b3ta.com user tim1701
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Hey Tim in Warrington UK!

Kinda new here although have been reading the board for years....

I admit I was a ham toucher in the beginning BUT no fecker told me what a ham toucher was! so if your a newbie and someone says "needs mustard" your a ham toucher! figure it out! i had to!

"Live with me if you want to come"

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Stuffz i av dun

Wheeeennnn the....

More shite to follow!

Recent front page messages:

There we go...

WOO! thanks for the FP! first one for me!

(Sun 12th Feb 2012, 14:59, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Meeting people from the internet

I've met 3 women from the interwebs... that fell in love with me.
Now I must say, It's been years since I met someone from the internets, But about 10/15 years ago just on the cusp of broadband I used to spend a lot of time on a website that has now gone called "the great British quiz" the site was basically a rolling chat room that started on irc (the good old days) that a bot asked questions and it was really only a feat of memory rather than knowledge as there was only about 200 questions on the thing.

It seem to be very well populated by bored middle aged house wives, In between rounds there would be general chatting and I seemed to get singled out by the girls there as being "a nice guy" mainly because 2 lines into a private chat most of the blokes would come out with "what are you wearing" and be furiously masturbating whilst informing said women about it.

The first Woman was 32 (I was about 19) who didn't live too far from me and was married, we arranged to meet for a coffee just to put a face to the name. After about 4 pints (as the coffee was in a pub) she turned and told me that I was one of the nicest people she has talked to on the internet and she had fallen in love with me! Panic ensued as back then I had morals and thought I could never break up a "happy" marriage I made my excuses and left as soon as possible.

Then a few months later I was chatting to another woman, this one lived dahn sarff in Woking (about 200 miles from me) we exchanged phone numbers and used to chat of an evening whilst on the quiz. Three weeks into these phone calls she decided she was going to come up to Warrington to stay for a weekend to meet me. she said on her last day here "I've been to the park thinking.... I think I have fallen in love with you" Again panic, this time including sheer terror as she informed me that people might not approve as of the age difference as she was 48!!! And strangely enough (and if not to prove how old she is) she worked on the launch of the first ATM in the UK and those shots of Reg Varney using the machine, she can be seen stood next to the manager. Again I made my excuses and she was another one added to my block list.

About 8 months later I started chatting to a woman in Manchester who was confiding in me about her deeply unhappy marriage and home life. We arranged to meet in Manchester. Upon arriving she told me that she had fallen for me and wanted me to whisk her away from her dull life and that she had booked a hotel for us for the weekend. my strong moral streak went out of the window as she was stunning and I wanted to get my nuts. After we went our separate ways she would phone me every day (2 or 3 times a day) Telling me how she was unhappy and was leaving her husband. I ended up talking to her for years (and still do now). She ended up leaving him about 2 years later and I had a bit of a relationship with her. Bit awkward as her eldest daughter was only 2 years younger than me. One drunken night she took the knock and went to bed leaving me chatting with her eldest who then made a pass at me. ABSOLUTE PANIC SET IN! so I scuttled off to bed. I confessed all in the morning and she was ok with it (little dance in my head as I thought "YES! I get the mother/daughter thing here") A blazing row ensued between them. The next day it continued which ended up with her daughter storming out and moving into her dads. Then two weeks later her 17 year old daughter pulled the same move. It was at this point I called it a day deciding that there was some kind of strange emotional damage running through the entire family.

Since then I have sworn 2 things.

1: Don't be too nice and listen to peoples problems on the interweb as they take general politeness as a deep connection and are generally starved of affection to be telling a complete stranger about their issues.

2: When chatting to a woman for the first time in a private chat, To get my cock out and ask them what they're wearing!
(Tue 25th Oct 2011, 2:39, More)

» Lead Balloon

Last year my mother had a couple of strokes (umph pardon)
(That's not the lead balloon)

I was sitting with her a few days after she got out of hospital when 2 stroke nurses came out to check on her progress.

Nurse 1 : (to my mother) "Well here we have your care pack" points to a load of bumff and booklets from the NHS.

