» Kids

Kids say the darndest things
A friend of mine is a big beefy guy, and he happens to be black. One day, he went down to the grocery store. A kid of about four who was in the store pointed at my friend and said to his father, "Look daddy, it's a big poo!"
(Sat 19th Apr 2008, 7:33, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

When I was a kid
I had this kid's cookbook thing. In this cookbook it had a recipe for something called "Rainbow Milk", which sounded absolutely intriguing. It was basically a glass of milk with a bit of vanilla essence and some food colouring in it.

In my 8-year-old mind, I had visions of milk which was actually made of rainbows and tasted like candy. So I made some. I used a few squirts of blue food colouring initially, and it turned bright blue. Then I used the pink, and that made it a dark purple colour. I was confused as to why the colours seemed to merge, forming a new colour, rather than staying separated like the colours of the rainbow. Undeterred, I added the green food colouring. Now the concoction was a vile brown colour. I was still confused, and tried adding more of the food colouring, but this just made it worse. This was not the Rainbow Milk that I had envisaged by a long shot. But I drank it anyway.

Subsequently, my excreta was the colour of cartoon toxic waste. It was a bright fluorescent green. I wondered if this explained why the water in the sewers in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was bright green.
(Sat 29th Mar 2008, 8:10, More)

» Filth!

My dog
On New Year's Day 1998, my father and I took the dog for a walk at the local park. He was off the leash in the designated area. From a distance we saw him enthusiastically rolling around in something. This is never a good sign so we approached with caution. The smell was unbearable. The park had hosted a New Year's Eve event the night before, and we were 100% sure that the dog had, in fact, rolled around in human shit.

On realising this, Dad was furious and began yelling at the dog. Still unleashed, the dog knew he was in trouble and presumably decided that he'd already done his dash so he might as well have a little fun. He rocketed away from us. He ran up to people and jumped up at them, and they would try to pat him until they realised there was a problem, while we futilely screamed to warn them of the danger from 200m away. He sploshed around in the muddy swamp water. I believe he even picked up a dead bird and ran around with that for a while. It was like some kind of scatological version of 'The Loaded Dog'. The large majority of those that he encountered were probably horrifically hungover. Oh, and did I mentioned that I live in Australia and it was around 30 degrees?

Anyway, Dad did the honours of cleaning it all up. I couldn't pat the bugger for a week afterwards.
(Sun 5th Feb 2012, 11:12, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

My friend
...is a bit of a smartarse, quite frankly. The riposte-ee in question is another friend's girlfriend, who thinks that she is smarter than everyone else. She's always banging on about literature and how none of her friends are very well read, yet if you do attempt to engage her on the subject it often becomes clear that she hasn't actually read very many books. For example, she often enthuses about H.P. Lovecraft yet recently admitted to a friend that she has not actually read any of his works. She also pronounces the word 'protagonist' as 'pro-ta-GOAN-ist'.

She, a law/arts student, recently posted a Facebook status update which said "Time spent preparing for Criminal Procedure: 4.5 days. Time spent studying English lit: 2 hours. Arts degree, this is why nobody takes you seriously." My friend, who has a Master's degree in the Arts field himself, responded, "Then again, you can't even pronounce 'protagonist', so a few more hours probably would not have gone astray."
(Sat 26th Nov 2011, 7:50, More)

» Tactless

I cringe when I think about this one...
My boyfriend had recently started a new job. It was a tradition at his work to have a couple of beers after work on a Friday night, and I was invited to join in.

By the time I arrived, it was just my boyfriend and one of the younger ladies left. She asked how we had met, and I explained that we had met over ICQ (of all things). We had to explain what it was and the whole business of talking to strangers over the internet. This should have clued me in to the fact that she was not the most internet savvy person, but sadly I was oblivious...

In the course of the discussion she ended up asking him, "do you talk to many people over the internet?". Mistaking her shy tone for a certain measure of cheekiness and familiarity, I replied, "Yes, he has certainly seen his fair share of boobs over the internet!" She made an incredibly awkward reply and my boyfriend shot me a murderous look. Not content with this, I followed up with, "Haha, he's kicking my leg now to tell me to shut up!".

I don't think he's ever going to forgive me for it.

P.S. I work in HR and really should know better than to engage in saucy conversations with people I barely know, let alone people with whom there is a working relationship.
(Sun 6th Nov 2011, 8:57, More)