» Workplace Boredom

My boss has no sense of humour
I got an official verbal warning for 'unprofessional behviour and putting lives at risk' ...for switching the 'N' and 'M' keys around on his keyboard so he couldn't log into his PC in the morning :P causing IT support to laugh at him.
(Sat 10th Jan 2009, 1:18, More)

» Stuff I've found

I found a dead guy!
At first I was a bit freaked out but it turned out it was the best thing ever! It was on the morning after a mate's stag do and everyone had decided to pick on me instead! Basically leaving me naked and very hungover in this cave!

Anyway, this guy was wrapped in a very warm looking cloth, which I promptly nicked and proceeded to exit the cave and find my way home, only to find a huge crowd of people waiting! The turning point was when some idiot confused me for the dead guy!!! Turns out he was the leader of some kind of fcuked up cult, but he was treated as royaltly so I lapped it up! Sadly he still lived with his parents and his missus was a hooker but you can't have everything!


Length? 2000years give or take :P
(Fri 7th Nov 2008, 4:15, More)

» Food sex

Hell comes in a tub.
Not literally. In fact I apologise as this doesn't even come close to the oyster/fruit pastels of earlier posts!

Ok, so... About 9-10 months ago* I used to live with a couple in a nice newbuild house in Leicestershire. I'd been warned against moving in with a couple as there would probably be (and fucking were) huge rows and lots of awkward moments. Not to mention I was very single at the time and whilst they were two really nice people it was hard not to feel like, well the single one. Also, they were at it like fecking rabbits. Constantly! I work nights and had the joy of returning in the morning to their morning sex, I'd even wake up and start getting ready for work with the ambiance of them two shagging!!

Anyway, the most horrific moment of my time spent with them was one night when they were in the living room watching a movie and I'd gone upstairs to fall asleep to a dvd (I'd only just started nights and found this helps) and suddenly fancied some of this delicious cookie dough ice cream I'd bought.

So I creep downstairs, past the living room, into the kitchen and etc etc ego back upstairs, eat some ice cream and make my way downstairs to put it back in the freezer. Only when I reach the bottom of the stairs I hear the all to familiar squeeks (sadly not from the settee, from her. She makes these really loud, disturbing, high pitched squeeks) and occasional grunts of them copulating like the sweaty spidermonkeys on ecstasy they often were.

Now, do I tread by the living room hoping they don't see me and put the ice cream back in hope of them not hearing me? or do I be a coward and go back upstairs in hope they finish before the ice cream melts?

15 mins later and they're still at it.
I had to eat the whole tub.
It was horrible.

*Yes, they've just had a kid :) Oh, the joy as he updated me on how dialated she was!
(Tue 11th Aug 2009, 4:34, More)

» The Boss

The same boss...
that gave me an official verbal warning for "unproffesional behavior and endangering lives"

for just switching the 'n' and 'm' keys on his keyboard

once said to me,

"I'm NO david Brent!"

...and did the dance.

help me :(
(Fri 19th Jun 2009, 21:55, More)

» Cringe!

mother's day
"What did you buy for mother's day?"

"I didn't, she died when I was young."

"Ah, Sorry..."

Thinks to self: 'I hate awkward silences, let's crack a harmless joke to break it!'

"...well at least you don't have to worry about what presents to buy!"

Oh god...
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 3:19, More)