b3ta.com user Caveat Emptor
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» Customers from Hell

Plastic Coppers
oooh, I might just have a couple. This might be a long one...

In my own role as a Blue-Shirt (plastic copper/ CSO/ God help me it may be shite but it's the only way into the Police these days) I have dealt with a few, and it's normally not the ones who get handcuffed who win the Obnoxious Cup(tm).

The following occured when we had a flasher operating in the area, who preyed exclusively on girls aged 0-8 (yep, he flashed an 8 month old baby once)

(1) The mother whose child had seen the man expose himself and do a "white wee":
Mother comes up the following day and mentions that she spotted a suspicious white stain on her daughter's dress last night, could we do some DNA testing?

Fair enough, could be a great help. Mother keeps going however, apparently she wasn't sure if it was an ice cream stain or a man-love stain. Again, fair enough. So we ask when would be a good time to pop round and collect the dress. Which is when mother dearest calls daughter over and points out the stain.


Undecided as to whether this was a dangerous pervert's cum or a fleck of ice-cream, she'd made her daughter wear it into school the next day. (We checked, not only did she have other dresses, but the school doesn't even insist on uniform being worn)

(2) The local shop who calmly told us about a man who'd pulled his trousers and pants down in the middle of the car park, before walking round in circles for a bit and going to squat down in a bush. Did we think it was related to the flasher? Hmmm....maybe...

When did this happen? Oh, two days ago. Did you ring the police? No, we didn't think it was important.

(3) The one bloke I stopped (you know, the one with the 2 page form I fill out before giving you a copy?) in the park taking pictures of the children in the children's playground.
Who then had to be warned he was about to heavily fined for telling me to "Fuck Off".

Who then submitted a formal complaint about me being racist because there is no option for "White:English" on the self-defined ethnicity chart, only "White:British". Yep, the gentleman and I share the same skin colour too.

This next scenario took place during the torrential rains around July last year. Many buildings in our local area flooded (unusual for London), as did the cells, the local Magistrates Court and the dip in the road directly outside the station.

This does not stop individuals attempting to drive through it.

Which (in turn) is why a red VW was now bobbing up and down in the middle of the road. The problem had been exacerbated by other drivers, who although managing to cross the mini-lake, had created enough current to push the stranded car into the way of oncoming traffic.

Adding to the general mayhem, the local electrical substation (whatever they're called) had also flooded... And then the substation caught fire. So, fire, water, electricity, bobbing cars, fantastic.

So there I am, fucking soaked (this was a flash flood, so no time to change into waterproofs before the water had reached knee-height), directing traffic on the next major junction on the road, attempting to communicate via sign-language (and standing in the middle of the road) the age old message "Keep going, do not attempt to drive through me".

Which is why I did NOT appreciate people coming up to me with such lines as:
"I LIVE in that road, I need to get through" - I'm directing TRAFFIC, fucking go for it poppet (note: apparently my colleagues could hear me yelling at the bloke 100m down the road)

"How dare you stop me from parking in that car park" - Sorry sir, the ambulance and fire trucks are using it right now.

And my personal favourite "How do you expect us to get to xxxx if we can't get the bus?"
The problem was that these people would ignore the fact that I was clearly busy, and stand between me and the oncoming traffic. So not only could cars not see me, but I couldn't see the 2 tons of truck-shaped death bearing down on me each time.

*Goes off to drink it all away*
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 0:14, More)

» Workplace Boredom

I'm a plastic copper so...
How do I amuse myself? I laugh at my colleagues:

My newest deputy has been excitedly telling old ladies in the park about how the chalk markings on the pavement are "drug dealers marking prices and territory". Or, as the old lady in question was telling me "I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was kids playing hopscotch".

Same one today was telling me how he'd confiscated a child's mobile phone, used it to call the kid's mother and ordered her to drive down and pick him up immediately. A telling off in front of his pals, being dragged home by a furious mother, and a lifetime's resentment of the police...and the crime? He'd shook up a can of coke and sprayed his mates with it.
(Tue 13th Jan 2009, 0:53, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Back in my uni days...
...so sometime around 2003. I had only just discovered the joys of a broadband connection and unlimited surfing time (oh, the days of evenings-only dial-up!). The world of pr0n lay before me...thehun, kazaa and my trusty tube of vaseline were all I needed.

Until one fateful day, I ran out of vaseline. Now, being a *circumcised* lad, this pretty much rules out any kind of fun to be had. A last-minute resort (pretty japanese teen licking ladyboy ass kind of emergency) was to use a towel, but the friction burns were not the kind of warm fuzzy feeling one wanted.

Soooo...I improvised: shower gel. Now, as some of my fellow pork-jousters may realise, wanking with shower gel *outside* of a shower can be hazardous.

Briefly: If you leave it on overnight, skin starts peeling off.

So what did I do? Tried it again the very next morning.

Shower gel on raw skin? BAD MOVE
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 18:58, More)

» Customers from Hell

Blue Shirts again
Ok...I swear this IS on topic. I, as an employee of a public service am paid by taxes. Which means that everyone (including me and my colleagues) are my customers. That makes sense right?


Colleague CSO comes back into the base with a massive grin pasted across his face, and proudly announces to the packed office that he's just caught two people "Going Equipped".
Given that this particular CSO proves that much of the current public perception of us is dead on, we naturally wanted a few more details. Had he caught two masked men holding crowbars? Or perhaps a gang of hoodies stood outside a bank with a blowtorch?


Apparently he'd been walking along the local park, when he'd spotted a couple in their 70s walking towards him. He was holding a step ladder, she a basket.

He had stopped both of them, called for a patrol car, and tried to have them arrested for going equipped to steal apples from a publicly owned tree.

(postscript: yes, the poor sods who were in the patrol car did apologise to the couple and told him to fuck right off)

*Sweet alcohol eases the pain*
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 12:04, More)

» School Days

Mr Button
Got arrested coming back from Amsterdam with a suitcase full of child pornography. All of a sudden that line of his "Mmm Disraeli, vaseline" made sense...

As he was our science teacher, the kind of cool guy who let us play Doom on the class computers, kept a snake he fed on live mice he bred specially (£2 per mouse if you wanted a pet*) and even kept the cutest boys back for a cup of sweet tea and chat if they felt down....he was also the male authority figure chosen to give us 12 year olds "The Talk"

A few excerpts:

1) No matter where you go to buy your first pack of condoms, your parents WILL walk into the chemist/pub toilet during the transaction.

2) Trying to flush condoms down the toilet will result in floaters. Wrap them in tissue paper to solve.

3) Boys, you may notice that your semen is starting to become darker *shudder*

*When the population became too large, he would swing them by their tails against the side of the desk, before throwing the still-twitching brained mousey corpse into the bin. Awwww.
(Wed 4th Feb 2009, 10:33, More)
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