b3ta.com user Jem Harley
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"it would be like throwing a pepperami through the front doors of the royal albert hall"

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» Narrow Escapes

When I was about 10
I ran ahead of my dad while we were walking home (as you do) and stopped at a crossing. I pushed the button and waited for the green man. The traffic lights went red, but I was always told to wait for the green man, which I did. After a few seconds, the green man appeared and I took a step into the road. At that moment, a silver Mercedes (I think) whizzed past, catching a toggle on my stylish Le Coq Sportif rain coat. I was shaking with fear, almost shitting my pants. That experience has formed part of my hatred for Mercedes drivers. Thinking about it now, I can only imagine how much of a wanker that driver was.

The cunt...........
(Sun 22nd Aug 2010, 2:36, More)

» The Soundtrack of your Life

I can't choose one
so i'll settle for two.

First is "All Things To All Men" by The Cinematic Orchestra. The tune is really well done and takes be back about 6 months to the best holiday I've ever taken. A field, 4 friends, big bag of chronic and some tents. We stayed up until 9am listening to them and this tune always stands out.

Also, What Makes A Man by City & Color. I remember listening to this tune on my way to my old lifeguarding job. Walking up an epicly long road at 5:30am, the sun began to rise over the houses at the end, and it looked totally awesome. Literally had to stop.
(Mon 1st Feb 2010, 16:23, More)

» Faking it

The best fake i ever did was.....
5 years ago, when i was 12. I had recently gained a step-father, so took it upon myself to teach him a lesson. Me and my "friends" proceeded to graffiti all over his car, after which i took a shit right on his windscreen. It was cold, as it was in the middle of the night, so it began steaming. The worst part of it was that my dumb mates, assuming that because he is of dutch origins he is a nazi, drew swastikas all over his car. The next day he had to escort my mother to a jewish party she was catering for. honest to god, no lies there. The faking it came around the next morning. Upon my return, it was obvious what had happened, but i denied it, and escaped any form of punishment until the truth came out one year later, and they were too tired with it to pursue it. The best part was, he thought it was dog shit on his windscreen. What a lovely child i was to grow up around, as i'm sure my sisters will tell you.
(Wed 16th Jul 2008, 1:44, More)

» PE Lessons

My school
had a rubbish approach to P.E. If you didn't want to do it, you could opt to sit in a classroom for 2 hours doing shit all. Now I actually enjoyed P.E, but there were some days where either you just couldn't be fucked, you forgot your kit, or you and your mates decided you'd have more fun mucking about for 2 hours.

One day, me and two of my mates, along with around 40 other students, went and sat in the D.T workshop (the only place big enough to seat all of us). Now as you can imagine, 2 hours in a virtually unsupervised D.T room was any teenage boys dream come true.

So after the usual practices had been undertaken, i.e. setting other students bags on fire, glueing people to their seats and manipulating various bits of metal in any of the 4 machines, we set upon drawing up the most lewd, disgusting pictures we could, mainly involving the pervy old teacher supposed to be watching us, or any other member of staff.

Once our masterpieces were complete, they were stuck to the many whiteboards at the front of the room using ultra-strength glue. Unfortunately, said pervy teacher woke up before we could finish, and caught us sticking up the last of the art we had drawn. He was hugely unimpressed with our drawings, taking one as evidence to show to our head of year.

We all got in a lot of shit for it, but we all agree it was still the best P.E lesson any of us had ever had.

I always found it strange, though, that our teacher, out of all the possibilities, chose the picture of him fellating one of the janitors while playing the trombone as the picture he handed in.

(Apologies for length, and seemingly off-topic content)
(Mon 23rd Nov 2009, 3:00, More)

» Cringe!

So Many To Choose From....
But I think we'll settle on this one for now.

I work at a swimming pool in Putney, as a Lifeguard, and one day, an angry, Polish colleague comes up to me and tells me to shut the childrens pool at 10 minutes to 3, in case there is a party later.

Not wanting to piss him off more than he already looks, I agree and start clearing people out.

Everyone is complient, except one German woman and her very obese, rather unpleasant looking son. She claims the pool closes at 3 and starts ranting on about how ridiculous the situation is. She asks for the manager.

I tell her I can't get the manager because she is still in the pool, and I can't leave her on her own. She insists, so off I go, coming back some minutes later with my manager.

He tells me that the pool shuts at 3, not 10 to 3, and advises me to apologise, which I do not do.

The fact that I had to help her carry her 'child' down the steps after did not help my cheeks return to normal colour.
(Mon 1st Dec 2008, 21:26, More)
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