» Pet Peeves

Football
This will probably force me to incur the wrath of hundreds of football fans but I have to say I hate the game with a passion.

I cannot stand the endless punditry, meaningless conversation, tv coverage and reporting in this country’s media. Often at the expense of what I regard to be much more important/interesting news.

The fans are hostile compared to other sports, the amount of money involved is disgusting and at best our national team is average.

The game has long since lost any form of sportsmanship or sporting endeavour. While I appreciate the game can involve considerable skill, this mostly seems lost amidst the diving and melodramatics.

Even the fact that I'm now in fear of pissing off absolutely everybody with this post makes me angry.

Rant over. Best get my coat.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 14:36, More)

» Advice from Old People

Apologies for the length
but I couldn't agree more with the advice bestowed by Scroobius Pip in 'Thou shalt always kill'. Its pretty much my song of the decade.


Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a paedophile… Some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thall shalt not buy Coca-Cola products. Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you’re done just because you’ve finished your sh*tty little poem or song you self-righteous pr*ck.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna f*cking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.

The Beatles - Were just a band.
Led Zepplin - Just a band.
The Beach Boys - Just a band.
The Sex Pistols - Just a band.
The Clash - Just a band.
Crass - Just a band.
Minor Threat - Just a band.
The Cure - Just a band.
The Smiths - Just a band.
Nirvana - Just a band.
The Pixies - Just a band.
Oasis - Just a band.
Radiohead - Just a band.
Bloc Party - Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band.
The next big thing - JUST A BAND.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.
When I say “he say, she say, we say, make some noise” - kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word “Pheonix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
Thou shalt think for yourselves.
(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 15:13, More)

» Crappy relationships

After another horrible night out ending in an argument
my girlfriend at the time made me sleep on the floor.

I was later awoken by her crouching over me doing a wee on my head in her sleep.

This made me realise that somewhere deep in her subconscious she really hated me. Walked home with wee wee dripping down my face (possibly mixed with tears) and never saw her again!
(Thu 21st Oct 2010, 17:14, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Railway death
While on a train a few years ago with several friends, one of my mates thought he saw the dead body of a "small child wearing a baseball cap". Upon hearing this we of course didn't believe the poor guy. However, seeing the shade of gray he was turning and how visibly distressed he was we began take more notice and suggested he called the police.

To cut a long story short, the police were called and after the railway line was shut down for two and a half hours causing much disruption my mate got a call from sniggering policeman. The 'body of a small child' turned out to be a dead badger next to a plastic carrier bag.

He's never been allowed to forget that one.
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 10:39, More)

» When Animals Attack

Fear the claw...
Last year I was in a pub one bank holiday weekend. Halfway through the evening I noticed the pub had a resident cat which I duely tried to befriend. However, no sooner than I thought I had gained the cat's trust enough to touch it's nose with mine (just something I like to do with cats noses OK)the bloody thing gave me a fierce left hook. This would normally lead me to back off but unfortunately two of its claws had well and truely lodged in my cheek. Cue an agonising minute where I'm desperately trying to prise the two claws out of my face without tearing the crap out of my cheek. All the while the cat is going absolutely apeshit flailing around scratching and biting my arms and face. In the process I knocked over a drink and made a small child cry. Everyone else in the pub just laughed. I still even have a scar to remind me of the event.

Pretty much the only time I've wanted to kick a cat up the chuff.
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 15:48, More)