Nurse 2 : (to me) "And have you taken the time to read the care for someone with a stroke booklet?"

Me : "Yeah, it's an interesting read.... But all the text slopes off on the right hand side"

SILENCE (Apart from my mother who was uncontrollably laughing.) I've seen them twice since and still get evil stares.
(Fri 23rd Aug 2013, 7:45, More)

» Job Interview Disasters

Sense of humour failure...
A few years (fuck me almost 10 now) back... I had an interview doing tech support for a broadband company.

The interview went well and I was told I was "making all the right noises". the final part of the interview was a mock interview where I had to interview my possible employer for some strange reason.

The Guy walked out leaving Kate behind who was taking notes, I was told to relax and await the knock on the door.

I sat wondering what to say, how to handle this, I had never interviewed anybody for a job and halfway through any job interview my brain goes for a walk and I'm on autopilot.

"Knock knock knock" Came from the door....

I turned to face Kate and said "Kate, I'm very busy today could you take a message for me?" Kate fell about laughing then the guy wandered in, I conducted the interview completely poker faced and as serious as I could manage with Kate still letting out little stifled laughs from time to time.

A week later I recieved a letter telling me I hadn't been chosen to be employed and maybe I should "Take interviews more seriously".
(Sat 23rd Nov 2013, 12:45, More)

» PE Lessons

I smacked my PE teacher with a rake!
I was a "tubby" child (and tubby adult too) so a lot of the times i had a note to get out of PE, as i couldnt even run round ONE football field without being humilliated so the thoughts of being forced round 5 filled me with dread (as that was the WARM UP), So one week when it was an olympics time they where doing long jumps and i got roped in to rake the sand over, after about 7/8 jumpers i got told my raking was not up to parr so the PE teacher took the rake from me and enthusiasticly showed me how to do it, after 3/4 rakes he handed me back the rake saying "thats how you do it you big tub of lard" now im not a violent person, infact i took more beatings than i should have being my hight and build at school, but i would back out of confrontation, today however the sound of everyone laughing at me sent my blood boiling, so after the next jumper he looked at me told me to use the rake.... i swung back as hard as i could and swung with all my might clean across his face, untill that moment i never knew you could literally knock someone out cold... but when he hit the floor in a heap he was snoaring and rolling his eyes, pandemonium then let loose as i just sat down and laughed, next thing i know im in the headmasters office.... with a rather brused P.E. teacher stood behind me, I explained the situation and how he had publicly humiliated me, then pointed out that it was bullying from the staff (i was way too savy for my age) I got told to go away and come back in the next day, so i appeared, halfway through my second lesson i got pulled out and took to the headmasters office, There i was given a rather poulty and begrudged appology from my P.E. teacher... my headmaster said "I think we can call an end to this" to which i replied "no, I don't think so... you see, he publicly humiliated me, and i have now been took away to a quiet corner whilst he admits fault, i want a public apology, say in assembely..." there was a silence, then a comment from my headmaster "i think your asking too much, after all you attacked one of my staff"
so i said "yes, only after severe provocation, should we see what the education authority has to say about that?"
More silence continued,

anyway, 3 days went by and on the thursday i was PUBLICLY appologised to by my PE teacher in assembely... for some funny reason, he left that year! no idea why as he was bragging that he would be head of PE the next year!
(Wed 25th Nov 2009, 0:36, More)

» Down on the Farm

When I was about 18/19
There was a group of us student types who where drinking on the edge of a field when a cow happened over.
Of course the idea of cow tipping came up but as the cow was awake most of us insisted that the cow would counter balance the shove and just give us a nasty bovine glare.
One of the lads who was known for bragging and doing retarded things (e.g. sitting in the canteen merrily smoking a candle) announced that he was going to "knock the cow out with one punch"
Long story short, he got licked in the face and broke his hand.... he was a cunt and everyone was happy about it. (The broken hand not the cow punching)
And that cow went on to play for Chelsea... happy endings all round.
(Tue 29th May 2012, 11:33, More)
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