)