b3ta.com user Shifty
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hello - don't know why your reading THIS. I very rarely post any thing... You must be very 'special'

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» Awesome Sickies

err - I mean Headache... shit
One fine wednesday evening I went over to my mate Jimmy's and pick up a small amount of the 'erb (back in the day). Next thing I know its daylight and we've been swallowing/sniffing/smoking/drinking everything we can lay our hands on and I'm supposed to drive to work (unlikely). Time for a sickie.

Tried to get hold of several people who would be 'understanding' of my predicament. No Luck.

So I call my boss - no answer - voice mail. I leave the following message:

"Morning Mel - I'm afraid I can't come in today I've got a terrible hangover... I mean headace... ... ...shit.

I'll let you know when I feel better."

and I hang up (this was pre 'to re-record your message'...).

Turns out that she was off ill for the next few days and when she got back all she said was
'Morning Patch - hows the headace'

Oh - and she forwarded the VM to pretty much the entire company.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 12:33, More)

» Corporate Idiocy

Lost phone
Many many years ago I lost my mobile. I was paying for insurance so I went to the shop to report it, they said I needed a reference from the police to be able to report it.

I wandered over to the local plod stop and explained, they wrote down a description of the phone on a clip board, gave me a 'Lost' reference number.

I toddled back to carphonewhorehouse or where ever it was and gave them the number. Some weeks later I got my phone back.


Different phone goes missing, remembering my past experience I wander to the cop shop and request a lost reference as I would need one to raise the insurance claim.

The cop looks at me. I look at him. He looks at me. He says "What are you reporting".

"A lost phone" I reply.

"If there's no crime committed you can't report it!" he claims

"I could last time" I retort

This level of debate has obviously strained him as he falls back to repeating the old "If there hasn't bee a crime" line to everything I say.

SO I pause... look him in the eye... and I say "I'd like to report a stolen phone please"

He rolls his eyes and gets out a crime report form and then stands there with a straight face whilst I, with an even straighter face, provide him with the obviously made up details of the obviously made up crime.

Found my phone down the back of the sofa that afternoon.
(Wed 29th Feb 2012, 15:52, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

I was at a mini-rave on the grounds of the UEA about (ooohhh...) 7 years ago.

Anyway - usual rave things (well - for the time, this was in my pre-mashed-off-my-face-pillmunching-rave-loony-days) were going on. Including hippies whirling firy sticks and things around.

Included in the whirly fire crew was a shortish, prettyish girlie doing fire-poy.

(Firey marshmallows on the ends of chains for those that don't know - all very trippy when you are hammered).

This girl had that extremely tightly curled hair like some girls do, and she was wearing it in the typical "bolt it down with hair clips" way.

What this meant was that when she lost control of the firepoy and it bounced off her head was that, when her hair caught alight, she didn't notice, due to the think layer of hair between fire and skull.

Now the thing is there were probably 50 or 60 people stood about watching her, standing there sorting out the now tangled poy, doing a reasonably successful candle impression too.

I was one of them briefly, until I realised that she really hadn't noticed that her head was on fire, and that it was only going to get worse.

So what did I do. I calmly wandered over to her patted the fire out, asked if she was "alright" and wandered off.

So there is my good deed.

What I realised later is that she probably didn't know her head was ablaze so from her perspective

"I was doing poy at this party, right. I fucked it up and was untangling them when this random guy just wandered over, patted me on the head, looked me in the eye and said "Alright?" before just wanderin off. What a patronising cunt!"

I am assuming that either a) her friends pointed out my kindness b) she found a welded matt of burned hair in the morning c) she still remembers that night some patronising cunt patted her on the head like you would a slightly stupid puppy.

I think option C is the best.
(Tue 7th Oct 2008, 18:11, More)

» School Sports Day

Shit Put
When I was a youngster I, by dint of being the first group to do it and slightly taller than everyone else, was asked to represent my fine school in the shot put at the local posh schools inter school tourney thingy.

Said yes - I was rather chuffed that I apparently had the necessary beef to lob a lump of iron further than everyone else (important to a pubescent boy, believe me).

got there and went and found the shot put bit at the relevant time and then it struck me. Thats it : My school is fucking tight, and subsequently had decided that to save money they'd only get one weight of Put. Thats right - the GIRLS weight.

So I'm stood next to these cannon balls - they were HUGE - like the testes from a long extinct prehistoric dino-monster. I was bricking it.

Then I noticed my competition - turns out that the reason that these prehistoric dino-monsters were dead was probably becuase these guys ancestors had MURDERED them, cos they were bored on a sunday afternoon. they were fucking HUGE too (And I was a 6' tall 13 year old so fuck only knows what their folks had fed them).

Anyway - I'm thinkg I can still at least save face, my best being a hard-to-the-core 6.5 meters (girly weights remember). But oh no - first guy steps up - lobs this cannon ball about 9 metes, next guy 10 meters,8 meters, 12 FUCKING METES, etc etc

Yeah - 5.8meters was my best on the day.


Plus point later though - I did get to see a young lass get knocked-the-fuck-out buy an imaginatively thrown discuss that appeared to defy physics.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 17:48, More)

» Heckles

Before some film
Trailer for the rubbish looking-spinal tap-esq Metallica film.

At the end of the trailor the voice over says 'catch it at cinema's near you soon'.

Suitably unimpressed by the thought of this some cheeky wag shouts 'Nah thanks! I'll download it'

Suspect you had to be there.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 13:59, More)
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