b3ta.com user Hansdown
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» Schadenfreude

Bernard Manning
The only time I laughed at this man was when he died.
(Sat 19th Dec 2009, 20:29, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Eating Piping Hot Food
This seemingly British obsession is mental. You can't taste it. It fucking hurts. It cuts a relaxing evening meal out down to about 20 seconds and it encourages stupid suggestions like, "blow on it" or "take it from round the edge."
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 0:17, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

..in American Bashing
Everyone here seems pretty cool in that the BNP are twats, the Daily Mail is a hate sheet and that racism is just shit. Yet, having a go at the Americans is somehow acceptable. They're often portrayed as loud, arrogant, fat and stupid. It's a big generalisation for 300m+ people, on an opinion, shaped for the majority, by the media. If other nations just saw our telly, in particularly our reality tv, we'd look, well, American. [sic]

Age old argument but if you substituted Paki in for Yank and it sounds a bit yikey, you've probably overstepped the mark.
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 1:06, More)

» My First Experience of the Internet

Jumpin' Jack Flash and Elenor Rigby
I remember as a kid watching this epic film starring Whoopi Goldberg. I thought to myself how amazing it would be to meet people without having to make eye contact and smile at the right times.
Then the call came, Hansdown, we have the internet.
It was going to be my first time on this untamed, mystical beast.
Compuserve was the order of the day and in particular 'chat'.

I rushed over.
The modem made shit fit sounds but I was a kid of the 80s and could handle the weird noises computers made - usually when the game started.

She was Swiss and friendly. I found that out because I hadn't legged it. In classic Alan Partridge style (I was so street) we started talking chocolate bars.
This kind, flirtatious girl offered to send me Toblerone from Switzerland. Well fuck me dead, a gesture of kindness and affection.

Sat in my chair I had lost all composure if I'm honest. I was transformed back to the excited 6 year old who would run around the house like a gurning epileptic just at the prospect of having chips for me tea.

She asked for my address. Crikey, stranger danger? Fuck it!
"I've just stuck the toblerone up me, and now it's in the post" Only the small bar then. Bitch.
Rather like the chocolate delight winging it's way to me, I was crushed.
This wonderful new device, this great opportunity for me to be me and to have real meaningful relationships not founded on abject fear had been torn from me as quickly as it had enticed me. I had entered the land where all the lonely people belong.
(Fri 23rd Mar 2012, 5:33, More)

» The B3TA Detective Agency

Something I've never seen
A black person with down syndrome or an Asian with a pet dog. Baffling.
(Fri 14th Oct 2011, 19:24, More)
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