» School Projects

One fine day...
....during a German lesson, aged about 13; we were challenged to write a song (in German) that represented everything that Germany was about. Challenging task as this may have been for such burgeoning minds as ours, we came up trumps with the poorly translated 'Meine Schone Lederhosen' with an accompanying pair of black cardboard 'leather' trousers. Being on the receiving end of detentions for 'intentional racism', I have no qualms in telling everyone that my German teacher had by all accounts appeared in a porn mag, lying in a bath covered in baked beans, and if I can ever find it, I will use it as my profile picture on every social networking site I can find. Stick that up your tomato sauce covered backside, Fraulein, you fat bint.
(Sat 15th Aug 2009, 19:26, More)

» Customers from Hell

Oh, where to begin...
Five years in Ottakar's/ Waterstones gives you a fair insight into the overwhelming fuckwittery of the general public. Especially around Christmas time, when cretinous, monosyllabic in-bred mutants who would never EVER venture into a book shop were it not for the fact that one of their family members has managed to learn to read and has requested whatever the in-vogue True Crime book is that obviously makes you hard by association from reading it. Nuggets of literary ignorance have included:

1. It's my girlfriend's birthday coming up. I'd like to order a first edition of 'To Kill A Mockingbird', please.

2. When is the new Harry Potter out, despite it being national news, us having dedicated an entire corner of the shop to it, and having a sign the size of my flat behind the till.

3."I'd like to return this book, please. It was an unwanted Christmas present." More convincing when it doesn't have 'Merry Christmas, 1995' written in the front of it. In 2006.

4. "I'd like to order a £200 textbook, but I refuse to pay for it upfront. You might stitch me up."

5. "I'd like to buy a dictionary for my daughter. She's not a retard." Congratulations.
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 12:51, More)

» Bizarre habits

Mass Hypocrisy
I've been reading this thinking about how you lot are all a bunch of fucking weirdos and tittering to myself. Up until now anyway. I have an absolutely morbid fear of breathing really heavily when using my iPod (or any portable musical equipment) and looking like a weirdo. So I combat it by either holding my breath as I walk past people who are reasonably close by on the street, or by coughing in a dramatic manner. I'll be buggered if I know why.
(Tue 6th Jul 2010, 17:55, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

This may make me a strange bloke...
...but I've had a thing for Kim Deal since I was wee. Buggered if I know why, as she was never particularly attractive in the first place; and now she's got middle-aged spread, even less so. I still would though. And Tanya Donnelly.
(Fri 6th Nov 2009, 16:39, More)

» Mums

Ma has come out with some treats...
...in her frail old dotage. Bless her, she suffered from manic depression for 16 years (which has incidentally gone since she lost a leg. That's another story), and as a result also suffered from paranoia every now and again. Now, husbandless and sadly lacking someone to give a shit about the trivial pap that Mothers tend to care about, I was constantly on the receiving end of phone calls whilst I was out on the shant/ getting extremely stoned round a mate's. Being the inebriated young upstarts that we were, pretty much anything would make us laugh; so chances were when I received one of the numerous phone calls about the cat having one eye lower than the other or somesuch, my mates would be (in an unrelated manner) laughing in the background.

Now at the time, I owned a Trium mobile phone - the sort of £30 sub-par tossycock that you make do with but has the uncanny knack of sounding like someone sexually molesting a Nintendo Gameboy when it rings - lending it the name of the 'underwater telephone' (told you we laughed at anything). Said phone call is taken, accompanied by group of mates pissing themselves silly at my fruitily aquatic sounding mobile. Sounding extremely fraught and pretty sketchy, the old dear demands to know why my friends are laughing at her. Hushing said friends out of their slightly unjustified apoplexy, I maintain to Ma that they are in fact laughing at my underwater telephone. As the silence was rolling across the room, all you could was her yelling "you don't fool me. I know that's a slang name for genitalia". I'm not sure what was funnier - the fact that she could get it so wrong, or what she thought I was getting up to in my friends' flat that would involve everyone laughing at my cock.
(Mon 15th Feb 2010, 18:48, More)