» I was drunk when I bought this

the only thing i ever buy when i'm drunk...
...A kebab! Eurgh, rubbish indeed. Its a mystery that something that smells so reminiscent of an armpit becomes suddenly so appealing the moment alcohol passes your lips and enters your bloodstream. And to think we trust our so called delicacy with men who don't know the difference between "please wash your hands after urinating" and "please wash your hands with urine while somehow collecting stains which can only be described as car engine oil upon your fetching never been washed uniform"!

But still i eat on...

and on the subject of aquiring, i woke up one morning this year, after a uni night out in bed clutching a 3 foot high metal self-standing ash tray with my friend passed out half on my bed holding a sign which read "The millennium is christ's 2000th birthday worship him here".

We figured it was ours on account of the fact it was out of date!
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 1:29, More)

» Childhood bad taste

A tragic child of the early ninties
Spokey dokeys from kellogs cornflakes spinning and donking around on your bicylcle wheel for the following 8 years, enough said really except for two other words -- shell suit!
(Thu 16th Dec 2004, 1:48, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

i'm not really one for cheating...
because i always say, itso nly cheating if you actually get caught!

i can't remember the last time i actually cheated properly, i cheated on a ex boyfriend but he was on the other side of the world at the time. I once cheated in my 8 times table test at primary school beacuse i couldnt be arsed to think and then passed the tips on to someone else who then got caught! But they didnt grass me up which was fantastic so i got away with it again!

I still consider cheating to get ahead, i mean if i had last year i would be repeating the first year of university and believe me the oppurtunity would have been easy.

But then they always say, you're only cheating yourself, yeah i am, but as long as im the only one who knows it, fuck you all, i win!
(Mon 21st Nov 2005, 10:41, More)

» Fire!

where shall i start
i cant remember when i finally realised i was a pyromaniac but i remember very clearly the path leading to it.

My earliest memory of setting things alight was when i was 6. Mum had gone upstairs to clean the bathroom so i thought would would happen if i took the box of mathces in the utility cupboard and the stack of recycled paper in the office and combined to the two.

What happened was breath taking on several different levels. Filling the sink full of paper and dropping many different matches into it was like magic. The resulting cloud of smoke that enveloped me was the product of a fantastic wall of fire.

As responsible home owners my parents thought that smoke alarms were a worthwhile investment and discipline a needed tool. no tv for a week was their decision, but i need not worry; i had the image of the carnage i had created in my kitchen sink!

My eldest brohter wasnt much better. I was off sick from school with a chest infection when he decided that lighting 45 sparklers in a plastic bin in a wooden conservatory was a good plan. Once again the smoke alarm was put to good use, so was my coughing reflex and unaware to me at the time, so was my sylvanian family bin!

I had a few years of rest after that. Mum hid the mathces and sparklers and generally i wasnt allowed near fires when there was one in my viscinity. I forgot my pyro roots until i made friends with my guys.

Setting fire to each other was the best game. A can of WD40 and a lighter was my personal favourite, it left your leg feelign all warm and toasty!

However one ill-fated new years eve party, after everyone else had retired to bed, myself and my ex-boyfriend took it upon ourselves to make the bon-fire bigger, we'd used all the wood so we searched for other flammable objects. A chair, it melted in about 20 seconds and was never seen again. Next was a bike, we never thought it would burn but the fire was so hot it started to melt the metal. I screamed with joy as i watched it burn.

Finally we found the ultimate object, a big tyre, bigger than the avergae tyre but not too big to burn. We threw it into the flames and watched as a wave of black smoke billowed up into the night sky. What we didnt anticipate was the smoke then billowing into the caravan window a few feet away and waking the occupants up. My we laughed as we watched our friends coughing and spluttering and abandoning the caravan to escape smoke inhalation. I'm not a psycho, its perfecty justfied, i just like to see things burn which is perfect whenever i go camping with my lad mates, because they're all just like me- crazy!
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 10:57, More)