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Profile for schrodingers cat:
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I live in a house. It is modestly sized.
I have two dogs. One is big, the other is not so big.
I'd never wanted a big car because
size isn't everything

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Best answers to questions:

» Real-life slapstick

AWESOME Arse
T'was popping down to the nearby greasy fry with young work collegue in the passengers seat. Lovely day it was all warm and excellent short skirt weather for the young lassies.

Anywho young cheeky chappy spots a vision devine in the distance and leeringly leans from the cab for a better look. "Ewww Errrr, look at the arse on that!" exclaims workmatey with full on rapist facial expressions, "I'd give that one" et al

The young lady chooses said time to turn around and spots mately in full flow. She smiles widely

Apprentice blokey suddenly stops and goes bright red. He lurches back in to his seat and sits up straight, going VERY QUIET.

'What is the matter," I ask "Are you a tad embarrased for getting caught out?"

"No" says he "That was my sister..."
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 7:02, More)

» Schadenfreude

Better than Television
Ah School Days!

When I was a young fellow another school visited for sports type activities. One of the visitors was a rather weedy, unfortunate looking chap and when one of the skotey 'bad' kids from our school called him 4 eyes, Speccie told him to fuck off. Threats followed etc.

((((((((((
))))))))) Wavey fast forward lines
((((((((((

A crowd gathers round to watch the tough boy pound the geeky kid. Tough boy talks smack. Skinny bloke waits. Tough boy rushes in and we watch in awe as the skinny kid steps forward and uncurls a brilliant uppercut. I swear the toughies feet left the ground and he soared in a graceful parabola to crash upon the ground.
He gets up
Repeat.

At this moment a kid from our school who used to get duffed up all the time slips through the crowd and serves up a wonderful kicking.

Revenge is a dish served cold. Rejoice little people
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 4:35, More)

» Failed Projects

The Garden
Growing up in a rural community a VEGE GARDEN was what proper people have.

In various flats over the years I have dug the turf and disturbed the worms before being distracted by VERY IMPORTANT PROJECTS.

I'm all grown up now and have my own house. Over the last 6 years I periodically disturb the weeds in a frenzy of PREPARING THE SOIL. Alas the weeds are more tenacious than I...

Having recently been made redundant (not a failure, more a relief) I have decided that as a house owning, 40 something I should whip this garden into place.

Things I have learnt
* Digging in hign summer is Hot Thirsty Work
* Beer is quenching during Hot Thirsty Work
* Beer consumption and output of Hot Thirsty Work are inversely proportionate.
* I like beer better than Hot Thirsty Work
* There is always tomorrow

Because the garden is riddled with a pervasive creeping weed, in my (pre beer) wisdom I decided to dig and sieve to get rid of the roots of said pervasive creeping weed. Sieving is Hot Thirsty Work. See above work plan.

I have thus far dug a fucking massive hole. If oil starts to bubble from the ground I shall not be surprised. Post beer I comtemplate loading the old truck and Allie May and moving to Beverly Hills. Alas thus far I have only struck old chicken bones.

If it were the height of the cold war I could tell the meighbours that this is the start of my fall out shelter. Obviously I am a man after my time...

Therefore the failure is not mine but my parents for having me too late.

Also I blame creation. Why do weeds grow so well but potatoes and carrots require planting and nuturing?
Furtermore why do Breweries produce cheap, quenching, tasty beverages which are easily availible at my supermarket?

Damn you garden for taunting me and sprouting fresh (non edible) growth after a couple of days of rain.

Maybe next year
(Fri 4th Dec 2009, 22:40, More)

» Cars

Top tip
As a young lad I made a habit of driving rather too fast on shingle roads. As a result, one afternoon my old Fiat got the wobbles on and hampered by a bandaged hand, I tipped it over.

'Here's a novelty' thinks I and sits up straight to pay attention.

Things I learned
1. Close your eyes. The dirt and dust on the floor gets in your eyes
2. It hurts when the roof comes down and hits your head
3. It is VERY noisey
4. It doesn't just stop when you've had enough

Recently I had the misfortune to roll another car. I applied all my hard won knowledge and was very pleased with the outcome i.e. Me OK

Got very dizzy tho and had to sit down
(Fri 23rd Apr 2010, 6:01, More)

» Flirting

All social exchanges are transactional
Says rather cheap and tarty young thing "You should buy me a drink"
Says older cynical me " Why? Are you going to fuck me?"
Says she "You're disgusting!"
Says me " Yes, but at least I know it"

I learnt this from a mate who worked on the principle that if he wasn't going to have any joy with them, then don't waste any time
(Fri 19th Feb 2010, 21:14, More)
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