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- a member for 15 years, 2 months and 6 days
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» Schadenfreude
Superman's Achilles Heel
Doesn’t seem to be limited to just kryptonite. Aged about 12 on a school trip to the Science Museum in London I noticed a boy (4-5 years old) running around in his own little world having a good old time. That was until his mum took her eyes off him. He climbed onto a bench and declared in his loudest, squeakiest voice “I’m superman!!!” Launching himself off the 1ft high bench arms stretched out in front, legs straight back, perfect superman technique. At this point gravity remembered its job and he accelerated towards the solid marble floor. He landed face first with a double thud, oh yes dear reader, one onslaught against the marble floor wasn’t enough so his head bounced, whiplashed back and ‘had at it’ for a second time.
He was out cold for a good 20-30 seconds before the inevitable crying began. I look back on this and still laugh, and I’m sure many of you heartless bastards would have at the time. But I could only visualize the pain and it almost felt as if I had multi face-planted myself. I was so affected that my testicles buggered off to hide up north, it felt more like they were trying to make good an escape through my mouth!
Even though I felt too ill to laugh at the time, I hope you don’t mind my telling of this story as it still makes me chuckle.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 19:09, More)
Superman's Achilles Heel
Doesn’t seem to be limited to just kryptonite. Aged about 12 on a school trip to the Science Museum in London I noticed a boy (4-5 years old) running around in his own little world having a good old time. That was until his mum took her eyes off him. He climbed onto a bench and declared in his loudest, squeakiest voice “I’m superman!!!” Launching himself off the 1ft high bench arms stretched out in front, legs straight back, perfect superman technique. At this point gravity remembered its job and he accelerated towards the solid marble floor. He landed face first with a double thud, oh yes dear reader, one onslaught against the marble floor wasn’t enough so his head bounced, whiplashed back and ‘had at it’ for a second time.
He was out cold for a good 20-30 seconds before the inevitable crying began. I look back on this and still laugh, and I’m sure many of you heartless bastards would have at the time. But I could only visualize the pain and it almost felt as if I had multi face-planted myself. I was so affected that my testicles buggered off to hide up north, it felt more like they were trying to make good an escape through my mouth!
Even though I felt too ill to laugh at the time, I hope you don’t mind my telling of this story as it still makes me chuckle.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 19:09, More)
» Gambling
Childhood Gamling
Back when I was about 9 years old my family decided to splash out on a lavish holiday. What a dream come true!
Surely my parents would plan a holiday of epic proportions. Sun, sand, sea, theme parks and unlimited ice cream! I could barely contain myself.
Alas the destination was finally revealed unto me as GREAT Yarmouth!!!
Enough back-story… on to the gambling. As a part of this no expense spared ‘can barely contain my pre-pubescent (lack-of) happy juice’ experience my dad took me to the arcades and gave me one pound sterling. Breaking this down into a pot of 2p coins I felt like a rich man. A feeling which multiplied with the cascades of coins falling from the hypnotic sliding shelves.
I’m winning dad, look at me I’m fucking winning, aren’t you proud? I must have at least £1.50 by now! In my excitement I had almost emptied my pot, not having the time to reach down to collect the fruits of my labour. I risk a quick glance to evaluate whether I lunge for a handful of coins before its time to insert the next coin.
“What are you doing?” I enquire of the lady playing on the machine next to me. She is bent down fishing around in her tray, with her other hand sneakily pilfering coins from mine next to it. The pikey thieving scum was stealing 2p coins from a child.
Noticing my objection my dad cuts in and confronts the woman, demanding my money back. She handed over about three 2p coins from her overflowing pot and bolted.
And that ladies and gentleman is how I lost a small fortune through gambling.
(Thu 7th May 2009, 15:01, More)
Childhood Gamling
Back when I was about 9 years old my family decided to splash out on a lavish holiday. What a dream come true!
Surely my parents would plan a holiday of epic proportions. Sun, sand, sea, theme parks and unlimited ice cream! I could barely contain myself.
Alas the destination was finally revealed unto me as GREAT Yarmouth!!!
Enough back-story… on to the gambling. As a part of this no expense spared ‘can barely contain my pre-pubescent (lack-of) happy juice’ experience my dad took me to the arcades and gave me one pound sterling. Breaking this down into a pot of 2p coins I felt like a rich man. A feeling which multiplied with the cascades of coins falling from the hypnotic sliding shelves.
I’m winning dad, look at me I’m fucking winning, aren’t you proud? I must have at least £1.50 by now! In my excitement I had almost emptied my pot, not having the time to reach down to collect the fruits of my labour. I risk a quick glance to evaluate whether I lunge for a handful of coins before its time to insert the next coin.
“What are you doing?” I enquire of the lady playing on the machine next to me. She is bent down fishing around in her tray, with her other hand sneakily pilfering coins from mine next to it. The pikey thieving scum was stealing 2p coins from a child.
Noticing my objection my dad cuts in and confronts the woman, demanding my money back. She handed over about three 2p coins from her overflowing pot and bolted.
And that ladies and gentleman is how I lost a small fortune through gambling.
