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» Bullshit and Bullshitters

My friend Billy
claims to have a very large penis. Or, more correctly, he had a very large penis. Inexplicably, he showed it to his next door neighbour and now it's considerably shorter than it used to be, as she attacked him with a gardening tool.
(Thu 13th Jan 2011, 20:25, More)

» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

How DARE she, the cow
On designated driver duty one weekend in the city centre some years back, I spotted a sweet parking space after driving about one way streets for ages. Awesome, I'm having that, I think. I stop beyond the space and chuck my indicator on with the intention of parallel parking. Literally as I'm starting to reverse, a peroxide blonde cow in a fucking poncey convertible rollerskate pulls straight into the space. MY fucking space; I'd staked my claim by indicating. That's the rule, isn't it?

The titted idiot mumbled some pish excuse and hurried off as I leapt out of my car screaming sweary words.

So, I snuck out of the pub later in the evening and let all four of her tyres down.
(Thu 3rd Feb 2011, 18:46, More)

» Sex Toys

SF dildo kicker
A mate of mine lived and worked in San Francisco for a while a few years ago and I went over there to visit him.

One night, returning from an evening on the piss in a state of advanced refreshment, we spotted a strange object in the centre of the street near his apartment. Closer inspection revealed this to be a large purple dildo, which was pointing skywards.

Childishly, I pointed and laughed at it, having never seen a large purple dildo pointing skywards in the middle of the street before. My mate, however, retreated up the street, took a run up and booted the dildo like he was trying to convert a try in an important Six Nations game.

I recall watching in amazement as the dildo sailed through the air and down the hill for what seemed like miles. Unfortunately, I didn't see where it landed, because I fell over laughing.
(Mon 21st May 2012, 20:09, More)

» Irrational Hatred

Swans
What is the point of those necks? Ducks make do with short necks while doing, as far as I can tell, exactly the same thing as swans.

I think that swans may be the upper class twits of the bird world; cutting about on parts of the Thames with their royal protection, bullying other birds and generally being feathered cunts. They're worse than the Bullingdon Club. Ducks seem much more down to earth, a bit like those women who work in Greggs (except in the London branches, where they're uniformly grumpy fuckers).
(Sun 3rd Apr 2011, 10:26, More)

» Worst Band Ever

Nickelback
Stop it. Just stop. The lead singer has a face like a melted welly boot and he righteously deserves an ice axe in the fucking eye. I hate them with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
(Thu 30th Dec 2010, 20:39, More)
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