Plastic Coppers
oooh, I might just have a couple. This might be a long one...

In my own role as a Blue-Shirt (plastic copper/ CSO/ God help me it may be shite but it's the only way into the Police these days) I have dealt with a few, and it's normally not the ones who get handcuffed who win the Obnoxious Cup(tm).

The following occured when we had a flasher operating in the area, who preyed exclusively on girls aged 0-8 (yep, he flashed an 8 month old baby once)

(1) The mother whose child had seen the man expose himself and do a "white wee":
Mother comes up the following day and mentions that she spotted a suspicious white stain on her daughter's dress last night, could we do some DNA testing?

Fair enough, could be a great help. Mother keeps going however, apparently she wasn't sure if it was an ice cream stain or a man-love stain. Again, fair enough. So we ask when would be a good time to pop round and collect the dress. Which is when mother dearest calls daughter over and points out the stain.

Yep.

Undecided as to whether this was a dangerous pervert's cum or a fleck of ice-cream, she'd made her daughter wear it into school the next day. (We checked, not only did she have other dresses, but the school doesn't even insist on uniform being worn)


(2) The local shop who calmly told us about a man who'd pulled his trousers and pants down in the middle of the car park, before walking round in circles for a bit and going to squat down in a bush. Did we think it was related to the flasher? Hmmm....maybe...

When did this happen? Oh, two days ago. Did you ring the police? No, we didn't think it was important.

(3) The one bloke I stopped (you know, the one with the 2 page form I fill out before giving you a copy?) in the park taking pictures of the children in the children's playground.
Who then had to be warned he was about to heavily fined for telling me to "Fuck Off".

Who then submitted a formal complaint about me being racist because there is no option for "White:English" on the self-defined ethnicity chart, only "White:British". Yep, the gentleman and I share the same skin colour too.

This next scenario took place during the torrential rains around July last year. Many buildings in our local area flooded (unusual for London), as did the cells, the local Magistrates Court and the dip in the road directly outside the station.

This does not stop individuals attempting to drive through it.

Which (in turn) is why a red VW was now bobbing up and down in the middle of the road. The problem had been exacerbated by other drivers, who although managing to cross the mini-lake, had created enough current to push the stranded car into the way of oncoming traffic.

Adding to the general mayhem, the local electrical substation (whatever they're called) had also flooded... And then the substation caught fire. So, fire, water, electricity, bobbing cars, fantastic.

So there I am, fucking soaked (this was a flash flood, so no time to change into waterproofs before the water had reached knee-height), directing traffic on the next major junction on the road, attempting to communicate via sign-language (and standing in the middle of the road) the age old message "Keep going, do not attempt to drive through me".

Which is why I did NOT appreciate people coming up to me with such lines as:
"I LIVE in that road, I need to get through" - I'm directing TRAFFIC, fucking go for it poppet (note: apparently my colleagues could hear me yelling at the bloke 100m down the road)

"How dare you stop me from parking in that car park" - Sorry sir, the ambulance and fire trucks are using it right now.

And my personal favourite "How do you expect us to get to xxxx if we can't get the bus?"
The problem was that these people would ignore the fact that I was clearly busy, and stand between me and the oncoming traffic. So not only could cars not see me, but I couldn't see the 2 tons of truck-shaped death bearing down on me each time.

*Goes off to drink it all away*
(Caveat Emptor, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 0:14, 8 replies)

I'm afraid that
ACAB and I have no sympathy whatsoever.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 0:30, closed)

Well I do.
Prolly the most thankless job of all.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 1:59, closed)

God, I thought my lot was shit
I have much respect and sympathy for you sir
(Harleif Skankhammer II was killing time at, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 5:16, closed)

Barry from Eastenders...
has only been a member for 7 days, and has already reached my ignore list. Go Bazza!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 8:38, closed)

you wanted it
you got it.

Anyone who wants a position of control over others, deserves everything that comes with it..
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Thu 11 Sep 2008, 9:00, closed)

What a load of tits...
Just because the guy goes for this job does not mean he is is 'asking for it'. I hope you remember your post when you or anyone you care for needs help from someone like him. Fair play to you Mr Copper bloke, the general public are cunts, and that includes me!
(LadyTramp79 Left a bit, right a bit..., Thu 11 Sep 2008, 9:30, closed)

@Ben
I feel for you mate,

I've just signed up with the specials (not the band) in my area, and this looks like the sort of stuff I'm going to have to do as well...

@Barry and Andy:
Yeah, the idea of the police isn't control it;s to protect and serve and that's what's drilled into you from day 1. If you'd done your homework you;d know that.

Muppets
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 11:32, closed)

Wow, thanks all!
@Fuckarma, you're probably going to have a lot worse...full powers + kit = you'll get the real fucktards :(

Thanks for all the (nice) replies, may need to post a sequel about braindead coppers sometime...
(Caveat Emptor, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 11:44, closed)