b3ta.com user Flap Burger
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» Winning

I may have posted this before.
I was about 6, at the school sports day. I decided to enter the egg and spoon race. I can't tell this one that well, so you'll have to imagine Murray Walker doing it instead:

"And it's go, go, go! They're barreling down towards the first corner... And Flap Burger takes the lead! Pedal to the metal, flat out! Nearly at the finish line now... And... WHAT IS HE DOING?"

That's right, ladies and gents. I assumed the tape crossing the finish line was intended to mark out some kind of construction site, and ran right around it.

What a fucking mong.
(Thu 28th Apr 2011, 23:50, More)

» IT Support

One thing that regularly fucks me off
being a computery type person who is sometimes entasked with managing networks, is the following error message:

"Please contact your system administrator."

Erm. Yeah. I am the system administrator. Now what the fuck do I do?
(Wed 30th Sep 2009, 12:31, More)

» Cars

I have a few of these
But for now I will tell the tale of one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

New year's eve 1999. The eve of the millenium. I was about 12 at the time and was living with my parents at their flat in Forest Hill in London.

It happened about a minute after midnight, in a weird twist of fate. All we could hear was fireworks outside, people having a good time, and then suddenly...

"Bang! Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech! Vroooom!"

The screech was not the screech of tires, but that of metal on metal.

Outside our flat was a lamppost. It was slightly less than 6ft away from the pavement, which oddly happens to be exactly the same width as the front of a mini.

Indeed, this happened to be what had just become wedged in between the lamp post and our wall. Unfortunately the gap wasn't quite wide enough to get the other end of the mini through, and somehow the rear of the car had also become wedged against the brick wall.

Inside was this jamacian fellow who was frantically spinning his wheels trying to get the car free, and his irate girlfriend who was shouting at him in the way that only pissed off west indian women know how.

Having failed at that, he tried his door. His girlfriend tried her door. Nope - wedged.

They finally managed to climb out by the boot, just as the police pulled up to ask the bloke exactly what he thought he was doing trying to drive his car up the pavement.

Laugh? We nearly shat.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2010, 13:27, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Ok, seeing as everyone else is at it...
Guitar Fucking Hero.

What. Is. The. Point?

As far as I can tell, this 'game' involves pressing buttons on a big plastic guitar in time to some arrows appearing on the screen.

Fucking why? What do they see in it? For the price of an XBOX 360 and a copy of Guitar Hero, you could actually buy a real guitar. And an amp. And you wouldn't look like a cunt.
(Tue 20th Oct 2009, 10:16, More)

» DIY Techno-hacks

When I was 7
I had a Commodore VIC-20. It was a fantastic thing, and I spent many happy hours programming it in BASIC and playing Duck Shoot.

Unfortunately, the power supply died. It used an odd proprietary PSU, with a 4-pin DIN plug supplying 9 volts and 5 volts.

A good family friend drew me a circuit diagram using two regulators, some diodes and capacitors, and a mains transformer.

I built it inside an old lunchbox, taping the components together with electrical tape (Yep, no soldering, no circuit board, just electrical tape and hookup wire). For some reason my parents were happy with this.

Thing is, it actually worked. I held on to that computer for 7 years and the DIY power supply never failed, though once I nearly electrocuted the cat with it.

I also repaired the floppy drive in my Amstrad PCW 256 using an elastic band.

I also remember when I was around 13 there was a craze for computer modding. I saw LED fans but couldn't afford them (then £15 - that was 3 week's pocket money!). My answer? I superglued strips of tin foil to an ordinary case fan and then jury-rigged an LED to reflect off the foil.

I've always been a bit of a bodger. I started with computers, and then turned my attention to cars. I am currently trying to build a working steam engine out of tin cans.
(Mon 24th Aug 2009, 12:33, More)
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