» Schadenfreude

My sister, an axe and a visit to A&E
My sister is a little bit clueless when it comes to most things to be honest and personal preservation is not a strong suit.

I was home from university for Christmas and was at the top of my parents garden splitting logs for the fire with an axe that I'd just sharpened for that purpose. Nicola wandered up for a chat and to catch up as we hadn't seen each other for a few months but kept on looking longingly at the axe. I could see the question forming in her head and after five minutes or so she pipes up with "Can I have a go?"

Now I have to point out that although at the time of this story, my sister was 18 years old but still wasn't allowed near the axe normally for fear that she would hurt herself being the cliché blonde clutz that she was (and still is). "You have got to be joking" says I, "you'll end up chopping off a toe or something equally painful and it will be my fault for giving you the axe."

Cue ten minutes of "Aww, please, I'll be really careful, honest!" So against my better judgement, I cave in and say that she can have ONE go and no more as long as she does it exactly as I have shown her .

Bugger me if she doesn't do it perfectly in the first swing; an nice clean even split. But before I have even had time to draw breath she starts asking for another go. Impressed with her first attempt but more relieved that we were both intact I let her have a second go. Which was a mistake.

For those of you who haven't split logs with an axe, if you don't hit the log square on and the axe head is at an angle it often doesn't bite into the wood and will bounce back. If at the same time you aren't gripping the handle firmly, the axe will swivel in your hands.

Funnily enough this is what happened to my sister on her second swing after completely ignoring everything I had just taught her not two minutes before.

The result? The sharp side of the axe in her forehead. Her first words after putting the axe into her forehead? "Are my sunglasses alright?" referring to the sunglasses she had pushed up on top of her head out of the way so she could see the log better.

What did I do? Nearly wet myself laughing at her as the blood gushed out.

Luckily it was only a glancing blow but still needed stitches and we definitely don't let her near the axe any more.
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 12:04, More)

» Presents

I've made some presents this year
And I'm not talking about some shite hand-carved statutes or collages made from dead ladybirds. Nope, I've made around sixty bottles of wine from grapes, elderberries and plums which are maturing nicely and will be rather tasty by the time Christmas comes around (judging from the *ahem* quality control samples *ahem*).

I cheated with the proper (i.e. grape) wine and bought a kit with which to make it and this works out at about £1.20 per bottle. The plum wine and the eldeberry wine was even cheaper as all I had to buy was 5 kilograms of sugar because I picked the fruit myself.

The best part is that whilst it is a little labour intensive, it certainly isn't difficult to create some really nice tasting, present-grade wine. There are plenty recipes on the internet and kits available that talk you through every step for the less confident

I'm going to have some serious difficulty giving up the elderberry and the plum wine is bordering on rocket fuel....

All I can say is thank god every member my family drinks like a fish.
(Fri 27th Nov 2009, 15:36, More)

» The Dark

The wolf! I was protecting you from the WOLF.
I have always been very active whilst asleep, never quite true somnambulation (sleepwalking) but mostly mumbling, often holding conversations with Mrs Angio and occasionally sitting bolt upright.

Every now and then I end up jumping out of bed still asleep but in a panic then waking up when upright. Usually this results in me standing there, awake in the pitch black, completely confused and totally disorientated.

That's the background out of the way, now we jump back a few years - wavy lines, ahoy!

Its the middle of the night and I'm dreaming. It's a nice dream: It's a sunny day and I'm walking along the river bank by the King's Head pub in Bawburgh (a small village just outside of Norwich for all of you who haven't managed to get past the burning-torch-and-pitchfork-wielding farmers on the county boundary. We do have to keep all of the foreigners out, especially those strange Suffolk folks....)

Like I said, it's a warm sunny day walking upstream along the river bank and Mrs Angio is walking a few paces ahead of me wearing one of her summer dresses that leave little to the imagination (yes, I even ogle my wife in my dreams).

The river in Bawburgh flows from a mill pool and just before you reach this pool there is a large horse chestnut tree with low hanging branches. As Mrs Angio nears this tree, I notice a pair of red eyes in amongst the leaves of those low hanging branches.

Next thing I know, a massive wolf bursts out of the undergrowth and runs straight at Mrs Angio. I run at the wolf and manage to rugby tackle the salivating beast.

"What the hell are you doing?" shouts my VERY angry and choking wife as she punches me awake and tries to prise my arm from around her neck, "get off of me." I'm sure there were a few more choice words involved but I think you get the idea.

Once again I have awoken completely confused in the pitch black, only this time I appear to have my wife pinned to the bed in a head-lock and not in the good way.

Funnily enough, my mostly incoherent mumblings of "trying to protect her" and "the wolf" seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Personally, I think I deserved a bit more gratitude for throwing myself into harms way for her but for some reason she didn't see it that way. Probably had something to do with the lack of oxygen.
(Mon 27th Jul 2009, 15:52, More)

» PE Lessons

The day I almost got half the PE class in detention
I appear to be one of the oddities on this site (why change a habit of a life time...?) and I actually enjoyed PE, probably due to the fact that I played tennis and rugby outside of school and therefore possessed a level of fitness and hand-eye coordination that many of the other kids did not.

So picture the scene, 30 or so boys freezing their 'nads off, more interested in staying warm than listening to their teacher trying to explain the rules and intricacies of rugby union. The only kid who understood (or cared) what Mr Utku was saying was me.

After a brief practice in tackling technique in which more than a few accusations of homosexuality were liberally traded and a bit of kicking practice, we were split into two teams and the game began. Very quickly, my team realised that the quickest and easiest way to victory was just to hand me the ball and keep out of my way. The other team were rather lacklustre mostly because it was very cold and only made half-hearted attempts to stop me.

After half a dozen or so trys in as many minutes, Mr Utku offered some "encouragement" to the other team in the form of "If Angio scores the next try, you are all in detention". It still took them half the pitch and three guys to bring me down, but thank god they did.

You see my problem is that I am insanely competitive, definitely not a gracious winner and I will rub your face in your defeat so much so that I did try to score (this wasn't helped by the fact that my team was immune from the detention threat and was baying for the other team's blood). Had I scored, I might have become a little bit of a social leper (amongst other things) if the decidedly unfriendly comments of the opposition team members were to be believed.
(Wed 25th Nov 2009, 11:37, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Carrie Fisher/Princess Leia
Is this just that little bit too cliché?

Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini, chained up? Absolute 100% winner in my 14 year-old opinion and still so in my 27 year-old opinion.
(Thu 5th Nov 2009, 15:06, More)