» Tightwads

How do you like them apples?
Many years ago an old friend of mine from uni went round to her new boyfriends house for the first time.

She was a bit peckish and was delighted to see a bowl of lovely green apples.

"Can I have an apple?" she asked.

"of course, 17p please" he replied

My mate laughed, grabbed an apple and proceeded to chomp away..

"No really, 17p please" he said. The fellow was being serious.

She put the apple down and left- and didn't go back- and never paid him for the bite of apple. I ask you- 17p? He had quite clearly 'done the math' on this one.
(Thu 23rd Oct 2008, 19:22, More)

» Stuff I've found

Amateur hardcore porn
Back in my uni days, before digital this and cyber that, me and 2 mates were walking home from lectures one day (or from the pub, whichever sounds more feasible). Halfway home, along a relatively busy road, we walked past an envelope on the pavement. Something caught my eye and I turned around to pick up the envelope. To our shock, joy and amusement it contained about 20 photos, all of a rather portly gent giving his even more portly missus a good seeing to. A few shots also involved a game of hide the wine bottle!

Now these shots had obviously been developed at home, and on closer examination we discovered they had been taken by a third party- shocking stuff! Bear in mind that this was long before the internet- porn in those days consisted of an old copy of Razzle or a third hand copied VHS off one of your mates' big brother.

Anyway, we took these photos home and giggled about them for a long time. They fouund their way into our toilet where all our guests also had a giggle (or possibly vomited, depending upon their constitution) for several months. One day the house was tidied in anticipation of a visit from someone's parents, so we decided it might be a jolly jape to hand the photos into the local police station... so off we toddled. The sergeant behind the counter took our photos, examined them and placed them in a box behind the desk with a completely straight face, which must have been hard when faced with 5 giggling teenage students.

The best part is he handed us a 'found property' slip, containing the immortal words written in his own fair hand - 'found- selection of pornographic photographs'. I still have that piece of paper to this day and it is one of my most prized possesions. After my car. And my house. Alright, it's in a box in the attic. but it makes me giggle and wish I was 18 again. Pre-internet porn- what an age it was.
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 21:33, More)

» Phobias

Bagpuss.
Yes, Bagpuss- the saggy cloth cat from the 70's kids show! Eurgh, it's so hard trying to write about something without picturing it in your mind! It's not just the disgusting fat lazy baggy cat that upsets me- those little mice scurrying round all high-pitched and squeaky-like, and that horrid know-it-all woodpecker- hideous- I'm sure the whole show was designed to scare the living daylight out of children.

Why did it have to go from sepia (creepy enough) to stop-motion? Just wrong wrong wrong.

A few years ago I was happily walking around my local Boots store looking for a suitable present for a friend's kid when I turned around to be faced with a whole aisle of Bagpuss themed goods. I had no idea they were making them, so not only did I have to drop my basket and run out of the shop, I had to endure weeks and weeks of idiots coming in the office happily displaying their new Bagpuss hot water bottle cover/ penholder/ flicknife/ sanitary products etc etc. Eurgh.

I have to go and lie under the shower for a while.

Professer Yaffle my *rse!
(Tue 15th Apr 2008, 18:35, More)

» Best Films Ever

..some more to catch..
Most of my personal classics have been mentioned already, but off the top of my head 'Once were Warriors', 'Aguire, Wrath of God', 'Zatoichi', and 'Saturday night, Sunday Morning' are also worth a few minutes of your time.
(Sat 19th Jul 2008, 13:37, More)

» When Animals Attack

Holy Cow.
First day of a 2 month trip round India- walking through the packed streets of Delhi both scared sh*tless and extrememly excited at the same time.

There's cows everywhere in India, just roaming the streets in a don't give a sh*t manner, calm as hindu cows, er, well thats what they are... thousands of the buggers. Anyway, the skinniest, boniest, most manky cow i've seen in my life stumbled across the street like some sort of zombie beast forcing locals to flee in all directions. It headed sraight towards me and delivered a massive powerful headbutt right to the top of my thigh- had i not had the agility of a chinese gymnast it would have got me right in my nads!!

Now if i'd been in England I would have punched it right in it's bovine mouth and hoofed it in the udders, but I figured when in rome and all that... best not get stoned on my first night (stoned tortured, not stoned high). I had to smile, pretend I'd been blessed, then limp back to the hotel (fleapit) to lie down and come as close to crying as I have since EPMD split up.

I had a bruise the size of a football and was limping all the way to Kerala.

Since my return to the UK I have eaten steak every day- rare!! Karma!

India is still the best place I've ever been. By a long way.
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 18:18, More)