(Thu 7th May 2009, 15:01, More)
» Nativity Plays
I went to a nativity once
It was a few years ago:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there they were, Mary and Joseph looking awfully chuffed with the miraculous baby snuggled up in Mary’s cleavage. They had barely finished cleaning off the placenta and vaginal goo when King Herod smashed down the door. He looked fucking livid, “Bugger, the brat from the prophecy has already been born!” (Yep, he sounded like Hugh Grant)
Joseph had heard of this bastard’s murderous intent towards any newborns so jumped up ready to fight, hoping that Mary could escape with the baby. But Herod quickly had him subdued; Joseph now doubled over had no energy left to resist the brutal assaults of Herod’s 12 inch gnarly wand.
Still unsatisfied King Herod moved on to Mary. She had been unable to escape very far due to the passing of what felt like a small house through a mimsey as tight as... well as tight as the Virgin Mary of course! But her constant whining about pure love and forgiveness was a massive turn-off for Herod. So he dispatched of her with the most almighty pimp slap this world has ever seen.
None of this went down very well with baby Jesus. Herod had just killed his mum (and some random prick pretending to be his dad). He hit Herod with the Holy Flying Head butt. The King’s head exploded and baby Jesus was left with a scar on his forehead for the rest of his life.
He went on to perform many miracles and save the world from eternal evil and darkness, what a nice chap!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think that is pretty much how it happened, I get confused some times.
(Mon 30th Mar 2009, 16:54, More)
I went to a nativity once
It was a few years ago:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there they were, Mary and Joseph looking awfully chuffed with the miraculous baby snuggled up in Mary’s cleavage. They had barely finished cleaning off the placenta and vaginal goo when King Herod smashed down the door. He looked fucking livid, “Bugger, the brat from the prophecy has already been born!” (Yep, he sounded like Hugh Grant)
Joseph had heard of this bastard’s murderous intent towards any newborns so jumped up ready to fight, hoping that Mary could escape with the baby. But Herod quickly had him subdued; Joseph now doubled over had no energy left to resist the brutal assaults of Herod’s 12 inch gnarly wand.
Still unsatisfied King Herod moved on to Mary. She had been unable to escape very far due to the passing of what felt like a small house through a mimsey as tight as... well as tight as the Virgin Mary of course! But her constant whining about pure love and forgiveness was a massive turn-off for Herod. So he dispatched of her with the most almighty pimp slap this world has ever seen.
None of this went down very well with baby Jesus. Herod had just killed his mum (and some random prick pretending to be his dad). He hit Herod with the Holy Flying Head butt. The King’s head exploded and baby Jesus was left with a scar on his forehead for the rest of his life.
He went on to perform many miracles and save the world from eternal evil and darkness, what a nice chap!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think that is pretty much how it happened, I get confused some times.
(Mon 30th Mar 2009, 16:54, More)
» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis
My one and only!
I must admit that I am not very popular with the ladies. Mainly due to my longer then average face, and the odd manner in which I walk. But there was this one, she had that glint in her eye that told me she was up for anything!
I took her for a few romantic walks around the countryside during which time she shared her polo’s with me (I bloomin’ love polo’s), I could really feel our bond growing.
One day I walked into my room and there she was bent over, reaching between her legs and touching herself. She turned her head and smiled at me, noticing my ever hardening love stick she gasped; “Oh my, that’s at least three times larger then anything I have ever seen before!”
I could wait no longer I strode up behind her and enthusiastically plunged my love stick deep into her quivering body. It felt slightly strange and wrong, but this only added to my excitement. Pummelling away, her squeals encouraged me to push ever harder and deeper. Finally I reached my climax, unleashing a bucket load man juice which knocked her to her knees. She gave me the rest of her polo’s (Can this day get any better!!?) and waddled out looking slightly ashamed.
I waited for months for her to return, having never experienced anything like this before or since. I heard rumours that she had died from internal bleeding, but I hope this is not true. I am such a stallion!
(Mon 16th Mar 2009, 13:46, More)
My one and only!
I must admit that I am not very popular with the ladies. Mainly due to my longer then average face, and the odd manner in which I walk. But there was this one, she had that glint in her eye that told me she was up for anything!
I took her for a few romantic walks around the countryside during which time she shared her polo’s with me (I bloomin’ love polo’s), I could really feel our bond growing.
One day I walked into my room and there she was bent over, reaching between her legs and touching herself. She turned her head and smiled at me, noticing my ever hardening love stick she gasped; “Oh my, that’s at least three times larger then anything I have ever seen before!”
I could wait no longer I strode up behind her and enthusiastically plunged my love stick deep into her quivering body. It felt slightly strange and wrong, but this only added to my excitement. Pummelling away, her squeals encouraged me to push ever harder and deeper. Finally I reached my climax, unleashing a bucket load man juice which knocked her to her knees. She gave me the rest of her polo’s (Can this day get any better!!?) and waddled out looking slightly ashamed.
I waited for months for her to return, having never experienced anything like this before or since. I heard rumours that she had died from internal bleeding, but I hope this is not true. I am such a stallion!
(Mon 16th Mar 2009, 13:46, More)