» Bastard Colleagues

Chef
When I was 14 I got my first job. I got hired as a kitchen help, so my work consisted of doing the dishes while the restaurant was serving and scrubbing the floors and cleaning the fridge when the kitchen was closed.

At the age of 14 I was still a relatively innocent boy. Suffice it to say little Askew hadn't enjoyed the company of anybody aside from yours truly's right hand. I had also been raised by my mum alone, so I was pretty respectful of women and girls in general.

I showed up for work the first day and was shown to the kitchen, where I met my boss. A man I would only come to know as 'Chef'. 'Chef' was the sort that seemed to prey on corrupting the minds of the young kitchen helps he employed. And he took a particular shine to me., with my innocent blue eyes and hair of blonde.

Anyway, he soon realised that my experience with the fairer sex was non-existent. So the first question upon entering the kitchen would always be: "Did you have a fucking shag yet, or what?" The mood would be set for the rest of the night.

'Chef' delighted in regailing his stories about his wholly inadequate wife. As a woman, she was a complete and utter failure. She couldn't cook. She couldn't clean. She couldn't do anything basically. He was staying with her because apparently, she "can suck a watermelon through a garden hose"

I should include at this point, that if I didn't laugh at his mysogynist and sexist jokes, he would look at me and threaten to make me stay and scrub the floor until he could see his face in it. Knowing that he wasn't fucking kidding, I squeezed out a smile everytime.

I could go into more detail about how he made my working life there miserable, but I think I painted a good picture of what this guy was like by now.

Length? He wouldn't stop talking about it.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 19:29, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Shit story in Germany
A very appropriate place for something involving feces to happen, I suppose..

As it happened, my school organised trips to the film festival in Hückelhoven, Germany every year. I started going when I was in 3rd year, and this particular incident took place when I was in 5th year at the tender age of 17. We'd gone to Hückelhoven with a group of 14 people, a number of which were complete nutters (who might or might not have included me).

One day there were absolutely no films any of us wanted to see, and aside from the films, there was absolutely fuck all to do in the tiny town of Hückelhoven during the day, so we ended up sitting around the square outside the festival hall boring ourselves to death. Cue one of the guys in the group to start telling a story about how he once crapped in a plastic bag in hotel room in Rome, after which he dropped it out of the window, of course either inspiring disgust or hilarity among his audience.

At this point, people starting daring him to outdo his previous feat and suggested he crap into a glass of some sort, and leave it at the busiest point in town. So he did....

He found an empty coca-cola glass, took it to a quiet spot somewhere in the middle of town - not bothering to find a restroom, but I suppose if you're that far gone.. - shat in the glass, an stuck a fluorescent green ice cream spoon it. He then placed it on the edge of a fountain in the middle of town, and took a picture. Nobody around seem to realise that there was a turd on their fountain...

I don't think I was ever so disgusted and amused at the same time..
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 16:05, More)