» Sleepwalking

Pop goes the cherry...
I've done several odd things over the years in my sleep.

When I was about 15 I went to get my girlfriend out of the room where my parents were guarding her to stop me shagging her. I knew I had to be quiet as they would be furious if they caught me. As I opened the door and tried to make her out in the gloom I heard my dad say "are you ok?" - Shit! I'd been caught , but maybe I could bluff my way out of it... "I can't sleep" I said feeling proud of my cunning. "er - OK. Just go back to bed" he said. I went back to my room cursing them all the way for spoiling my fun. As my head hit the pillow I thought "You wanker, you are sleepwalking."
Much amusement followed the next morning. I lied about what I'd been looking for though. Wouldn't have found her anyway - she was 300 miles away! And if I had found her, she wouldn't have shagged me - she was very holy at the time... what a waste!

A few years later, at college, I was woken up by hammering on the door of the flat - when I dressed and looked out two old dears were there asking if I knew who the blanket in the middle of the corridor belonged to. I knew immediately it was mine, but pretended I didn't. As I has been sleeping bollock naked, I wonder to this day who saw what...

A few years ago I woke up firmly convinced that I'd watched a documentary film about the band UB40 running a "Khmer Rouge" type of psycho army out in the bush of some eastern country. I was absolutely indignant at the idea of these rich rock stars acting like loonies. How Dare They!!!
I had to watch the news for about an hour before I managed to convince myself it had all been a dream... but why the FUCK would I pick UB40???

Length - average, but it's the girth that gets em squealing.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 9:42, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

well its true
I used to work in a team of about 10-12 people.
3 of us had the same name. Mike.
The team lead was Mike, I was using the name, and so was an Kenyan guy working with us.
The team lead was dead small, I'm 6'2 and 20 stone, and the Kenyan guy is black.

When someone was sent up to ask us for something they'd usually be told to go as me or the lead... so they'd walk in and say "I need to ask Mike something"
I'd usually shout "The little one, the fat one, or the black one?"

At least you would tell us apart!
(Sun 25th Nov 2007, 18:30, More)

» Abusing freebies

Caught the Senior Management
Our work has security turnstiles you have to slap your badge onto before you can go through. They make a buzz or a ping, and a red or green light appear and you have to go to be searched if you get a red - no big hardship if you are honest (and I am). But in the old days they used to let you through whether or not you got a red light... I caught a senior manager, who I'd long suspected of nicking (cos he was a theiving bastard when he'd worked for me several years earlier before he'd lied on his CV to get the job at our place).
Near Xmas the place is heaving with temps. So one evening as I am chatting to my mate after going through out of the corner of my eye I see this particular twat/manager suddenly shove infront of some gormeless temp, slap his badge down and shove through - BUZZ! Red Light!
Security guard says "Can you go for a search, please?" at which Clive (for it was he who was the robbing toe-rag) says "Wasn't me it was him" pointing at the bemused temp who is still working out how to use the turnstile.
Cue equally gormless guard telling temp to go get searched - well, who was he to believe, temp or senior manager?
Cue robbing twat out of the door with a new mobile in his pocket.

Sadly he'd noticed that I'd seen him and he stitched me up before I could stitch him up. I got off the disiplinary though - he got fired a few months later, never got another job and hung hiimself after his wife threw him out for being a thieving lying wanker... Couldnt have happened to a nicer bloke.

Not exactly on topic, but he was helping himself to the freebies.

Length - eyewatering... well just long enough to keep his feet off the floor.
(Wed 14th Nov 2007, 19:53, More)